Was This a Personality Mismatch or Something Much Darker?

“Home is any four walls that enclose the right person.” — Helen Rowland

At The Beginning

I have a very close friend. Her name is Amy. She moved into a condo apartment in the fall of 2019. This condo is in the York region of Southern Ontario. She moved into an apartment already occupied by a lady. This lady was older than her, say by 10 years or more.

Amy was a student but also working part-time. Her flatmate had a 9 to 5. Beyond that, Amy had no more details. Now Amy has a sunny personality. When she moved into the apartment, she observed that her new flatmate was unlike her. Not unexpected! The lady was quiet, unsmiling, and kept to herself.

This was a huge challenge for Amy. She wasn’t used to people who were this unresponsive. This was the norm with her new flatmate. There were exceptions; weekends when her best friend came over. Then Amy would hear her laugh, talk excitedly, or rant.

I don’t Understand…

At first, Amy would help her do things like bring up her mail. The lady responded by saying she should not touch her mails. Another time, she helped the lady switch off the stove as her food was burning. The lady responded with no word of thanks and a look of disdain. Another time, her flatmate left her keys at the door. Amy realized she would be stuck when she returned. She then left her keys under the foot mat in front of the main door. She texted her to explain what transpired. Her flatmate responded saying: “thanks but you could have left it. No one will take it. The security cameras are in view.” Amy said to me she did not know if she preferred this poor style of communication or none at all.

Another thing Amy observed was that her new flatmate was a furious cleaner. She would deep clean on weekends. She would clean on weekdays. Amy had asked her if she needed help. Her flatmate would respond thus: “No, I like to clean.” “No. I am fine, don’t worry.” She would wash plates. As Amy listened from her room she wondered if her flatmate was angry with the kitchenware. There were bangs, clashes, and sometimes shatters.

Then The Rants Begin

One day, Amy was working on her laptop in the dining room. Her housemate and her friend were cooking in the kitchen. Amy went in to go wash the dishes she had left in the sink. Her housemate started to yell and rant. She expressed displeasure around Amy being in the kitchen. This expression of words went beyond that and progressed to more utterances. “You are a stupid girl” “You have no manners” And so on and so forth. Amy left. She noticed that doing this stopped the rant.

These outbursts did not stop. They were not everyday occurrences but happened at unpredictable intervals. One time, the lady went off because Amy had complained to the landlady about these outbursts. She mentioned they made her uncomfortable. Her housemate had responded by saying that the landlady should not interfere. Her rant extended to calling the landlady names. Her grouse was that the landlady was charging too much for the apartment. She kept at the rant for hours.

It wasn’t just the rants. Sometimes her music box would be at the loudest volume. Like she was oblivious of her surroundings. Sometimes when her friend visited, the conversations would be so loud. It was unbecoming.

Amy had started recording these rants. One day, as a rant was going on, she fell asleep. She woke up to find that her phone had recorded 2 hours of rant. At this point, she established that if these rants occurred, they had the potential to go on for hours. She started to think of what she could do. When she spoke to me about it, I told her we needed to find a new place for her.

There were a few challenges surrounding this, though surmountable. One was Amy had signed a year’s lease. So she needed to find someone to sublet her space till the lease expired. Another was moving to a new place entailed paying 2 months’ rent. This is what Ontarians call “first and last’. It is paying 2 months’ rent to a new landlord. It is security for the landlord but added expenditure for the tenant. We were trying to figure out a way around these hurdles. Then another rant occurred.

This time around, the issue was about a piece of toilet paper that was on the bathroom floor. I was visiting that day. Her housemate walked to the kitchen where Amy and I were chatting. She complained about the toilet paper on the bathroom floor. This evolved into a rant. So I signaled to Amy that it was time to leave. Amy followed my cue though with reservations. When we were in the elevator, Amy said: ‘why couldn’t she wait till you were gone? Why make my guest uncomfortable?”

As we got to the building entrance, Amy said she would hang out in the lobby. She said she needed to give the lady time to vent. She knew her absence would end the rants quicker. She returned to the apartment one hour later. Yes, the rant had ended.

Then there was another. Amy was on a zoom call in the dining on a Thursday morning. Her flatmate came and said that she needed to declutter the bathroom sink. Amy told her the zoom call would end in 10 minutes. Her flatmate insisted that the declutter had to happen immediately. Amy thought this unreasonable.

Breaking Point

At this point, her flatmate started yelling. It was thus impossible to continue with the call. Now Amy stepped away from her laptop and tried to engage her flatmate. Bad idea! The rant came out in full force. “ You are stupid” “You are nasty” “You are a b***h”.She became hysterical. So Amy left her recorder on and left the apartment. She kept away for an hour. Once again, she was in the lobby. This time around, she was a bit shaken. This episode was different; the hysteria! Amy said to me: ‘She was so vile. Imagine having to listen to this repeatedly. It’s like my efforts don’t count!”

This was the breaking point for Amy. She started to search for another place. After work, I went to see her. We met in the lobby. Amy said to me: ‘I need to get out of there. I have borne this long enough. It’s time to go!’ I asked: ‘Have you found a place?’ “I will find a place and I am not signing a one year lease. I will sign a one month lease if available. The idea is short leases tend to have fewer requirements. Besides if I encounter something like this, I can move out on short notice. The long-term goal is to get my own home.” “And do you know what?” I responded in a low tone: “What?” ‘My flatmate needs help but I am so scared for my safety and sanity, I don’t know where to start.”

Thanks Jason Edmunds.

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