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Was Jesus the World’s First Adman?

The great Kurt Vonnegut once wrote that the basis of every great advertisement is a Credible Promise.

He explained that Jesus was the world’s first adman as he promised better times in the afterlife.

So how about modern admen and women. How do they stack up to Vonnegut’s test?

Stuck with nothing to write about today, I delved into the ads of my childhood to find out.

(in order of no particular greatness)

Disneyland: The Happiest Place on Earth

With Jesus having already claimed Heaven as the happiest place in the sky, Disney was left with Earth on which to create their Nirvana. So is it true?

I’ve never actually been.

But my wife has. She went with her family in 1989 and their newly acquired Mastercard. They had such a good time that when they got back home, they found they’d spent so much that they couldn’t pay their mortgage.

So much for The Happiest Place on Earth.

Master Card — There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s MasterCard.

Catchy slogan. But as my wife’s family found out, not that comforting when a meathead goon is knocking on your door with a repossession order. Saying that, it does want you to forget life, take your family to Disneyland, and worry about your home and possessions later.

Wheaties: The Breakfast of Champions

The title of another Vonnegut book, Breakfast of Champions, was taken from the slogan of the breakfast cereal ‘Wheaties’.

I’ve only visited America once, and I have to say, I don’t remember coming across this fine product in that huge box. But from the product information, it’s a cross between Corn Flakes and Bran Flakes. I wouldn’t want to go jogging after a bowl of it.

Nike: Just do it.

I remember when this ad came out, and everyone started wearing Nike Air trainers down the school disco to pretend they could breakdance like MC Hammer.

No one ever went running in them. They just bought them to go down the supermarket. Or the disco. I always preferred Adidas as it had a better slogan: Nothing is Impossible. You went down to the nightclub in your swanky new Adidas shoes, and believed — for a minute — that you might, finally, get laid. Nothing is Impossible…right?

Budweiser: The King of Beers

Great line. Shit beer. What else am I meant to say? I’m an Englishman. I was brought up on beer. And Bud isn’t beer. It’s too sweet, plus it tastes of glue. True, a lot of beers don’t taste of much. Heineken, tastes like soggy bread, but Heineken doesn’t claim to be the King Of Beers.

Carlsberg: Probably the best lager in the world.

Another beer ad. And the best by far. When I saw that ad on telly growing up, I wanted to drink the best lager in the world. I wanted to drink pint after pint of that cold fizzy brew and head down to the local club to try and get laid (again). And did I, tanked on cheap lager while vomiting into the bowl? Probably, not.

British Airways — The World’s Favourite Airline

I once flew British Airways as a kid, and remembered the stewards complaining that I was going to the toilet too many times. My dad told them I was ill — I had the shits — but they still looked at me disapprovingly each time I rushed to the lav clutching my bowels. Talk about The World’s Most Pompous Airline.

Maybelline — Maybe She’s Born With It. Maybe It’s Maybelline.

Ah sorry, wrong image. Let’s leave it up. This slogan made no sense to me when I was growing up. Maybe She’s Born With It? Born with what? Syphilis? But as all the women were beautiful — it’s a makeup advert! — I remember it well. Especially that annoying jingle at the end that went round my head for years: Maybe it’s Maybelline. No it isn’t, fuck off!

Red Bull: Red Bull Gives You Wings

Pretty straight forward this one. It does what it says on the tin. Drink it, and you’ve got loads of energy, and there’s no chance of ever sleeping again. I don’t know about you, but I can drink loads of coffee, and sleep like a baby. I drink one of these, and I’m flying with the birds at two in the morning. Wiiings, or not.

John Deere -Nothing runs like a Deere

My undisputed favourite. I loved tractors growing up and this hits the mark. It’s just so simple, and works on so many levels. Their tractors are so reliable, it means that after you’ve finished your hard day’s work, you’ve got plenty of time to go out hunting to shoot Deere.

Brilliant!

So that’s it. I can’t include Jesus’ ad that better times will come in the afterlife, because I don’t have copyright clearance. True, he’s been dead for more than 2000 years, but I’d hate it if he suddenly showed up:

‘Hey! I never said that. Someone made it up!’

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