War of the Words
How to Deal with Toxic Criticism
As a young boy, I came across one of Aesop’s fables titled “The Man, the Boy, and the Donkey.” If you’ve never read or heard it before, it ends dark. The moral of the fable was if you tried to please everyone, you would end up pleasing no one. It had such a serious tone to it that I never thought much about it after reading it.
Growing up when and where I did, you had to be tough and quick-witted. Another kid criticizing you — that was just normal. All you had to do to survive was be observant and reply with a good comeback. For me, criticism wasn’t as serious as it was in that fable. It was just another thing you dealt with every now and then.
Many years later, I was a young adult in a training session for a sales job when I heard this fable once more. But this time the trainer put his own spin on it. After he was done, many of us were laughing, and I have since repeated that story many times to those challenged by criticism. I include it here.
An old man and a young boy walked side by side, leading their donkey through a village market.
A villager looked at them and said to his friend, “Look at those two! They have a donkey and neither of them rides it. Can you believe it? What a waste!”
The old man quickly nodded to the boy, and the boy climbed up on top of the donkey. They had not traveled far when they heard another villager.
“Look at that young boy! Forcing the old man to walk while he rides comfortably on the donkey. Can you believe it? What a shame!”
The old man nodded once again to the young boy, and the two swapped places. But a short distance later, they heard more villagers criticizing.
“Look how that old man rides comfortably on the donkey! Forcing the little boy to walk beside him. Can you believe it? What a disgrace!”
The old man nodded, and the boy quickly climbed on top of the donkey, seating himself in front of the old man. A few more steps and they encountered another group of villagers.
“Look at those two! Forcing that donkey to carry all their weight. Can you believe it? That poor animal!”
The old man and the young boy quickly dismounted. And by the time they reached the next group of villagers, the two were doing their best, trying so hard to carry that donkey up in the air.
I still laugh at this. The story encapsulated the utter ridiculousness and absurdity of criticizing communication without any effort towards collaboration.
I know that’s a mouthful, but collaboration is a key component to making a successful endeavor. And communication is only a portion of that component. Seeking change through criticism is a wasted approach. Especially if that critic refuses to seek first to understand, refuses to work with those they criticize, and falls victim to their own impatience.
An endeavor is nothing more than a cycle of change. It is a cycle that goes through ideas, processes, collaboration and actions. Each of us is in the midst of our own cycle of change for many separate endeavors. The chances of our cycles syncing up on their own is practically impossible, and this is why collaboration becomes necessary. It is only through collaboration that we can align our cycles of change to produce the most effective outcomes.
Our endeavors will inevitably fall out of sync with the endeavors of others, leading to the criticism of our results. But criticism is a bare-minimum effort on the long road to collaboration. Invite the critics to work with you, and if they refuse, then their criticism is not even worth your bare-minimum attention.
It isn’t always easy to ignore our critics, specifically the ones gifted in their way with words. They structure sentences to form the knife that stabs you in the back. They harness words based loosely on reality, to provide the twist of the knife. They share their toxicity with close friends and would-be allies, sowing fear and doubt that spreads through your veins and seeps into your soul. And they continue with a constant barrage of vitriol, splintering your friendships and shattering your dreams. They use their power with words, not for good, but to satisfy whimsical indulgences of evil. Can you believe it? What a waste!
Haha! Did you see what I did there?
No one is impervious to toxic criticism. It is a winnerless war, but it is still possible to survive the individual battles. Here are four ways to do that.
- Remember that differences in opinion are caused when our individual endeavors and cycles of change are no longer in sync. It happens. There is no need for hard feelings, just let the person go their separate way. Let them start a new job, start their own company, or start their own publication. The lessons they learn will be valuable, perhaps even to you.
- Remember there is no actual physical pain happening to you. There is no knife. There is no twist. There is no poison slowly spreading through you. The true harm to your endeavor comes when you lash out against this imagined pain, and you wind up hurting those closest to you, your friends and supporters. Don’t make this mistake.
- Remember to mind your own business. Do not spend time worrying about what your critics are saying, or who they are saying it to. Do not worry about their schemes and plots. If you do, you will come back to find that everything you built has burned down to the ground. Not from the outside threat, but from simple neglect from within. When you and your organization are facing challenges, it is time for leadership and guidance. Do not let your team down.
- Remember that criticism by itself, with no effort towards collaboration, is ridiculous and absurd. Just picture that old man and that boy attempting to carry that donkey through the village. And for what? Have yourself a laugh, and then move on, and keep working to make your dreams come true.
Thank you for reading. You can subscribe to my future content here. I share my articles on Leadership and Management and their application to your world on my publication, The Endeavor Perspective. You can also check out my fantasy and fiction publication, A Bit of Madness, as well as its non-fiction counterpart, A Bit of Genius.