HIGH CRIME AND UNPOPULAR MAYORS

Wanted — Private Security for City of Chicago

Chicago Mayor hires private security firm to serve and protect Pottery Barn

Once popular, now sitting alone at the lunch table, Chicago Mayor, Lori Lightfoot, hired a controversial private security firm to help manage looting in Chicago’s affluent shopping areas.

Neighborhood residents are concerned about the safety of hiring private security firms who are less accountable than the police. Below is an interview I recorded between neighborhood residents and Chicago Mayor, Lori Lightfoot.

Neighborhood resident — I’m rich. I bought a house in this area because it was supposed to be safe. I support a private security firm for Pottery Barn but what about me? Will the firm protect me and my mini Australian Labradoodle on our midnight walks?

Lightfoot — No. Maybe get a puppy pad or hold it over the toilet. Those dogs are what? 12 pounds?

Neighborhood resident— Are these security officers just going to be another beefed up unregulated neighborhood watch vigilante group?

Lightfoot — Who knows? The security firm I hired does not operate in the parameters, regulations, or rules of ordinary policemen. I’m not sure what they’re allowed to do yet. I guess it depends on how scared they feel.

Neighborhood resident— Who are these security people allowed to apprehend or protect? Can they stop drunk drivers? Rapists? Shoplifters? Or, are they only being hired to protect Restoration Hardware and Neiman Marcus?

Lightfoot — Our priority is to keep businesses in our city. I’m assuming all you Richy Riches bought homes here so you could easily get to Land of Nod and West Elm without calling an Uber? So yes, by protecting these treasured businesses, we are protecting the American Dream and in turn, you.

Neighborhood resident— I read the Current Head of the hired security firm was fired from the Chicago Police Department for misconduct. As a Lincoln Park resident, should I be worried you hired a crazy person?

Lightfoot — Security firms heads are not generally people who left the Peace Corps because it didn’t save enough of the world. People who run Security Firms are trigger-happy schmucks who realized they could make bank protecting the American dollar. So, to answer your question, if I hire a security firm, I’m hiring a crazy person.

Neighborhood resident — I see the security firms you hired have hired workers who have a history of crime. Are you hiring criminals to protect our city?

Lightfoot — Think of them the way you think of that tv show Dexter. You know how Dexter is a serial killer who doesn’t kill, but he has insight into serial killers’ minds? Hiring criminals is the same thing. Criminals understand criminals. Who do you think I should hire to protect our fair city? Kindergarten teachers? Therapists? Bouncy house operators?

Neighborhood resident— What are the private security firms allowed to do? Since they are hired by you, the mayor, are they allowed to act like the police?

Lightfoot — Security firms cannot carry guns but they can carry batons and other not-gun weapons. They can wear brass knuckles. They can yell, “Stop! Not police!” The best weapon they have is an unflinching sense of wanting to get paid.

Best New Job in Chicago said Chicago Magazine — Looter.

2nd Best New Job in Chicago said Chicago Reader — Private Security Firm officer.

Worst job in Chicago said Windy City Times — Chicago Mayor

Wanted

— Person who isn’t concerned about crossing the line, isn’t afraid to racially profile, and most of all, doesn’t mind being videotaped attacking innocent citizens.

— Person who indiscriminately charges a large crowd of looters even if it turns out it’s a bunch of girls shopping for prom dresses, who happen to be excited because “Well, duh. It’s prom!”

— James Bond type without a license to kill, but doesn’t shy away from it.

Disclaimer — I did not talk to Mayor Lightfoot, however, most of this is true. Except what Lori said, because as I said, “I put words in her mouth.”