Want to Quit Complaining? Try This
A simple guide to ridding yourself of the habit of complaint.
No matter what steps we take to avoid or prevent problems, setbacks and disappointments from occurring, they are unavoidable parts of life’s tapestry. What matters most is how we deal with them.
When things go wrong, our reflex action can often be to complain. Not necessarily to someone who can make a difference, of course; just to anybody who happens to be in earshot. The problem with this is that complaining doesn’t change anything; it just makes us focus on the negative aspects of a given situation.
That is not a recipe for happiness. And we can all agree that nobody likes a complainer.
Imagine if, instead of getting stressed out when things don’t go your way, you could learn to sit with them, shrug, and say, “Good”?
Be Cool, Honey Bunny
You can’t control everything that happens in life, but you can control how you react to the things that don’t go your way. And how you respond to bumps in the road can make a big difference to your sense of wellbeing.
Here’s a principle worth remembering:
How we react to a problem can potentially have a bigger impact than the problem itself.
Often, when we react badly to unfavourable circumstances, we make things worse rather than better. We let our bruised ego dictate our response, and we act emotionally rather than rationally.
When we do this, we tend to think problems are bigger than they really are. We transfer power from ourselves to the external trigger that is beyond our control.
If you can coolly distance yourself from a problem and acknowledge it for what it is, you will often realise that it is less of a big deal than you initially thought. This realisation can help you avoid getting upset and will allow you to figure out a more productive way forward than getting annoyed and complaining.
Why We Complain
There are two main reasons why we complain about things:
- To vent our frustration
- To seek validation of our feelings
While these might make us feel better in the short-term, they do nothing to address problems in the long-term. In fact, another reason people complain is to deny personal responsibility and thus avoid having to act.
Now, I’m not saying we never have a legitimate reason to feel aggrieved. Shit happens, and sometimes there’s nothing we can do about it. And I’m not suggesting that dealing with major life events is as simple as curbing our impulse to complain.
But, if your default position every time something rubs you up the wrong way is to complain to someone, you’re doing it wrong.
Take Control
Before we can move beyond complaining, we need to realise the most constructive ways to deal with something we don’t like are:
- Do something to change it
- Accept it
- Walk away from it
These options have one thing in common; they are all things you can control and make a conscious choice to act on. They reframe the problem so that you are focusing on positive behaviours. This is important because they put the power back in your hands, rather than leaving you dwelling on the negative aspects of situations you otherwise have no control over.
Now, we don’t always have the power to change annoying things in our lives, so sometimes we may only have the last two options available to us. Still, they are both better than complaining.
Ask yourself this:
If there is something you know you complain about and you have the power to change it, why don’t you do anything about it?
If you’re not prepared to make the effort to solve the problem, maybe it is not that bad in the first place, in which case, stop complaining about it!
If you can’t (or won’t) do something to solve an annoyance, then perhaps you should accept it and learn to live with it. If you can’t do that, then you need to remove it from your life by walking away from it. If you can’t do that, then you are doomed to live in frustration, and forever a complainer you shall be.
That sounds like a miserable way to live, so pick one of three options above instead. The first option is the most drastic, but it can be the most effective. The last one is the simplest but may have the highest cost; you have to give something up, after all. It is still better than living in complaint-land, though.
What I really want to explore in this piece is the second option, as it is often the most applicable approach which can benefit the most people.
So, how do you learn to accept and live with something that yanks your chain?
Catch Yourself
Firstly, just breathe. I know you’ve heard this a million times, but when did you last try it?
The next time something is bothering you, and you feel your stress response kicking in, take some deep breaths. Ten good ones should do it. Focus on your breathing. Try to slow it down by pausing between inhalation and exhalation. This should help to calm the monkey rage and put you in a less emotional state.
Ask the Right Questions
Next, try to identify why the problem annoys you so much. What underlying assumptions are you carrying? Are these assumptions valid? If not, are you able to let go of them? Is it possible that you can reframe the problem so that your assumptions are no longer correct or relevant?
These questions can help you detach yourself from the problem and let go of it along with any negative emotions you are feeling.
This requires a bit of soul-searching. If this all sounds a bit too woo-woo, Byron Katie has an interesting framework which is worth taking a look at. Some people find it a bit full-on, but you might at least be able to apply the general principles of it to help you deal with irksome situations.
Once you have identified why something bothers you, you can start to work towards constructive ways of dealing with it.
By choosing to focus on positive actions you can take rather than on a problem you can’t control, you minimise the adverse effects that it can have. You also empower yourself and give yourself agency, which is beneficial for your wellbeing.
This approach takes discipline, self-awareness and patience. Still, it provides a valuable opportunity to learn about yourself and improve your ability to handle stress, which is a great life skill.
There is a reason bad experiences are said to be character building, so ask yourself: What type of character do you want to be? A complainer, or someone who can let go of their negative emotional baggage and overcome difficulties?
I know which one I would rather be.
Building a Complaint-Free Habit
An excellent way to develop this habit and become more self-aware is to try the “no complaints diet”. This is a well-known challenge where participants try to go 21 days without complaining.
The inventor of the challenge, Will Bowen, suggests you use a wristband to help you complete it. He sells a specific rubber wristband for this purpose, but you don’t need one to complete the challenge. A plain old vanilla elastic band will do the trick and can be even more effective, as you will see in a moment.
Here’s how it works. Every time you catch yourself complaining about something, you move the wristband from one wrist to the other. This action makes you more mindful of when and how often you complain about things.
If you want to add a bit negative reinforcement to make the process more effective, you can pull the band back and release it, so it snaps lightly against your wrist. The minor physical discomfort this causes will make you even more aware of your negative behaviour and can further help to break your complaining habit. This works best with a plain elastic band rather than an actual wristband.
Over time, this practice should help you to pre-empt and override your complaining behaviour. The 21-day time-frame is important. It is short enough to commit to, but long enough to build a new habit and create a lasting change that can positively impact your life.
Closing Thoughts
Why not try it along with the three approaches outlined above and see what happens? Chances are you will become better equipped to deal with frustrating situations.
You may develop a new habit that empowers you to make positive changes in many areas of your life. As a result, you’ll find yourself complaining less and feeling happier and more mindful.