Want To Get Ahead? Learn the Art of Active Listening
10 Tips to Become a Better Listener
Did you know that 96% of people think they’re “always” or “sometimes” good listeners? Surely not! Think of ten people you know. Are nine or 10 of them good listeners? Didn’t think so.
Listening isn’t just a good personal skill — it holds a fundamental purpose in our day-to-day relations with friends, families, and lovers. One way we can be a net benefit to our society is to become better listeners. The better we all become at listening and taking in other people’s points of view — even if we disagree with them — the better we’ll understand other people and our own viewpoints in the process.
Listening isn’t a passive activity. You can’t just sit there and hear words coming out of someone’s mouth. The words they speak (as well as the tone, body language, and other cues from the speaker) have meaning. Therefore, it’s essential we treat listening as an active process.
Being a good listener comes with a host of benefits. These include:
- Being liked more. People don’t just like to talk about themselves. Otherwise, they’d spend all their time talking at a brick wall. They like to be heard and listened to.
- Collaboration. If you understand what someone wants or someone’s vision, you can work together on it. The better you listen to someone (and the better they listen to you), the better you can both collaborate.
- Less tension. If the speaker thinks you’re not listening, they may get frustrated. If you don’t listen properly, and they ask you what you think, and you spill a bunch of half-baked and unrelated words, they’ll probably be offended. Keep conversations and feelings running smoothly by listening.
One essential skill you can learn is called “active listening” — and it’s something you can cultivate and add to your Good Human Being toolkit. (While you’re at it — why not also learn how to be more confident?)
In this article, we’ll review:
- What is Active Listening?
- 10 Tips on How To Be a Better Listener
Without further ado, let’s dive in!
What is Active Listening?
We think we listen, but very rarely do we listen with real understanding, true empathy. Yet listening, of this very special kind, is one of the most potent forces for change that I know.
— Carl Rogers
In 1957, Carl Rogers and Richard Farson coined the term active listening in their book, aptly titled Active Listening.
Active listening is when you use your conscious attention to focus on what the speaker is truly saying. The primary purpose is to understand the speaker rather than waiting for them to finish so you can tell them what you think.
Active listening will help you in many areas of your life. When active listening is implemented in relationships, for example, it tends to make couples feel happier.
Active listening can also help you solve conflicts easier. We should be open to people’s criticisms of us. I’m not talking about accepting people talk down at you or abusively. I’m talking about when people tell us something — like an instance when we wronged them— that we can understand without judgment and work on to become better people.
As Jung once stated, “Be silent and listen.”
(Side note: I highly recommend you read Jungian psychology books).
10 Tips on How To Be a Better Listener
Let’s review ten tips on how you can be a better listener.
- Presume the other person has something to say that you can learn from. Jordan Peterson, the clinical psychologist and controversial YouTube sensation — and author of 12 Rules for Life and Beyond Order: 12 More Rules — has rule number nine as the following: “Assume That The Person You Are Listening To Might Know Something You Don’t”. In other words, if you go into a conversation with a learning mindset — rather than a combative one — then you’ll likely be a better listener.
- Hear the speaker out. Someone might say something you disagree with, which you may even feel in the pit of your stomach. Your first instinct may even be to argue. Instead of being reactive, let them finish what they have to say.
- Ask follow-up and clarifying questions. If you find something unclear or don’t quite understand what the speaker is saying, be honest about it. If you truly want to understand and be a better listener, you’ll go the extra mile to fully understand their positions on any given topic.
- Say the speaker’s points back to them. But make sure you paraphrase to show that you understand — or at least are trying to understand in good faith — their points of view. Don’t just repeat what they said back to them — mimicry doesn’t mean you understood the words, just heard them.
- Learn how to be less distracted. This includes putting your phone away, turning off the tv, and closing your book. As M. Scott Peck states in his book, The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth — “You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time.”
- Say the name of the speaker. Remember, someone’s name is the most important word in all languages to them. It validates their identity, and shows that you are paying attention and listening to them. It’s especially beneficial to do this with people you’ve just met or know little about, as it shows you’re engaging with them directly.
- Show you’re listening with your body. If you’re talking face-to-face, make sure you make eye contact, nod along, and use facial expressions to show you’re listening in real-time. If you’re on a video call, make sure you’re facing your speaker and engaging in these behaviors, too. Say things like “okay…” and “m-hmmm” and “that makes sense” to show that you’re listening, but don’t use these passively to mask the fact you’re not listening.
- Hold back on judgment. Freud — the founding father of psychoanalysis — believed firmly in the individual speaking freely. To make the unconscious conscious, one of the primary goals of psychotherapy, the patient must speak freely. In short, to get to the core of issues, we need to let people talk without judgment. Freud’s way of removing judgment was to stand behind the couch as patients discussed their dreams so he could take notes. Therefore, think of yourself as taking mental notes when people are speaking… Or…
- Take physical notes. This is especially important at work or if you’re dealing with clients in your business. Of course, this only works if the other person is okay with you taking notes. Then might not want a record of them telling you their deepest secret. But by scribbling down what someone is saying, it shows you’re listening. Especially if someone recommends you a film or book. (Make sure you ask them if they’re okay with you writing it down — because getting out your notepad or phone to use notes may actually be interrupting their flow.)
- When it’s your turn to speak, tell them that you appreciate their point of view, even if you disagree. This is self-explanatory. Spread love and kindness in the world, and be better to people.
So there you have it!
What problems do you have when you’re in conversations with others? Do you think you’re a good listener? Let me know in the comments below!
Please note this article contains affiliate links.
Terrified of missing out on what I publish?
Follow me and subscribe. You don’t want to miss out now, do ya?
Unable to follow me or subscribe?
Sign up for a Medium membership and get unlimited access to my stories and stories from all other Medium writers.
Follow me on Twitter.
Hire me on Upwork.