Wait for it… How to Benefit From Delayed Gratification

Here are stories about two of my friends. Which one is more like you? My friend Paul is impetuous. He sees something he likes, and he instantly finds a reason to reward himself with it. If he wants to go out to dinner on Wednesday night for example, he justifies it to himself by saying, “I closed a deal today, so I’ll treat myself to dinner.”

Emma, on the other hand is prudent. She sets goals and adds rewards for major accomplishments. Emma started playing guitar. She bought a used and serviceable instrument for $50, though she considered buying one that cost ten times that amount. She told herself that if she studied for a year and when she completed the 26 lesson beginner’s course she could buy a guitar that she really liked. Emma finished her first year of guitar and will go guitar shopping this weekend.

If you can create reward systems like Emma’s our motivation will be longer lasting and the success you achieve will be more memorable. Delaying gratification allows us to fully appreciate the gifts and experiences that are part of our everyday lives.

The Temptation to Give in to Immediate Pleasure

Grabbing for those experiences and objects that are right in front of you without thought to consequence can lead to a feeling of emptiness. This emptiness comes from needing more in order to feel adequate. That dopamine high from the excitement of the moment is good, but it’s short-lived.

Hey, Mummy… I’ve decided I want a squirrel! Get me one of those squirrels!

Veruca Salt (In Ronald Dhal’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory)

We all want that quick hit of pleasure that entertainment or the decadence of a delicious dessert brings. You want it and you want it now. But how much better would the experience be if you had a more substantial connection to those things?

In the famous Stanford Marshmallow Experiment, Dr. Walter Mischel offered children a treat now or two in 15–20 minutes. Some children ate the treat immediately. Others squirmed in their chairs, distracting themselves by singing a song, or chose to move away from the table in an effort to avoid looking at the marshmallow. In a later test, he let the children choose their favorites from a longer list of goodies.

In the end, most children caved in. The ones who didn’t cave in received a greater reward and also were found to do better on standardized tests in their teens and have more successful careers as adults. Mischel concluded that “Children who waited longer tended to become more self-reliant, more self-confident, less distractible and more able to cope with stress as adolescents.”

While it may seem that the ability to delay gratification is a trait folks are born with, it can absolutely be developed. Like Emma, you can teach yourselves to wait so that you experience things more deeply and with an increased sense of value.

Delayed gratification is a sweet lesson whose teacher knows the best is not right now, it is yet to be.

Maximillian Degenerez

Instant motivation over instant gratification

When you choose immediate rewards over more substantial long-term ones, you inevitably leave value on the table. You may experience slowed growth or even a lack of development since you never really got to test what was possible. This creates a “just enough” mindset. A just enough mindset is doing “just enough” to get by.

Just enough is good when time is short or you are not sure of exactly how to solve the challenge. This mindset is beneficial when you are facing something new. Your solution will not be perfect, but it will get you by. Then as you modify your solution, you will grow your skills and abilities. This will eventually reap bigger rewards.

Paul uses this method of celebrating just enough accomplishments, and as a result he is never completely satisfied. He often feels empty and desires to have more. While Emma is content with the progress she is making, she knows that continuing to focus on the big picture will help her overcome the challenges she is facing now and will meet in the future.

Just enough does not serve you well when you continue to fix the same problems over and over again or when your wins are superficial ones. Anxiety is often caused by the misconception that we have no time or other options available. This could not be further from the truth. Dig deeper and be more reflective to be an effective problem solver. Consider all the tools and abilities you have at your disposal. This will help you to remain calm while you search out and implement a solution that will make a long lasting difference. Short term sacrifice now, for a long term benefit later.

Rewards can be a motivator. They help keep your eye on the prize. Using them creates, as Emma does, a feeling of anticipation in achieving what you set out to do. If your progress is delayed, the reward will still be waiting at the checkpoint, ready to be collected.

When I am feeling distracted, having the promise of a later reward gets me to focus more on achievement, helping me to move forward with a bit more joy and determination about achieving my present tasks.

The joy of anticipation

Everyone likes receiving packages, regardless of if it’s a gift or something you ordered. Choosing when to open the box allows you to create the emotional space for the joy of unboxing your package. If you give yourself this extra time, you will also have the opportunity to be completely focused on the experience. You can even sustain and enhance that happy feeling by waiting to open the package, like a kid on Christmas day waiting to open their presents. As adults, we rarely get to experience this kind of excitement. Being able to manifest those positive emotions through your own actions is pure magic.

Select a time to interact with these things when you can give them your undivided attention. Come to think of it, this is also a good strategy for engaging on social media too. Allowing yourself to be completely engrossed in the experience for a few minutes will give you time to absorb the moment. Sit with it, ponder it, feast your eyes on the contents and prepare for the experience, then reflect. This kind of engagement will have a longer-lasting effect. It will increase your excitement in opening the package and your perceived value of the contents within it.

Persistence

The key to delayed gratification is being able to create a feeling of persistence. With persistence you suspend excitement in the moment to experience a rainbow of emotions that you slowly and deliberately reveal over time. This kind of self-management will make you better able to cope with emotional highs and lows. This is powerful emotion training that enhances your ability to separate feelings from actions.

Persistence can also help you to manage anxiety. It does this by changing your focus from what is happening now to a longer view of how solving a problem now has a clear benefit later. When you are feeling anxious about a challenge, take a step back and create other solutions, viable or not. Then justify the use of each one of these as well as the previous steps you’ve taken to solve the problem. This will help you to more clearly define the challenge and discover effective measures for overcoming it.

As we get past our superficial material wants and instant gratification, we connect to a deeper part of ourselves, as well as to others, and the universe.

Judith Wright

Summary

All too often we want to experience things immediately instead of waiting for a time and place to more thoroughly engage with them. When you delay rewards, the gratification of the experience is often more fulfilling. It provides the opportunity to enjoy a variety of emotions. Delaying gratification usually results in better rewards, as the benefits grow with time. One final benefit of delaying gratification is that it trains you to apply a clear separation between feelings and actions in positive situations so that you can better apply this self-management skill in times of distress.

Keep up with my writing and other projects — Sign up here