Wait 24 Hours Before Responding To That Upsetting Email

Here’s why

The hardest automatic patterns to catch are those of thinking and feeling.

Many years ago, a coworker walked by me, and I said, “Hey, good job on that project you did yesterday.” He stopped and glared at me for a second and then said, “What do you mean by that?”

Confused, I repeated, “I just thought you did a nice job.” His stare intensified, and he looked angry. “What are you saying?”

I found this deeply puzzling. Simon wasn’t normally argumentative like this. Then, I remembered that he was in the middle of a break-up. He was used to sarcasm from his ex, so he assumed I was being sarcastic. I felt comfortable saying this to him, and he was able to laugh at himself and say it was true.

Imagine what would’ve happened if I hadn’t caught this. I could have thought, or worse, said aloud, “Excuse me, you jerk, I was just trying to compliment you,” thus bringing to life the very thing he was defending against — mockery.

Our friendship may have ended. Therefore, while it’s easy to detect automatic thoughts and feelings in others, it’s much harder to notice our own.

But, doing so will give you an edge. Here’s why.

Let Me Illustrate A Story.

When I was a psychology trainee, I worked with a young child. He would often stop and look up at me with wide eyes, asking in a loud voice, “What’s going on?” Though the young boy asked out of anxiety, we can learn to ask ourselves what we expect right now to be more in touch with the moment.

We can notice if it moves us toward or away from the person we want to be and the life we want to live. For example, it’s common in psychotherapy practice to see someone stare off sadly and say, “I just don’t know how my life ended up like this….”

Boom. That’s the moment.

Here’s The Power of A Response

When we check into this moment, we find more space for a wider range of conscious choices. So, the advice is often given that you should wait at least 24 hours before responding to an email that really upsets you.

I once worked with a student who did not follow this advice. I emailed him some feedback about a project he was working on, and he immediately fired back a five-page litany about all the things he didn’t like about me.

My immediate urge was to counterattack, expressing how ungrateful he was for the time it took me to develop that feedback, all the hours of support I had given him, and so on. However, sensing how strong my feelings were, I decided to sit with them.

It took me days before I was ready to put effort into composing a response that was professional and helpful, rather than venting to make myself feel better.

So, What Can You Do?

1. Set aside dedicated time to process emails. Experts may promote “Inbox Zero” where you try to clear your inbox daily. But even if your inbox is empty, your work-life — with all its unanswered questions and incomplete projects — will remain full. Give email your undivided attention when you’re working on it, for instance, I check my email every Monday.

2. Divide email into groups. Sort your email into two groups: quick responses and thoughtful ones. Try the “two-minute rule,” as popularized by David Allen, author of “Getting Things Done.” If you can respond to an email in two minutes, do it now. If emails are going to require a few days of thought, acknowledge receipt that day and save it for later.

3. Try to identify the emails you are actively avoiding. There’s an emotional component to emails you avoid, like saying “no” or making a difficult decision. Instead of procrastinating, you will save time by responding in person or on the phone, where your tone and personality will shine through more readily, rather than trying to write the perfect diplomatic response in an email.

4. Turn off notifications. Some email experts advise checking emails only three times a day, but this is not realistic — an all-important message from the boss or a client may need a quick response. But almost anything can wait for 20 minutes. So, turn off your email notifications when you need to focus on something else.

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