POLITICS | ‘MURICA | RUSSIA
Could Wagner Group Solve School Shootings?
It May Be Time to Call the Professionals…
Wagner Group is a well-trained Russian paramilitary, mostly made up of ex-convicts.
What do we know about convicts? Well, they hate child-abusers. At least, according to all the prison documentaries I’ve ever seen.
Thus, they make the perfect guns-for-hire to protect our schools.
With American schools out of session and Yevgeny Prigozhin out of Russia, there is no time like the present to extend him an olive branch. We should hire Wagner Group, if not for ourselves, then for our children.
Wagner Group is a mercenary army run by Putin’s head hot dog merchant, Yevgeny Prigozhin.
Usually, Wagner Group operates much like a private security firm. They protect valuable assets like oil rigs and gold mines in violent areas like Syria, Mali, and the Central African Republic. Yet they are much more militarized than you might imagine a private security firm to be.
The blueprint of their business model was laid in Syria, where the Assad regime hired them to protect oil wells from ISIS, Kurdish, and American-backed rebel forces. In exchange, Wagner Group would earn 25% of the profits from each asset they secured.
For the most part, their arrangement was a smashing success. Wagner Group ultimately secured a half-dozen oil wells, before getting humbled by US drones in dramatic fashion.
American forces spotted Wagner units engaging with rebels in central Syria. The US then sent photos & videos of Wagner units to Moscow, asking, “these your boys?”
To which the Kremlin responded, “…nope, never seen ‘em before.”
So those lads got vaporized.
Despite the grisly end to their Syrian adventure, however, Wagner Group earned (and still earns) tens of millions of dollars per year for the assets they secured therein.
Wagner Group went on to replicate their new business model across the globe. In the Central African Republic, for example, Wagner Group secures the nation’s most valuable gold & diamond mines. In fact, it developed and now runs the country’s only industrial gold mine.
In addition, Wagner was hired as personal security for the Central African Republic’s president. An arrangement which has gone swimmingly, as no coups nor assassinations have been attempted since Wagner’s arrival.
In America, the question is often asked: “What can we do about school shootings? ”
The real solution is not gun control, nor mental health, nor arming teachers… No, no, the only true solution available to us in 2023 is Wagner Group. They would solve it instantly.
I mean, these guys secured Syrian oil drills from Kurdish, ISIS, and American-backed rebels! They could absolutely secure Sandy Hook from some bony white boy. Wagner’s stormtroopers would have Swiss-cheesed Adam Lanza’s ass before he ever got a shot off.
Now that Prigozhin is free of the Ukraine debacle, and is in fact exiled from his homeland, I am calling upon president Joe Biden to extend an olive branch to the man. We could solve school shootings once and for all, by offering them a contract to protect our children.
I am prepared to offer Wagner Group 1/8 of the young men who graduate from a public school under Wagner’s protection. We weren’t gonna use them all anyway.
After graduation, the dumbest 12.5% of male students will serve a mandatory five-year tenure as a Wagner stormtrooper. A sentence which the United States guarantees in exchange for Wagner’s security services against domestic terrorism.
Boom! School shootings = solved. And we did it without taking away people’s guns or even increasing government spending! All we have to do is ink a deal with the world’s best hot dog salesman, Yevgeny Prigozhin.
