Voices in My Head: The Result of a Toxic Relationship?

The Lies and Deceit were Unforgivable

I hear them most nights, the voices. When I am asleep. They are indistinct and muffled. It sounds like a radio broadcast of the shipping forecast.

At first, I got up to investigate. I listened at open windows to the front and rear of the house, but nothing. I could not trace the source of the voices. I could still hear them when I was walking around in the dead of night. At least I thought I could. I quizzed my husband the following morning but no, he had not heard anything.

It is a relief if I’m honest. To hear the voices. It distracts me from the demons that plague and engulf me like a dark, black shroud enveloping me in fear, anxiety, and dread, every single night when my head hits the pillow. I try to distract and disentangle myself from these feelings and the horrible knotted fist in the pit of my stomach, that I so desperately want to go away. I read first, then listen to a calming bedtime story from my meditation app, or listen to an audio book, which always has the desired effect of sending me off to sleep. And into oblivion. Where the demons can’t get me.

I have heard parents regaling stories of how they left a radio on low to help their young offspring drift into sleep. There are young children next door. Perhaps I should go and ask whether this technique is used there?

In the meantime, I will continue to exorcise my demons inflicted through years of mental and emotional abuse by a former narcissistic partner. Having read some very helpful and insightful articles here on Medium — “Dealing with Narcissists and Narcissistic Abuse” by Paul Ryburn” and “Healing from Narcissistic Abuse” by Rev. Sheri Heller, LCSW, I now feel much better equipped on how to cope with these feelings of anguish and fear, even though it has been over four years since the relationship ended and 18 months since I saw my oppressor across a courtroom.

The lies and deceit that I was gullible enough to swallow whole without question, (we were in a long-term relationship and ‘in love’, or so I thought…) were mind-blowing. I trusted him. But I now know that the relationship was a complete sham and it was all a lie. I was used. Pure and simple. My naivety astounds me. But knowing and understanding what happened to me is helping in the healing process.

I trusted this person, but no human being could possibly inflict the trauma that he meted out on me for so many years, and be considered a fellow human. I am kind, warm-hearted, generous, and loving. All of the things that I thought “it” was too (if you think I am being callous or unfairly mean, read Paul Ryburn’s article and you will understand where I’m coming from).

I am not a professionally qualified therapist or counsellor, but I am qualified to write about my experience. If this story helps one other person out there, it will have been worth it. Let me explain.

I was completely unaware that my former partner was a passive-aggressive narcissist. In fact, I had never heard the term before and only became familiar with it after I had managed to extricate myself from the toxic pairing that I had so innocently walked into all those years previously.

My biggest regret is that I not only lost my life savings, but I wasted ten years of my life on somebody who did not deserve ten minutes of my time. I can see that now and it becomes clearer each day. Every time I read an insightful article or speak to a counsellor (yes, I eventually sought professional help), I can see the mist clearing on the horizon and feel the web of deceit loosening its suffocating grip on me. Slowly but surely. And that gives me hope.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or group, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment. Wikipedia

If you have the slightest suspicion or misgivings about somebody in your life having a narcissistic personality, my advice to you would be:

1. Do some research about this type of personality and check whether they fit the brief (look up terms like gaslighting and love-bombing);
2. Take a step back;
3. Don’t share every single, tiny detail of your life with them, even though they will probe you for it;
4. Don’t be drawn into the trap of being ostracised from your family and friends;
5. Listen to those close to you who voice their concerns about this person (it doesn’t have to be a partner, it could be a friend or colleague);
6. Lastly, and most importantly, be yourself. Do not let that person change you.

I almost lost my daughter through “it” but thankfully — eventually — managed to see the damage that “it” was doing. Now, I am closer to her than ever before. We had a very open and frank discussion which resulted in us being completely honest with each other about the effects that the toxic relationship had had on us both. We cleared the air and some revelations were exposed. I shared with her that I had hit rock bottom. We both ended up in floods of tears.

If you are wondering where I am now in my life, I have found my soul-mate and am healing. (See my article: “Village Life: A Profound Discovery Made me a Better Person”.) It’s about an encounter I had while on our honeymoon two years ago.

I trust my husband implicitly; he is kind, loving and, above all, genuine. My previous toxic relationship shames me. I was coercively controlled for so long because I was far too trusting, but I am learning, at long last, to love myself again. As I write this, tears are stinging my eyes. It has been a long, painful journey and I am not out of the woods yet. But I do feel a huge sense of relief at realising that I wasn’t the problem. “It” was.

As for those voices, I have yet to discover where they are coming from, but one day, I hope they will be silenced. Forever.