Sometimes the headline just begs for a smart ass, er, intelligent, response.

Voices in My Head: Answering the Questions Posed by Headlines Before I Read the Stories

The one’s that got my attention

This weeks Voices addresses Titles that have come across my home page. These Titles, with no disrespect to the writers, gave me . . . “thoughts.”

Best Time of Day for Sex, According to Experts by Zoe Naz Uh, hello? How about ‘whenever?” Or “always?” Or, in my case, “Wishful thinking!” According to Zoe, “Experts” say 3 pm, some like it hot in the morning, some at night. Men are men. Michael J. Breus’s book, Power of When, “. . . categorizes humans under 4 chronotypes — lions, bears, wolves, and dolphins — where everyone but the dolphin’s optimal time for pleasure is in the AM. You can see for yourself what your inner beast is.” Ya gotta take a test to figure out which one you are. Not me, I ain’t good at tests. I’d probably flunk it. Besides, best time for me is the once a month I get a “spontaneous.” Gotta take advantage when you can. Even when you’re alone. I think my chronotype is the praying mantis. Mate once, then she bites my head off and I die. Oof. Bummin’ me out, man!

What She Means When She Says “Don’t Stop” by Emma Austin Well, I mean, “Duh.” It means whatever women mean when they say that. Lord knows they hardly ever say what they mean. Oops. I think I just got in trouble. Well, at least I didn’t use the word “penis” in this article. Faster, slower, harder, softer. The main thing women and men should remember is, “When I’m done, yer done.” Right, fellas? *cricket, cricket* Cowards. Okay, sheesh, I am just kidding! Like Emma said in her article, “I like buying vibrators that have cool features.” Heh, heh. I just wanted to put that in my article. God, I’m SO immature.

When Your Kid Starts Picking Boogers Behind You, Turn Your Camera Off by Lisa C Hannon No! Don’t you dare turn it off. Heck, Lisa, hit the record button. Use it for laughs, show it at the annual holiday party, blackmail the kid into doing his chores, take a still shot right when his second knuckle is buried up to his sinuses. Even better, show it to the first girlfriend he brings home that you don’t like and whisper, “He still does that. Can’t get ’em to stop. Won’t even wash his hands after. I just don’t know what to do with him.”

Why Medium Shouldn’t Be Your Only Source of Income by Niklas Göke I think we all know the answer to this one. No worries, there. Really, not many people I know can live off of $1.14 a month. Niklas, himself, says it in the first paragraph, “For the past 20 months in a row, I have made at least four figures from writing on Medium. Less than 7% of writers make more than $100, so it’s reasonable to assume I’ve been in the top 0.1% of earners for a while.” Great job, man. Seriously! But it’s reasonable to “assume” I’ve been deep in the bottom 99.9999% for a while, just like 99.9999% of everyone else.

Is your life going up or down in that moment? by René Junge Yes. Both. Up and Down. Up. Down. Great article, Rene ( I don’t know how to get that little accent thingy above the last “e” in Rene. Yet.) I haven’t taken my meds, yet. Probably why I am writing this article. Probably should have taken my meds, first. But when I look back, my best writing comes when I am off my meds. Cause and effect? Conscious decision? I don’t know. My head hurts. Read Rene’s article. It’s good.

Why Do Men Want to Have Sex With Women? by Christine Stevens HELLO?!?!? Do I seriously need to answer this one? Okay. Because the parts fit perfectly together, like a jigsaw puzzle. But, I also agree with Christine: they want to have sex “consciously because it feels good, and unconsciously because it will form a bond with a mate.” Now, she also asks why do women want to have sex with men? Well, duh! Have you SEEN me naked? That’s why. Seriously, she said it’s the opposite with women: “Women want to have sex with men consciously because they want to form a bond with a mate, and unconsciously because it feels good.” See the difference? I didn’t at first. Had to read it twice. Interesting perspective. Good read.

Why Are Women’s Buttons on the Left-Hand Side? by Joe Luca Okay, I admit this was a tough one. My wife is left-handed and I call her a mutant. So, therefore, I must answer that all women are mutant left-handers, but some women hide it better than others. Thus, buttons on the left side to facilitate their mutant-cy. My other answer, which I was going to put first, was because it helps us men get the woman’s clothes off faster. Those great women, always thinking of their men. I know. I’m in trouble for that one. BUT, I wasn’t far off. I won’t give it away, but you should read his article to find out just how close I was with my second answer. Then, you can admire me. Oh, and Joe, you never answered the question in the beginning of the article: “Why do we drive on the right-side of the road while the Brits drive on the left?” I have always wondered why the Brits drive on the wrong side of the road?

Last one, for no special reason:

How to Grow as a Writer by Roz Andrews Oh, this one’s easy. Be a writer during the isolation period of a pandemic and eat a lot of Bueno Bars. . .and everything else. And drink a lot. Or, do both at the same time. Seriously, you’re gonna grow. . .your belly, your butt, maybe even your thighs. ‘Nuff said. Seriously, tho, Roz gives writing advice that fits for those of us who are newbies, as well as serves as a reminder for some of the more experienced writers who may be sitting on their asses and eating and drinking too much during this great time to write. Thanks, Roz, for the reminders.

Wrap Up

By the way, I am not criticizing any of these writers. No way! These headlines just happened to catch my attention, which, I guess, is a good thing. But then, like what usually happens, weird stuff went through my brain and I started “answering” the headlines and said to myself, “Self. Might be a story idea here. But DON’T criticize.”

So, just to be clear, I did read the stories afterwords, and they are all well written and interesting. I think I followed most before, but definitely now.

Gotta support our fellow writers, even if they are in the top .1%, NIKLAS!

Chuck Roast is a humorist (“humourist” for those of you who like the “incorrect” spelling)for the publication Illumination, a Top Writer in Satire, and owner/editor/writer of his own Publication, Dad-Bods, which is currently sitting idle while he develops his social media skills and gains more exposure through manipulation of said social media. Here are the links to his accounts, LinkedIn, Twitter. Now, please read the story again, only much more slowly this time. It’s how he makes his money til the strip clubs open up again. Yes, he is a male stripper, too. Thanks. Oh, and he loves comments. Please feel free to leave one, but only non-critical ones. Chuck is also very sensitive. Now, read this story again, slower this time. Gotta break into that top .1%, Niklas Göke ! Thanks. Oh, and comments are ALWAYS appreciated.