SATIRE

Viral-ish

Am I an internet phenomenon yet?

I went viral this week.

But let me clarify that statement a bit. I’m not like “Baby Shark,” “Despacito,” or “Gangnam Style” viral just yet.

I don’t even think I’m Nathan Apodaca on his skateboard listening to Fleetwood Mac with a bottle of cranberry juice viral.

Okay, I’ll be honest. I’m not even Pizza Rat or Grumpy Cat viral. I’m probably not even Sneezing Panda or Distracted Boyfriend meme viral.

In my best hours, maybe I’m almost on par with Yodeling Kid in a Supermarket viral. So I’m not exactly achieving Rebecca Black “Friday” numbers out here… but I’m viral enough that each time I check my statistics, the view count is significantly higher than before.

I’m not “Harlem Shake” or Ice Bucket Challenge viral, but I’m viral enough that I’m beginning to see Medium does have negative commenters! Where have they been hiding all this time?

I was beginning to worry that I was surrounded by sycophants! Negative comments are part of the social media experience, after all.

I’m not Mr Beast, PedDiePie or Fred viral, but I’m viral enough that I’ve had five + people today broach me with cryptocurrency-related offers.

I’m not Dog Saying “I Love You,” or Afro Ninja viral, but I’m viral enough that people have cumulatively spent longer reading my article than James Franco spent pinned to a rock in 127 Hours. It’s an important metric, I know. Hell, I’ve almost doubled it!

What if 127 Hours had a sequel? 254 Hours they’d call it… Maybe I should rehire that imaginary agent I fired last week before I’d achieved this viral-ish acclaim. I’m sure he’ll be on board… I digress!

I’m not Spanish Flu or COVID viral, but I’m viral enough that I‘ve spent these past few days feverishly checking my notifications like a shaking, quasi-crack-addled fiend.

I’m not Shrimp Tail in Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Charlie the Unicorn viral, but I’m viral enough that if I were in a car in a cliché action movie, my statistics page would make an excellent escape ramp away from weapon-clad aggressors.

I’m not “What Does the Fox Say” or Salad Fingers or Racist Woman in Dog Park viral, but I’m viral enough that it wouldn’t even take Tony Hawk to get air off this past week’s statistical parabola.

I’m not Laughing Baby or Dog Playing Piano or picture of Elon Musk smoking a joint viral, but I’ll have you know I had four separate people sign up for Medium just because of my article. Did they do their research? Don’t they know I write Club Penguin satires and stories about comic book villains meeting mustachioed plumbers and zombie show protagonists?

Because these referred members will be pretty bummed when they realize they have to wade through stories about the dreams where I terrorize Florida residents in my T-rex costume in order to get through to the real substance here. Oh well, jokes on them.

I’m not Jeffry Dahmer Netflix show, Tiger King, or “Jeffrey Epstein didn’t kill himself” viral, but I’m viral enough that people have apparently forgotten about the 50 clap courtesy. That’s okay, though! They’re total strangers; they get a pass.

I’m not Dramatic Look Gopher, or Vine Guy who put his dog’s nose in his mouth viral, but I’m viral enough that I’ve had eleven different people highlight one individual word from my article and promptly leave. Are you guys working together? Is this a coordinated effort? What in the name of crypic Illuminati bullsh — anyway!

I may not be Bernie Sanders in a chair or George Bush reading a children’s book upside down viral, but I’m viral enough that my story has been added to a perplexingly huge amount of lists.

Seriously, what is going on here? Don’t they know I’ve scrolled past enough listicles this week to make even Diana Meresc uncomfortable? I want no part of your lists! If I get added to one more list, I may just get notification overload.

So the point is: I may not be viral…

But I’m viral-ish.

You know what costs just over 3/5 of a gum ball per day? Supporting the aspiring writer whose article you just finished! Additionally, by the powers vested in me, I’ll grant you unlimited access to the work of all the writers on this platform. All you have to do is sign up through this link here! Can you spare the equivalent of just over 3/5 of one gum ball per day? 🧐