Venmo is Ruining Your Friendships

Summary

The article suggests that maintaining small debts among friends fosters ongoing relationships, contrasting the modern tendency to immediately settle financial exchanges.

Abstract

The article "Venmo is Ruining Your Friendships" argues that the practice of immediately paying back friends for shared expenses, facilitated by apps like Venmo, undermines the social fabric of relationships. It posits that the act of alternating who pays for group expenses creates a cycle of reciprocity that ensures future interactions and strengthens bonds, rather than treating relationships as purely transactional. Drawing on insights from David Graeber's book "Debt: The First 5000 Years," the author emphasizes that the interweaving of small debts is a cornerstone of social cohesion, as it creates a web of mutual obligations that keep people connected. The article also tells a cautionary tale of a son who, upon paying back his father for his upbringing, severs their relationship, illustrating the potential harm of precise financial settlements between loved ones. The author encourages readers to embrace the imprecision of social debts, suggesting that giving without expectation of immediate repayment can enhance relationships and create a culture of generosity without causing stress or resentment.

Opinions

Immediate repayment for shared expenses can be overly precise and detract from the social aspect of friendship.
Allowing debts to exist between friends can create opportunities for future interactions and strengthen relationships.
The act of picking up the tab without itemizing expenses fosters trust and a sense of enduring connection.
Small debts are seen as a foundation of social culture, as they create interdependence and ongoing contact among individuals.
The article criticizes the transactional approach to friendships, advocating for a more organic and less calculated exchange of generosity.
It is recommended to not always reconcile debts, but rather to give freely and accept that repayment will balance out over time.
The author warns against the extremes of generosity or taking too much, which can lead to stress or resentment.
The concept of reverse debt imbalance is introduced, suggesting that returning a favor with something slightly more or less extravagant can enrich social interactions.

Ongoing social nano-debt is the fabric of relationships

It seems nice to pay back your friends after each purchase. We went to dinner, and let me pay my fair share. Maybe you can’t afford to pick up the tab or think being indebted to your friends isn't polite.

Of course, egalitarianism can border on the ludicrous — exactly how many jalapeno poppers did you eat?

When the check comes, and you decide to split it fairly, you miss a chance to bond with your friends. Alternating who picks up the tab gives you an excuse to have a meal together in the future. It signals that your relationship isn’t transactional but rather enduring.

Staying in debt to your friends has its perks.

Ancient societies used small debts as the basis of their culture. If everyone owes everyone else favors, we are all connected and reliant on each other. Paying back the debt erases the relationship and severs the need for ongoing contact. I learned this idea from Debt: The First 5000 years by David Graeber.

How many french fries did you have?

Instead of trying to itemize the appetizers, pick up the tab. Don’t worry about getting it exact; trust that it will all be equal eventually.

Try to intentionally not reconcile. Give without expecting anything in return. When someone gives you something, return the favor with something slightly more extravagant, creating a reverse debt imbalance. Or something worth less than what was done for you, leaving the line of social credit somewhat open.

Make sure not to abuse this system by either being too generous (and creating stress) or expecting and taking too much, creating resentment.

I’ll get this one; you get the next one.

Venmo is Ruining Your Friendships

Ongoing social nano-debt is the fabric of relationships

Paying Back Your Father

How many french fries did you have?