Vanilla Sex is Still Good Sex
The pressure to get kinky can be overwhelming but as long as you picked the flavor on purpose, there’s no shame in vanilla.
“Can you put a cock ring on a toe?” a twenty-something redhead named Troia asked me. There was not a hint of shame in her question.
I failed to conceal my confusion. Luckily, the horror seemed to have stayed hidden. Troia, a dental hygienist with too-perfect teeth, elaborated after taking in my befuddled expression.
“I have a thing for feet. Well, toes, actually. I kind of like when my girlfriend sticks her toes in my pussy. And I was thinking maybe if we put a cock ring on her big toe, it would be like, you know. Clit and vag and toes all at once.”
Any guise of professionalism I thought I’d mastered shattered like sugar glass. I can’t be sure, but I think I made an angry duck face and a sort of strangled squeak while I processed that.
I spent one year selling sex toys all across central Oklahoma. I had signed up through an MLM, went through a pretty in-depth online training, and a “guided” party with the regional manager. Once that was done, I got a big batch of inventory, a stereotypically pink Rubbermaid tote, and enough bottles of MLM branded lube to service The Bunny Ranch.
I thought I was good to go. I was ready to empower women and lift stigma. Let’s talk about sex, baby. A former co-worker agreed to host my first solo party. It was going great.
I did my little 20-minute presentation and was feeling confident as I invited guests back to their private consultations. Troia was the third client I’d ever worked with.
She went straight for the kink. I was briefly at a loss. The training had talked about fetishization and kinks. It still hit me like a tube sock full of kinky, toe-sized cock rings.
Now, I’m about as vanilla as they come. My instinct was to flip a table, yell “What the fuck?” and flee, leaving silicon dildos and lube samples in my wake. But my job was not to judge but to empower.
Instead, I managed, “Well, our cock rings are a super stretchy silicone designed to fit comfortably on any penis. I don’t see why it wouldn’t work on a toe. But do keep in mind these are not really designed for insertion, so there might be some, um, logistics to work out to be sure you’re staying safe.”
If Troia was put off by my shock, she let it slide. She bought a deep red cock ring from me. Troia may have been my first confrontation with kink. But she definitely wasn’t my last.
In my vibrator-driven year, I heard it all. It was a rather rude awakening: for all my progressive views of sex, I was rather undereducated in its myriad variety. I might be an advocate for safe, healthy, exploratory sex. But the drive for kink, fetish, and fantasy-driven sex caught me by surprise.
More surprising was how many people felt compelled to find and love a kink. A quick moment for definition: According to sexperts, kink is something sexually compelling that is against the social norm, but it isn’t required to get aroused. Fetish is something that without it, arousal becomes impossible. Fantasy can be either a kink or a fetish but is typically story, location, or topically driven.
When I say I’m vanilla, I mean it. Missionary, legs-on-shoulders, cowgirl, and we can be done as far as I’m concerned. The bedroom is fine; thank you. I just scrubbed the kitchen counter and don’t want to clean the cum off the cabinets.
Now, I discovered how vanilla I am by trying a lot of stuff at least once: a vital element in any sexual enlightenment. Despite having fucked through the doable parts of the Kama Sutra with a partner, I found that I get the most enjoyment from the “boring” stuff. There’s nothing wrong with that.
When conversations about sex start up, most people dive straight for the kink. Having done sex toy parties at an ungodly number of bachelorette parties, I can tell you fuzzy handcuffs figured in at least half of them. If it wasn’t handcuffs, it was some other form of bondage play or else comically large dildos. Sex isn’t always about getting wild. Kink can be fun and different. But it isn’t required for a great lay.
There are only two absolute musts in good sex: communication and exploration. That’s it. Handcuffs, whipped cream, hot wax, even foreplay, to some extent, is window dressing. A couple who communicates well and is willing to explore with each other will have mind-blowing sex. Kinks, fetishes, and fantasies can add a lot to relationships if both partners are willing. But they aren’t required.
Kinkiness gets a lot of play in porn, for good and for bad. For good, it does compel that exploratory element of intercourse. Vanilla lovers can enjoy a taste of chocolate once in a while. Kink is one very indulgent version of exploration. They can also open up lines of communication. That appreciation of pussy toes has to be brought up at some point, right?
However, the bad of porn kink is it has bred some weird expectations. Many of the clients I had asking about kink satisfaction did enjoy their wilder sexual experiences. Just as many of them felt like sex is supposed to be slutty nurses and spanking. (It isn’t.) Since they were sure they were expected to have some sort of kink, there were some interesting encounters in my dildo hocking time.
A diminutive blond girl sat across from me, still rubbing her fingers together, playing with the lube sample I’d just handed her. “Do you have like a really tough condom? Something sturdy like silicon or something.” As with Troia and the cock ring toe jewelry, I was a little lost as to why. My face betrayed me again. Luckily, the gal continued without my having to ask for more context.
“I don’t think so, but we do have a line of men’s toys. Can I ask what or who it’s for, maybe we have something that will work?”
“My husband wants me to eat cake off his cock, but I’m afraid I might bite him,” she said, looking at me expectantly. “He called it something. Sloshing, maybe?”
“Sploshing, I think,” I returned. “ It’s a thing some folks have about getting messy, dirty, wet, or slimy while having sex or doing sexy things.” This was many, many months after my experience with Troia. My Google search history had since gotten really, really weird. There wasn’t a party I did in real life or online that a kink didn’t get asked about in some fashion.
I observed Blondie while I defined sploshing. Kinks do work best if both partners are into the idea. Unless your kink if fucking a partner who is definitely not enjoying themselves, one-sided kink gets weird. At the very least, kinks can be fun when one or all parties are open to seeing what happens and willing to explore their partner(s)’ desires. Blondie didn’t give off the standard horrified vibes.
Since we didn’t offer dick sleeves and I wasn’t sure where to get one, I suggested maybe she not use her teeth, focusing on just scooping the cake of his dick with her tongue. I did have to check just once, though: “Is this something you are interested in doing with him? A one-sided kink can leave the non-kinky one a little turned off.” Blondie assured me she was down with it.
“I don’t get it, but I’m willing to give it a shot. It could be fun. And I get cake so…” Blondie shrugged. “He seems really excited about it, and I like that.” That was great. I gave her the website of a more extreme site outside my MLM that had useful info on a good number of kinks, including sploshing. She bought an all-organic edible lube. I hope she got to choose her cake flavor.
If you are comfortable with it, indulge the call of the kink. Establish boundaries and an exit strategy if you end up uncomfortable, but go wild. You might discover something new about yourself or a new level of connection with your partner(s).
But if you live in the land of vanilla-like me, it doesn’t make you a lousy lover. It’s fine to be devoid of kink. Remember the two essential elements of good sex: communication and exploration. Kinkiness is nowhere on that list. Be willing to explore bodies, desires, fantasies, and preferences. And if, when all is said and done, Missionary is gonna do it for you, communicate that and enjoy that smooth, creamy vanilla-ness.
Like that? Yeah, you like that, you dirty, dirty humxn. Here’s some more about my time selling butt plugs and cock rings (fewer toes this time.)
Gwenna Laithland is a writer, launch advisor, and writing coach. She is the founder of WonderQuill, a community dedicated to striking that balance between working & living, dreaming & doing. She is a work-at-home mom of 3 living in Oklahoma. She writes contemporary sci-fi and is working on her debut novel, Beyond the Sky.
