Valuable Lessons I Learned About Men From My Sons

#3 They are more sensitive than I ever imagined was possible

Half the time when brothers wrestle, it’s just an excuse to hug each other.

There is a decade between my two sons but their bond is incredible. They have given me an understanding and admiration for men that no relationship or friendship of mine has ever managed before.

Throughout the two decades I have known and loved my older son, and the decade my younger son has been in our lives, I have observed and come to understand several valuable and often surprising things about men from the life lessons they have taught me.

Not that my daughters haven’t taught me anything, it’s just there is a greater familiarity and recognition of myself in them. Hello mood swings, my old friend!

If we are to understand and support young men to be the best they can be, to rise to the challenges of modern life, it helps to first see them in the context of their sometimes inhospitable and challenging environment.

#1 — Society puts a lot of pressure on their shoulders

It’s no longer good enough for a man to work hard to earn respect, be sensitive, and a hands-on parent. He must also have a six-pack.

I already see it in my older son who is 20 now. He wants to be “ripped” or buff or any other term for having well-defined muscles and a torso to rival any chiselled superhero.

It seems as if every movie or Netflix show has an either overt or implicit bias towards guys who work out and have a gym-honed body.

Guys who are a bit chunkier or even just normal, by “average guy” standards always play the sidekick, never the hero.

In the same way that girls sadly learn the value of being pretty from an early age, boys learn the same about being strong and tough. Instead of being kind, caring or empathic, the world seems to only care about you if you have abs.

What are we telling our young men by allowing this to be perpetuated? These values are so superficial. Thank goodness for heroes who also care.

#2 — They need you to listen, even if you’re not interested

My older son will often preface what he tells me with “I know you’re not interested, but I have to tell you…” before launching into an excited description of the latest game he has been playing and achieved platinum trophies on, or whatever.

I am gradually learning that it’s important for me to engage with this. He just bursts with the need to tell someone about it. And if I’m that someone, it’s important that I care.

Because one day when he has something he really needs to tell someone, he knows I’ll be ready to listen to that too.

I have always said to my sons (and my daughters, of course) that there is nothing they could ever do or say that would make me stop loving them. And there is no situation they could get themselves in that is not fixable.

And I don’t say that lightly. We have been through some dark times.

If you want to have a conversation with your son, do something with him at the same time. Go for a walk, play catch, do something besides just sitting there and staring at him. The same applies to a lot of grown men. Confrontational approaches just don’t work.

We’ve all been there: We know we must talk to a colleague, our boss or even a friend about something we know will be at least uncomfortable and at worst explosive. So we repeatedly mull it over until we can no longer put it off, and then finally stumble through a confrontation when we could have had a conversation.

— from “Difficult Conversations” by the Harvard Negotiation Project

They might not always have a lot to say, but we need to be ready to listen when they are ready to talk.

#3 — They are more sensitive than I ever imagined was possible

My younger son is the first of us to cry at a sad movie. There is no shame or embarrassment in this, nor should there be. He has not learned yet that some people will judge you for showing natural emotions.

I used to think that females were the softer sex. That we were the ones who were all mushy inside. But motherhood to two boys has taught me that the precise opposite is true. And my boys give me all the cuddles and hugs a woman could possibly want. My younger son will frequently pause what he’s doing and say “mom, you’re the best!” He knows instinctively when I need a boost and how important those few words really are.

Both boys still impress me with their insight, empathy and sensitivity, providing a useful counterpoint to some of the negative things I have learned from relationships with men who behaved badly and who should have known better.

Many men have learned to hide this soft side of themselves but it is still there, if you look for it.

#4 — Physical affection is really important to their wellbeing

My boys will demand back scratches and massages from each other quite happily, and blissfully receive them whenever they’re offered.

Boys have a lot of energy and need to move. They also need to learn to relax.

If they’re settling down to watch a bit of TV, one of them will flop down on the couch and casually demand a back scratch. It’s just how we do things in our house. I still think it’s a bit weird but that’s just because it’s not my thing.

None of my daughters ever did this, and it’s not something I enjoy at all, but I have dated several guys who like having their backs scratched almost more than anything else physical.

Maybe it’s some primal way of demonstrating platonic care. A bit like other great apes grooming one another, there is a real family or friendship bond that is formed by doing something so intimate for someone you care about.

Don’t ever ask me to cut your toenails though.

#5 — Shows of strength are a matter of pride

It’s really essential to a man that he is perceived as being strong.

Wrestling is a regular occurrence in our house. Wrestling, and light saber battles. It’s not all about winning, but it is all about playing your part.

Deep in our DNA are still the evolutionary markers of our undeniable sex differences. If all women were capable of being physically stronger than men, we’d be doing it already. But vive la difference as far as continuation of the species goes.

We are not all meant to be as physically strong as one another, and that’s where testosterone plays a vital role.

My boys often end their battles with a snuggle on the couch watching a show or gaming together. They are quick to praise one another in defeat but also to roar in triumph if they beat the other in mortal combat — virtually, thank goodness.

They love their mom, their family and well, their light sabers.

#6 — Size matters

I’m talking height here. We all know a guy whose bark is worse than his bite. “Small man syndrome” is just the same as for small dogs. It’s not height that’s the problem but if a man feels less manly because of short stature, he will seek out other ways of trying to impress.

My older son will sometimes muse about whether he’s “short” by today’s standards and I know it’s a minor anxiety for him but one that he needs reassurance about.

It doesn’t take long to find lots of successful, admirable guys who are a similar height. I can easily pluck a few names out of the air - famous guys who are around the same height as him, nestling in the comfortable height zone before you have to shop around to find jeans long enough for your legs.

Why do we perceive height as some kind of achievement? It’s as much a genetic lottery as any other physical characteristic.

But it does seem as though being taller gives men some natural advantages. If you’ve ever tried online dating, you know about women’s height prejudice all too well.

There is an outdated perception that height=power. But for small men in particular this can lead them to become controlling or aggressive.

This theory has supporting evidence too, various studies having shown that taller men tend to win more elections and get better jobs. So it makes sense short men have adopted this tactic.

Even in something as essential as voting for our politicians and leaders, we are influenced by height, and its perceived connection with strength and leadership qualities.

#7 — They’re easier to deal with than we think.

The next time you are trying to figure a man out, just remember that, inside, he’s a little boy. They’re not nearly as complicated as you’re giving them credit for.

They can appear to have the insouciance that comes with male privilege, the innate knowledge that the odds are stacked in their favour.

But they are basically seeking reassurance that they’re okay, they are lovable just the way they are.

As we all are. But women get this from their girlfriends on a daily basis. Guy banter is more degrading, teasing, needling away at the little insecurities as soon as they surface.

Men and boys need space to just be themselves and be accepted for just being themselves.

They are pretty straightforward. Apart from the narcissists among them, what you see is what you get.

I see friends with their little girls, and some of those tiny tots are already high school girls in training, aloof with a serious attitude. My boys? No attitude whatsoever.

On a final note, next time you’re thinking about how men get all of their confidence? Remember, they have the true freedom of being able to pee anywhere they want. Priceless.