Valentine’s Day Survival Guide: Navigating Love, Betrayal, and Healing

My husband had it bad. For each year of our 20+ year union, he endured four back-to-back days of love celebrations as my birthday and our wedding anniversary were sandwiched in between the Christmas and Valentine’s Day bookends. Yes, my expectation was the customary gift: a card with some heartfelt writing, flowers, and a meal completely orchestrated by him to shower me, the one he loves more than anything else, in ways that express his devoted love.

…then three words shattered my world.

I’ve…

met…

someone.

As we worked through healing our marriage after the discovery of betrayal, those 4 days plus the new one, Discovery Day (D-day), the day you find out that you are not living in the world you thought you were, just left me in a puddle of tears and snot. I just wanted to sleep like Rip Van Winkle and wake up days, weeks, or years later with all of the pain gone. I didn’t want anything on those 4+ days. I truly wanted to suffer in silence or rage at him and anyone else who would listen about how tarnished the day was for me. How could he do this to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why did this happen to me?… All the questions that those betrayed have on repeat in their minds.

You see, my regret was not getting the help I needed (a specialist, a mentor, and participating in a small betrayal support group) right from the onset of the “I’ve met someone” declaration, as I thought I was smart enough to fix him and strong enough to heal myself.

How selfish I was to myself.

Once I invested in myself, my healing emerged and flourished. I am grateful to all those in my circle of support who helped me see, hear, feel, and resolve all the pain that betrayal brings with it. Then I invested time, energy, and resources to become a specialist in betrayal recovery to help others walk through the devastation and emerge better from the experience, just as I did.

I believe that self-love and self-trust can be reignited after the most devastating betrayals.

Here are nine suggestions that initially helped me and have helped hundreds of my clients get through those days that pull at our hearts and attempt to re-insert old wounds to resurface. I trust that at least one will feel right.

Set the intention: “Today will be a good day.” Have no expectations. State exactly how you want the day to be. Don’t play games. If you don’t want to celebrate the day, don’t get angry when they do exactly what you asked for—no fanfare. Remember, they can’t read your mind. Tell them exactly what you want. Use your words.

Take a breather. Give yourself a brief break from those intense “why, how, when, with whom” conversations on this day…even the ones that are on repeat in your mind. Tell the Nasty Chic Voice to back off; tomorrow the betrayal will still be there.

Zip Those Lips—If you’re tempted to let out a negative comment or bring it up, consider silence instead. Just for today, less is more. Pause and take a breath. Use calming techniques to keep triggers at bay.

Diary of Resilience—Pen to paper and write it out. Dump all the pain and let it sit on the sheets of a journal. For today, dump it and leave it. It’ll be there tomorrow.

Now Switch gears… Count Your Blessings — Make a list of all the wonderful things in your life. You’ll be surprised by how much you have to be grateful for. Your relationship is not the be-all, end-all. There’s so much more. I challenge you to fill a page. I am grateful for...

Self-Care Time: Pamper yourself as you deserve. A spa day, a relaxing bath, or simply taking a day off—it's what you enjoy, not what others tell you that you will enjoy. Do you enjoy walking barefoot? Do that! You love singing a particular song because you know every single word. Go in the shower or the car and channel the great Aretha Franklin and belt it out! You’re worth it.

Zen Moments: Find a few minutes to sit in stillness and restart your day on a peaceful note. It’s like a mental reset button. Control, alt, delete.

Spread Love—When you wish someone would do something kind for you, flip the script and do it for someone else. Surprise calls or texts can brighten anyone’s day. Keep it light, and about the other, don’t allow yourself to fall into the cesspool of betrayal. Set the intention. No betrayal talk today.

Find Your Laughter — Seek humor in everyday life, even amidst challenges. Find comedy specials... Netflix is loaded with them…And don’t forget to have a good laugh at yourself—it's the best medicine!

In post-betrayal challenges, remember to be gentle with yourself, cultivate gratitude, and embrace moments of joy. You've got this!