Valentine Has Had His Run: It’s Time For Some Culturally Relevant Saints To Have Their Day

This Valentine’s Day should be the last. Our country’s changing at a rapid rate and clinging to an archaic holiday honoring a culturally irrelevant saint fails to reflect that. Valentine’s had this gig since A.D 269. It’s time for a regime change and there’s no shortage of alternate candidates.

Malverde Day — Patron Saint of Drug Traffickers

Though technically only a “folk saint,” Malverde’s an impressive contender. Screw the candy-hearts and flowers, anyone with their pulse on the nation knows, next to Walmart, there’s nothing more American than illegal drugs. Without the selfless dedication of traffickers our country wouldn’t be half the nation it is.

How to Celebrate: It’s payday! Load up that U-Haul with the biggest haul of fentanyl-laced heroin you dare and gun-it for the border. What’s a border patrol against the magical protection of a C-list saint?

Drausinus Day — Patron Saint of Narcissists

Legend has it if you spent the night in Drausinus’ tomb you became invincible. Thomas Becket followed this advice before returning to England to face his foes and, well, was brutally murdered — but you know you’re better than that.

How to Celebrate: Launch a GoFund Me called “Help Me Raise Money To Celebrate Me!” When you hit the million-dollar goal (and you will hit it), throw a party for people toast to your success. And by party, I mean roast for anyone who’s unlucky enough to not be you.

Lidwina Day — Patron Saint of Ice-skating Injuries

Lidwina, after breaking a rib ice-skating in her youth, went on to greatness by fasting so much that she purportedly shed her skin, bones, and part of her intestines. Despite missing half her skeleton, she skated to first place in the 1400 A.D. Women’s Ice Dancing to the medieval classic “Maidens are the Weaker Sex.”

How to Celebrate: Head to the rink, crank up that I, Tonya soundtrack and get ready to execute some blindfolded triple Lutzes.

Anastais of Sirmium Day — Patron Saint of Exorcisms

Not much is known about Anastais but if you need an exorcism, she’s your gal.

How to Celebrate: There’s no party like a purity party! Invite your friends over to bob for Eve’s Apple in holy water, play pin the tail on Satan, and wipe the smile off your face with Linda Blair’s autograph.

Antipas Day — Patron Saint of Toothaches

It’s not every saint who can claim they were burned at a bull-shaped altar, but your man Antipas can — which apparently made him pretty popular with folks who care about teeth. Not to throw shade at Anastais, but if you’ve ever had an impacted molar outside of business hours you know it’s arguably worse than being possessed by Satan.

How to Celebrate: Grab a glass of Anbesol and scoff as you watch that scene from Castaway where Tom Hanks takes out a tooth with a rusty ice-skate; if that poor fool had only known about Antipas.

Saint Fiacre of Breuil Day — Patron Saint of Hemorrhoids

Saint Fiacre was so well-known for his talent at healing hemorrhoids that these irritating anal protrusions were once dubbed, “St. Fiacre’s Figs,” which did little for either Fiacre’s romantic reputation or the fig market. Still, we’re a country of asses and if there’s one thing American’s can get behind it’s curing the wonders down under.

How to Celebrate: Order an extra-large dried fruit basket from Edible Arrangements, sanitize your bidet, and get ready for some ‘you time.’

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