Marriage: Breathe, laugh, repeat
Vacuum Cleaner Dancing In The Dark
Ouch, he didn’t see that one coming
One day in 2003, my husband tripped over the vacuum cleaner.
Well, he didn’t just trip over it; he danced a mean tango with it for a few breathtaking seconds before he defeated it with a karate kick and a curse that would make a sailor proud.
It was one hundred percent my fault.
And it was one hundred percent the funniest damn thing that happened in this house that year.
I got distracted from my usual sweeper path when my Dad called me. I left the vacuum in the bedroom doorway when I answered the phone. When I hung up the phone, I remembered I’d just let the dogs out.
I fetched them inside, concerned about furry dogs laying in the 90-degree sun. It took a two-biscuit bribe to convince them to get inside.
After that, I folded up a load of laundry and put it away. And then after that, I completely forgot about vacuuming.
Hubby came home just as the sun went down and he caught me up on his roof adventures of the day and took off for a quick shower.
The next thing I hear was the Electrolux Slide.
I tried not to laugh. I really did. But come on, if you’d heard what I heard, you’d have laughed, too.
At 19 and 21 years old, my husband and I decided it would be fun and exciting to get married.
I don’t know what the hell we were thinking.
I still don’t.
It was not fun.
It was not exciting.
Falling in love was perfect. Our hearts raced, our skin tingled, our libidos engaged, and our brains quit working.
We had a serious case of the warm fuzzies and we thought love was all we needed. The Beatles told us so, after all.
Love fooled us. It fools everyone. It’s a biological response driven by hormones.
And it makes us dumb.
Even the experts say so.
We thought our love was perfect, a fairy tale.
And then we got married.
The first year was awful.
Some days were exquisite. Some were exquisitely painful.
It took us a while to find our footing, but we did. We committed to each other, and we practiced love and dedication, even when we didn’t want to. The hard times made us smarter, and the good times made us stronger.
People say marriage is hard, but that’s not exactly right.
Life is hard.
Life is damn hard and if you let it beat you down, you will find out that everything is harder. Especially marriage.
And add kids, mortgages, aging parents, death, jobs, careers, money, siblings, and all the other buckets of trouble that beg to break you, and you’ll stretch your love as thin and bare as bones.
Your partner is your best friend, your confidante, your spiritual ally, your lifeline. He or she must help you face your fears, stand up for you, support you, and help you learn every day.
And if they’re worth the paper you swore on the day you agreed to walk through this life together, they’ll make you laugh, too.
16 Things Everyone Should Know About Marriage
- Marriage is between you and him. Or you and her. No one else paid the price of admission to this circus, so no one else counts. You two have to work it out. Every day. Sometimes more than once a day.
- You will live with the consequences of your choices, either together or independently. Never forget that.
- Live life like you’ll only be here a minute because these are the minutes that count. Make time for each other. No excuses.
- There’s no right or wrong way to argue. You either do it well, do it terribly, or don’t do it at all. No disrespect and no physical confrontation. Other than that, there’s no wrong way and no one size fits all. Stop comparing yourself to your friends. Or worse, to couples on t.v.
- Speaking of arguments, remember that marriage is an equitable transaction. That doesn’t mean Even-Steven every single time, but it does mean fair and share. Maybe you’re irked because he didn’t take out the trash. But maybe he changed the oil in your car. Can you take the trash out for him? Will it kill you? Then why not do it? Choose your battles wisely. You’re on the same side of the war.
- Always choose each other. No exceptions.
- If you think two people who can stay together forever don’t deserve a medal, then don’t ever get married. It’s the hardest-most-gut-wrenching-sucky-ass-best-damn-thing-in-the-world good time two people can have. So shut your mouth if you’re not doing it.
- I can’t speak on kids because I don’t have any. I wanted them, but that wasn’t part of my life journey. Kids add so much more dimension to a marriage, and it’s gotta be the best thing in the world to add to your life and marriage. I will say this, though: Invest in each other and you’ll always do what’s best for your kids. Kids don’t care how much money you make or if you get the fucking promotion at work. They care about Mom and Dad. So make them proud.
- Give each other privacy. We all need bathroom time and we don’t need to see what the other one is doing in there. If it’s not your phone, leave it alone. If it’s not your money, stay out of her purse.
- Give more than you take.
- We are individuals and we don’t lose that when we get married. If you’re really fortunate, you’ll grow together, not apart, but it takes work and lots of time. Love and respect, in equal measure, always and forever.
- Be. Fucking. Flexible. There’s a fine line between love and hate and it sticks out like a sore thumb in marriage. Toe the line. Help each other.
- You’re in this together. It’s not a competition. Don’t take advantage of each other and don’t keep score.
- Breath. Laugh. Repeat. I wish you a long and happy life, but if you marry a humorless jackass, you’ll wish for death every night. And you’ll actively seek it every day.
- Forgive each other. Really. If you’re wrong, say the words. Apologize. Don’t sacrifice your marriage for pride.
- Try your best to say I love you before leaving every day or before bed every night. It might sound cliché, but you really don’t know if this will be the last time you get that chance. So do it.
We were cooking out last weekend and I got a stupid menopausal hot flash. I started waving my hands and said, “Oh my gosh! I’m so hot!”
Hubby says, “Damn right you are. Smoking hot.”
And that, my friends, is how you do that.
