UX’ing the dating mindset
And thus, uncovering irrational logic in the process
“Breaking up is part of dating”
Charlie Honeywell (not his actual name) calls it quits before he even attempts another dating round. Dating is heartbreak for him, a romantic dream stopped abruptly. Something come to an end, a tear shed, a smile gone, alas, it wasn’t meant to be.
“I broke it off.”
This leads me to investigate the feelings and moods around the concept of dating.
Assembling a study group
My study group consists of 10 colleagues and friends. They are from all walks of life. They are all actively dating, or have been recently.
They are sharing their insights on the meaning of dating, specifically the question:
Is breaking up part of dating?
Everyone is encouraged to express themselves freely, without being judged in any way.
All names have been changed to protect their privacy.
The responses are ubiquitously, and not surprisingly, bittersweet.
Heartbreak is real
Mind mapping the emotional landscape
Several emotionally difficult states of mind while dating are mentioned by all 10 respondents. A mind map of the most often used nouns and verbs reveals a picture of mostly missed connections.
The dating mind map does not present a rosy landscape, nor does it describe dating as one’s highlight of the social season.
Death, never, and the end of something are mentioned several times. The notions of experiment and impermanence are presented in close relationship with the idea of finding the one.
Take-away: Dating can be dark matter indeed.
“On dating break-ups. Yeah, it’s exactly true, just as death is a part of life. “— Bobby
Looking at dating as sensible fun
“Dating is like an experiment versus commitment.” — Liza
3 of the 10 respondents consider dating to be a game of sorts. Emotions are kept at bay by setting fun parameters. And while one is having fun, seriousness is not really required.
“If I’m only dating, then we’re never quite together enough to truly break up, so I guess it’s fine.”–Bijou
Fun also includes a type of negation of commitment. Or, possibly, an insurance of non-exclusivity that in the event of something going off-road, it is never really meant to be serious.
“Some people use the term dating to mean you are not ‘exclusive’ with one another, and dating other people is acceptable.”–Izzy
Take-away: Dating for fun is a thing, but the number of successful outcomes is considered to be low, near 0.
The philosopher’s approach to dating
“Dating is one of the 3 marks of existence — Impermanence (Tibetan — Mitakpa).” —Louise
3 out of the 10 study group members look at dating through the eyes of a philosopher. Dating is part of existence, but just like existence, the wheel of life has its own spin.
We experience someone for a short time, the person comes and goes, it’s a transient mood, but.. on the upside, there is always a new beginning.
“Dating is the awareness of so many lives lived and so many lives died.”–Manuel
“Dating is just that… a moment in time without an outcome.”–Todd
Take-away: Donning the philosopher’s glasses while dating keeps one engaged and dis-engaged simultaneously. Nothing’s lost, one is shielded against the sun, and outcomes can be made null without any loss.
There are a lot of ifs
“Dating means breaking-up, until one finds ‘the one’, if that happens.”–Emilio
The If-statement is a survivalist’s manifesto. If this happens, then that, and, if that happens, then this. There’s a irreverent logic in place that’s flexible. In fact, fluid diagrammatic mind maps help a lot while coping with unexplainable outcomes.
“I thought breaking up was the end of dating, if it ever really happened, that is.”–Lila
Take-away: If allows for logical romance threads that can go either way. A nice way to keeps things in check.
Positivity embraced
“I don’t know… dating led to me getting married. There were boyfriends and breakups b4 that…”–Jean
Things do happen while dating. Some of them positive. Embracing such delightful happenings are also part of dating. It might feel unreal even, but yet, it happens.
Take-away: Don’t judge the moment, yourself, or the other. Embrace what’s happening.
In summary
The study group of 10 adults currently or previously dating provided valuable intimate details into the mindful feelings while doing so.
Dating can be irrationally logical.
Dating is not what it’s set out to be, yet, things do happen, one way or the other.
The philosopher’s approach to dating seems to be the most gentle one, as dating is integrated as a necessary life experience, regardless of one’s like or dislike.
Stay tuned for updates on matter of love and dating.
All illustrations ©Eva Schicker 2022.
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Thank you for all the participants!