Use Your Words to Heal, Not Hurt

Communication is priceless

Use Your Words

Anyone who is a parent has probably said those words to their children.

We also say things like:

· “Don’t hit.”

· “Be nice.”

· “Treat people the way you want to be treated.”

Obviously, as adults, we know what we are supposed to do, but do we actually model that behavior for our children?

It’s not enough to tell them what they should do. We have to show them with our actions.

We will make mistakes

Don’t get me wrong. I am not in any way saying this is an easy thing to do. If you aren’t very far along in your own healing journey, you are absolutely going to mess this up. You will not always behave the way you want your children to behave.

But if our children lose their focus on the right way to communicate, what do we teach them to do? We ask them to apologize, right? And then keep trying.

“You took Susie’s toy away and used a mean voice when you talked to her. You need to say you’re sorry because you hurt her.”

This is an important point and a skill we need to teach our children.

But do they see us do it? Do we apologize when we lose our focus and communicate in unhealthy ways? Do we afford them the dignity of an apology when we owe them one?

I often feel like I never get it right

It feels like every time I turn around, I am messing up again. When I am upset, my first instinct is to raise my voice. That was “normal” to me when I was growing up. And I struggle with it. I can’t for the life of me overcome this for good. And I hate it. I want so badly to put it behind me forever.

The level of control I have is an improvement on what I was raised with, and I have made improvements of my own throughout the years. So, progress is being made, but it’s not enough. I can’t stop trying to do better. I know have to keep trying every single day.

When I lose my battle with myself and my temper escapes, whether it’s at my kids or someone else, and I raise my voice and ruin the peace in their home, I feel terrible. With the misstep already taken, the best thing I know to do is apologize.

Every child deserves to feel like their home is a sanctuary from the stresses of the outside world. I want that so badly for my girls. So, when I put wrinkles in that, I owe them an apology, just as much as they owe an apology to the kid they may have been unkind to at school.

We can’t expect from our children something we are not willing to give

The “do what I say, not what I do” cliché needs to end.

Leading by example makes sense in the workplace, so how does it not make sense in our homes, with the people we have a moral responsibility to lead?

Many of us parents may have grown up in unhealthy households. We may have been hit by trusted adults, or talked down to, screamed at, et cetera. The list could go on forever.

But as adults, now that we are the parents of children who are trying to find their way in the world, we need to keep working toward our own healing.

We owe our children our own healing

They didn’t ask to be born. They didn’t get to choose their parents. And they don’t get to choose how much work their parents are willing to put into their own healing.

That is so unfair, honestly.

No child would choose to grow up in a house that did not have peace. So, we need to continue to improve our communication skills, for our children, if for no other reason.

The pandemic shifted kids’ reality

Especially on the tail end of the pandemic, where so many of us were isolated to a degree that we had never before experienced, communication is something we have to work hard at.

People were not used to being so separated from each other, and the last couple of years were hard on our kids.

The disruption in normal life as they had always known it was a tragedy, no matter how much my introverted heart sometimes screamed in glee at having an excuse to hide in my house.

I watched both of my children change as the pandemic stretched on and on, for what felt like forever to them.

They need us to lead the way out of this strange world that we all shifted into, even now, as life has mostly returned to normal.

Maybe talking isn’t our strength

Maybe we don’t want to talk things out. Maybe it’s easier to ignore than to solve. Maybe we aren’t even sure how to talk to other people.

That isn’t good enough. We have to try, even when we aren’t sure how. There are ways to learn.

Our children need to see us modeling proper communication with other people, including with them. We can’t always just fall back on “because I said so,” with our kids.

Explaining the why of things is perfectly sensible in most situations.

If you have something that you need to talk to people about, whether it’s uncomfortable, or whether it’s something that you’d rather not address, it’s so important to follow your own parental advice and “use your words.”

The only possible way that people can know what we need is if we communicate it to them, including our children.

So very often we get upset with people, and sometimes we might even harbor resentment against them because of words they misspoke or actions that made us feel bad.

Meanwhile, they likely have no idea that they’ve even offended us.

Actually use your words

Adults, we need to use our words, and we need to use them for healing, as they’re meant to be used. We need to communicate properly with other adults, as well as our children, to make sure that we know what the important people in our lives need from us.

There will be times when we can’t fill the other person’s needs, but just being able to talk about things relieves the pressure and the buildup of anger that comes from feeling like you’re completely unheard.

So… if you’re having an issue, whether it’s with another adult or your children, use your words.

I am going to continue doing my best to use my words in a healthy, helpful way too.

And I hope that when my children look back at the time they spent with me in my house, the memories are a blessing for them.