GHOST STORIES

Up By The Devil’s Elbow

Watch out for the Green Lady

There’s a story from The County that I think should be told About the Green Lady, her eyes are black and cold She lives in the swamp along the Devil’s Elbow Road Crawlin’ from the ditches, she is frightening young and old

Green Lady, UIC

This here’s a true story. I swear to my life on it. People say that it was just swamp gas, or the excitement of getting my dick sucked for the first time, or the beer and weed, but I know it’s true. I know about the Devil’s Elbow. I know about what goes on out there. I know about the Green Lady.

And you need to know about her, too.

My name is Henry Lee McCloud, but folks just call me Hank. That’s ’cause my daddy used to play fiddle for the great country singer Hank… Snow. Bet you thought I was going to say Hank Williams, but nope. We’re Canadian through and through, and the only Hank in country music for us is Mister Hank Snow, ’cause he’s been everywhere.

It was just another July Friday night, and “Jaws” had finally come to the Starlite — it’s the drive-in down near the lake, about 20 miles from town. I was done my shift down at the canners — we were getting the machines all set up for when the peas would start to come in. It was hot, sweaty work, but it paid well. $2.35 an hour — a good two-bits over the minimum. And when the peas and the corn and the carrots were coming in, 60 hour weeks were the norm, giving us time and a half. I’d take home $130/week when we were going full blast. And then the UIC — unemployment insurance — when we all got laid off in October. Living in my parent’s basement, I was able to save enough to pay the $3,500 cash for my ’71 “Moulin Rouge” ‘Cuda convertible with a 426 Hemi. It’s a honey — what the yokels call a chick magnet.

Cruising’ Main Street, I spy Susie-Mae out front of Miss Mary’s Women’s Wear. After school, she works there some nights, ever since her daddy fell into the corn and damn near drowned. He Bobby Orr’d his knee real good, and now won’t work nothin’ but his whiskey bottle. Rye and gingers, whenever he can get a bottle. But if you ever get into a Donnybrook with those Air Force cadets, he’s the man you want in your corner, with only one knee or not.

I pull over and say, “Hey,” to Susie-Mae. She says, “Hey,” back. I ask her if she wants to get a burger and shake down at the Dairy Derby and then go see the double feature at the drive-in. She hums and haws and says she has to get home for dinner. I turn on the charm and let her know I have a six-pack under the front seat, and we’ll have the top down all the way out to the lake. I know she wants to come, and I finally talk her into coming. She plays innocent, but everybody knows she ain’t.

Susie-Mae hops into the Cuda, and we head to the edge of town, to the Dairy Derby, and I get us burgers and shakes. I get chocolate, and she gets vanilla, and we split fries. Greasy, thick-cut fries lie you can only get at a carhop. Best served by a pretty young girl, wearing her hair in ponytails and rollerskating’…

We finished the burgers and fries and headed out, top-down, drinking our milkshakes. Ain’t nothin’ better than a milkshake in a convertible with a pretty girl in the evening — except maybe beers and the same little lady after dark. We head out onto the county road and turn towards the lake. I floor the Cuda, tires squawking, and Susie-Mae squealing with laughter. We’re gonna have a good time tonight!

Get to the drive-in just as the cartoons are starting. Hell ya! Perfect. I run to the concession stand, get a big tub of buttered popcorn and a couple of bottles of Coke, and head back to the car. Jaws is the first feature — they leave the boring film until the second because that’s when the action’s in the car and not on the screen. Just as that big ‘ol shark gets blowed up real good, it starts to rain. I hurry and get the top up, but it’s too late. Susie-Mae is drenched, and she wants to go home. Damn!!! But I’m playing the long game here, so like a gentleman should, we roar back onto the road and head back to town.

Susie-Mae is pissed that she’s soaked, but I grab a beach towel out of the back seat. After drying off, she cools down some. I tell her how pretty she looks wet, and soon she’s back into good humor. She asks about the beer, so I fish it out from under the seat and give her a can of Labatts finest lager, Blue.

I tell her we’ve got plenty of gas and beer, so let’s do a little gravel runnin’. She smiles and smirks, “Let’s go, babe.”

As Susie-Mae sips her beer, I’m ready to tear up the backroads real good. With any luck, Susie-Mae and me’ll have some quiet fun, too — except I’ve heard she ain’t too quiet…

Pulling out onto the highway, I spot a cruiser hiding behind a billboard, just waiting for some yokel to cruise on past going full bore. Not me, my daddie didn’t raise no fool. I had Susie-Mae hide her beer, and I cruised past the officer, going just below the speed limit. Fuck ’em if they can’t take a joke…

Safely on the highway, with the drive-in and the officer well behind us, I put the hammer down. Susie-Mae seems to like the speed since she’s gulping her beer, and laughing like crazy. After a few sweeping corners, she’s pretty heated up from the speed, so I pull a Rockford from the highway, into a quiet backroad. Keeping the speed down, cause the gravel is pretty loose, I pull out another couple of cans of brew, and give one to Susie-Mae and chug down the other one myself.

Growing up in The County, I know these gravel roads like the palm of my hand, and there’s a place called the Devil’s Elbow where we can go to park that nobody ever goes to. The hicks say that somebody drowned there or something, and it’s haunted. They stay well away from it. But that’s a perfect parking spot — some beer, some weed, and a spooky story to tell. That gets the girls into the backseat every time. Or so I’m told.

Anyways, we get to the Elbow, and Susie-Mae wants to know why we’re stopping at the swamp. She’s acting all innocent-like, but you know she's getting ready to howl at the moon. So, I pull out some of my finest homegrown and roll us a joint. I light it up, take a toke, and say “Want some?”

“Hell, yeah, baby! Give it to me,” squirming as she reaches for the joint.

I say, “No, hun. Shotgun time. Like this.” I turn the joint around and put the lit end in my mouth. She then leans over, and I blow the smoke into her mouth, our lips touching briefly, like a spark. She murmurs as she inhales deeply.

After we finish the joint and are enjoying the buzz, I reach over and bring her close to me.

Knowing that a bit of a scare will keep the action moving, I innocently ask, “Do you know why they call this The Devil’s Elbow?”

“I heard that there was some crazy old lady that drowned herself because her boyfriend didn’t give her what she needed. They call her The Green Lady. She’s all transparent and crazy and mad because he didn’t give her the dick that she needed,” she mischievously grinned at me. “You’d better make sure that I get all that I need, babe. I don’t want to end up green and in the creek.”

I lean into her close and give her a gentle kiss on the lips, and she responds, kissing me back. We kiss gently for it seems like forever, until she sneakily slips her tongue between my lips, just like a snake.

Already pretty excited, I almost make a mess right there in the front seat. She slides her hand into my lap and says “Wait your turn, big guy. We’ll get there.”

Hell, yeah!!!

As I slowly unbutton her blouse, she sighs and arches her back, letting out a slight moan. “Yes, baby, keep going.” As I have her blouse undone and am reaching inside, to caress those lovely breasts, we hear a loud thump and feel the car rock slightly.

“Getting ahead of me? Take your time, honey. It’ll be so good.” she asks.

“That wasn’t me. Just the wind,” I reply.

“Keep going, babe. Ley’s get this car rockin’, then,” was her only reply.

She reaches down and starts to massage me through my pants. “Let’s get these down, babe. I need a taste of what’s down there.” Quickly unbuttoning my 501's, and pulling them down to my ankles, I let her do her magic. Susie-Mae dips her head into my lap and slowly starts to lick my hard shaft, taking great care around the head.

“Haven’t had a circumcised one in a while, “ she whispers, just before taking my swollen cock into her mouth. My hips arch forward, my head snaps back, and she swallows my dick whole.

Hell, double yeah!!!

I am in ecstasy like I've never been before. My eyes are closed, but I open them wide when I hear a crash and the car starts to shake.

I look around, and suddenly I’m staring into the eyes of a deranged woman just outside the car. Well, not into, more like through the eyes, since the bitch is transparent. I can see right through her, and that ain’t good. I start to pull up my pants, as the green thing points at me. A hideous sound comes from her mouth. Susie-Mae mumbles, “Stop that,” with my now limp dick still in her mouth, but I’m getting the hell out of here. There are more important things than a blowjob — not many, but this was one of them.

Susie-Mae looks up, sees the Green Lady, and starts to scream. “She’s gonna get us!”

With my dick safely inside my pants, I yell “Shut the fuck up,” start the engine and gun it the hell out of there.

Gravel flys everywhere, even through that transparent bitch.

The Green Lady starts after us, but I ain’t slowing down for fuck all.

Tires screaming near as loud as I am, I take off for town. Thank the good lord for American engineering and the 426 big block Hemi. It got us the hell outta there before the devil knew we were there.

I tear out of the gravel road, like a bat outta hell.

The damn cops are cruising by at the same time, so those motherfuckin’ cherries light up.

Having no time for explaining, I kill the lights and floor my baby. I know how to lose these boys fast. When you got a car like mine, you make some extra cash by running weed or liquor in your spare time. And you gotta know how to lose the heat, fast.

The Hemi cuts in, and I’m off like a jet. Sort of feeling like old Buzz Aldrin did when he stepped onto the moon, I’m sure. “One small step, motherfuckers!!” I yell as I throw the finger back at the lost patrol car.

The next sideroad, I slide into it and quickly downshift so that the gravel ain’t going every which way. I cut the power, and just sort of glide down the road, and behind a grove of trees. The cops, when they eventually get this far, just keep on going down the road.

I start the car and turn the lights back on. Just to be safe, I dump the beers out and my weed — what a fucking waste. Don’t need the cops pulling me over with that shit.

Back on the hardtop, Susie-Mae is still in shock but seems to be coming back to her senses. “What the fuck was that,” she asks.

“The Green Lady, I guess,” I answer.

“The Green Fuckin’ Lady? Bullshit. It was swamp gas or some fools out dressing like girls,” she replies.

“I don’t run from swamp gas. It was the Green Lady. And you know it,” I reply.

“Maybe she was jealous I was getting some dick, and nobody’ll give her any.” Susie-Mae winks at me.

No use arguing with her. I know the truth.

Since we are near FM Hill, I turn the radio on. We get some decent Detroit rock from WRIF. We silently listen to Bob Seger belt out Ramblin Gamblin Man, as it fades in and out of range all the way home.

“Shit, that was scary, but fun,” Susie-Mae laughs as she stumbles out of the car and walks up the driveway to her front porch. “I’m gonna have to sneak in since it’s so late. Pick me up tomorrow, and we’ll finish what we was doin’.” She blew me a kiss and was off sneaking’ into the house.

She looks back, and whispers, “And don’t go looking for that horny old ghost. You’re mine.”

I drove home in silence, smiling. I went to bed dreaming of finishing what we had been doin’ out there. The only problem was that it was the Green Lady gobblin’ my cock, and not Susie-Mae. Whatever. A dream blowjob’s still a blowjob.

When I checked the Cuda the next morning, the only damage to the car was some puke on the bumper. It must have been Susie-Mae’s because I didn’t woof the cookies. It was gross, all green and slimy, and it sorta glowed — just like The Green Lady.

Yes, the Green Lady and Devil’s Elbow exists. They are as real as you and me. The Powers That Be tried to straighten the road and dredge the creek, but the swamp magic is too strong and the Green Lady too fearsome for some midlevel hick bureaucrats to destroy.

When you’re visiting Huron County, and the urge to tour into Hay Swamp and do some gravel runnin’ gets too strong, just remember this story.

And know that, for all of our sakes, I ain’t never bangin’ no chick in that swamp again.

She’s the Green Lady, Green Lady from the swamp Yeah, the Green Lady, Green Lady from the swamp

Green Lady, UIC

Paul Mansfield is a writer, a photographer, a guitar player, a philosopher — some he does well, some not so well, but he still tries them all.

You can follow him on Twitter @pmansfield.

If you liked this story, you might enjoy reading about how my stories percolate out of my mind.