Unveiling the Shadow — Self-Discovery and Emotional Liberation

Finding wholeness

The shadow. A Jungian concept that refers to the pernicious emotional blind spot that we all have but many of us disown. It’s the part of us that we don’t want to own, but it ends up owning us unless we face it. Often referred to as the “dark side of our personality”, the shadow is the rejected self.

Ever heard of Dr Jekyll and Dr Hyde? Exactly.

When we don’t own our shadow, it will come out in other ways. Doing the work puts us in the driving seat and enables us to better connect with our emotions.

“Unless we do conscious work on it, the shadow is almost always projected: that is, it is neatly laid on someone or something else so we do not have to take responsibility for it.” Robert Johnson.

What does it look like when we don’t own our shadow?

If you have a particular aversion to a particular quality in a person, perhaps laziness, cowardice or egotism. You might notice a strong reaction when you come across people exhibiting these traits, this is your projecting your shadow onto them.

That’s not to say that they don’t also exhibit those traits but when we are ashamed of a certain aspect of our personality, we are more likely to project this onto the people around us. We then sit in judgment of those people, not realizing that they are just a mirror for our true selves.

Where does it come from?

As children, we receive messages from our environment about good vs. bad. For example, if you threw a temper tantrum as a child and were reprimanded, you might have learned that anger is bad.

When we are children and are unable to meet our own biological needs, we are programmed to behave in a way that ensures those around us keep us safe. As such we pick up on the negative cues and we learn not to exhibit those behaviours. That doesn’t mean we don’t still have those feelings, we just learn to hide these parts of ourselves.

“Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate” — Carl Jung

How do we make the unconscious conscious?

The first caveat here is that it isn’t easy. It’s uncomfortable and difficult. It can feel like dredging the river. So why bother? By owning our “negative” traits, we open ourselves up to tremendous opportunities for growth and development, and we get to experience life more fully.

Integration has to be a conscious effort, we can only change something if we accept it.

It’s easier to start small. Don’t list out everything you hate about everyone around you and then start telling yourself that you must be all of those things. First experiment.

1. Create a container. This is a safe space for you to experiment, ideally free from distractions, with no possibility of someone busting in on you to ask where their socks are or what’s for tea.

2. Make it cozy, maybe light some candles, or get some cushions — whatever you need to feel safe.

3. Identify a situation that your conscious mind doesn’t like. Perhaps it’s a person or a particular trait.

4. Identify the feelings and emotions that you associate with this situation.

5. Now find 5 examples of when you have exhibited this trait yourself. For example, if you have a strong aversion to someone who you think is lazy, find an example of this trait in yourself. Be warned — your ego will block you here, it will tell you that you are never lazy. However, consider all elements of your life. For me, I can’t stand the trait of laziness, but I also hate ironing and I can go months without wearing certain clothes just because they need ironing. I am lazy when it comes to ironing, so I own the trait of laziness.

6. This might take a while, and it’s a challenge. Be kind to yourself throughout, this isn’t a self-flagellation exercise. The purpose is to allow you to connect with your whole self and to make being in the world more enjoyable when you can identify with those around you.

7. Gratitude — give yourself thanks for being willing to see this part of yourself. As a disowned part, being brought into the fold can feel like coming home. There might be tears. Make space for everything that comes up.

8. Open yourself up intentionally and humbly to receive, express deep gratitude for, and truly relish the situation that your unconscious mind has brilliantly orchestrated.

9. Record your findings.

Lastly, remember that to have a shadow is to be human. Our dark sides need love just as much as our light, for we cannot have one without the other.

How can I be substantial if I do not cast a shadow? I must have a dark side if I am to be whole. — Carl Jung

Further reading:

• EXISTENTIAL KINK — CAROLYN ELLIOTT

• OWNING YOUR SHADOW — ROBERT JOHNSON

• KINGS, WARRIORS, MAGICIANS, LOVERS: REDISCOVERING THE ARCHETYPES OF THE MATURE MASCULINE — ROBERT JOHNSON & DOUGLAS GILLETTE

• SHADOW & EVIL IN FAIRY TALES — MARIE-LOUISE VON FRANZ