Untaming My Fear of Abandonment
My fear of abandonment is the only thing keeping me from thriving.
I’ve been crippled by a fear of abandonment for as long as I remember.
Maybe it started when my dad locked my brother and I in a room when we were toddlers so he could spend his time with the women that came over. Or maybe when my parents started dating after their divorce. Or maybe my fear of abandonment stems from being cheated on in most every relationship I’ve been in, including my marriage.
But I’m not interested in psychoanalyzing the origin. Not anymore, at least.
I am interested in redemption. I am interested in freeing myself from the shackles of this fear that hijacks my nervous system on a daily basis.
After years of stumbling through my healing, I think I’ve found the way.
It goes beyond psychoanalysis. Far beyond affirmations and self-help. It goes beyond the surface because the answer lies close in. As close in as I’ve ever ventured; to the sacred wildness of my own heart.
In this wildness, I remember who I am. I can see clearly how I’ve tamed myself in the name of security. In the name of “that’s just how the world is.” In the name of survival.
But I am not interested in survival anymore. I am interested in learning how to thrive. It may just kill me. But after seeing what I’ve seen in my own wild heart, I simply cannot go back.
The Heart of My Fear of Abandonment
Underneath all my judgments of my father, of men in general, of women in general, and of myself, there is a core belief that fuels my fear of abandonment:
If I embody my full self, I will be abandoned.
If I speak my mind or express my true feelings, I will be abandoned by the people I am around. If not by their presence, by their admiration.
But through the eyes of my wounds, admiration equals survival. Losing the admiration of others — especially those I am closest to — literally feels like dying.
The way I’ve tamed myself to survive is to sell my soul for the admiration of others. I’ve hollowed out my wild heart and filled it with everything I need in order to be an admirable woman.
I’ve abandoned myself to protect myself from being abandoned by others.
The irony is that even self-abandonment has not protected me from the abandonment of others. In the end, I’ve been left abandoned by others as well as abandoned by my self. I’ve never felt a feeling more painful than this.
Untaming My Survival Strategies
My survival strategies are the only thing blocking me from thriving. This is because it is my own self-taming that blocks me from returning to the wild aliveness in my heart.
The two main ways I tame myself in an effort to protect myself from the abandonment of others are:
- Earn their admiration.
- Never directly challenge anything they say, no matter how much it hurts me.
These two survival patterns keep me far away from the wildness inside of me. I’m either too busy performing for the admiration of others or I am too busy gaslighting myself into not being offended enough to speak up for myself.
It keeps me trying to impress the people I feel the loneliest around.
It keeps me working in the shadows, thinking, “If only I can get them to change their mind about what is admirable, then I can show up and be my full self.”
It keeps me dependant on the opinions of others, only expressing what is actually alive in me if I am certain it will be perceived as admirable.
Living this way is exhausting because it is devoid of any connection. Instead of experiencing the true love my wild heart craves, I am settling for the crumbs of admiration.
In this way, my survival strategies are the only thing blocking me from thriving.
I used to think it was the world blocking me from thriving. I used to think it was the patriarchy or men or capitalism.
It’s not.
It’s always been me.
I keep myself stuck in survival mode when I refuse to let go of my survival strategies.
But if I let go of my survival mode strategies — if I stop trying to earn the admiration of literally everyone and if I begin to express nothing but the wildness in my heart — I will be abandoned by the world.
People won’t get it. People will judge and criticize me harshly. Maybe my partner will not want to be with me anymore. I will enter awkward and uncomfortable conversations that maybe I’m not equipped to handle. I will be forsaken by the patriarchal and capitalist systems that have kept me safe all this time.
If I commit to thriving and fully embodying the wildness in my heart, I will be forsaken by everything I’ve ever known.
I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise, but my heart knows it is true. The world is fickle, its admiration conditional in each moment. My belief about abandonment is true. If I am my full self, I will endure the abandonment of the world.
This is a truth I must come to terms with. I must honor how high the stakes of thriving are. I must honor what it will cost me to be me.
This is the beginning of my true untaming.
The Cure for Abandonment is Abandonment Itself
How much longer am I willing to abandon myself to save myself from the abandonment of the world?
What is on the other side of being abandoned by the world?
I don’t know for certain, but I have a hunch the answer is everything.
Everything is on the other side of being abandoned by the world.
But most importantly, I am on the other side of being abandoned by the world. Me. My wildness. My purpose. My one precious life.
I have come to the place where it feels more painful to abandon myself than it feels to be abandoned by others. And yet, I am still afraid.
I am afraid because I have not yet understood that The World is not Love. I have not yet understood that even though I will be abandoned by the world, I will never be abandoned by Love.
And actually, that I must be brave enough to endure the abandonment of the world so I can experience true Love. Wild Love. Nourishing Love.
I must be abandoned by the conditional self-worth the world gives me in order to actually experience my unconditional, inherent worthiness. I must allow the world to tell me I do not belong in order to truly belong to myself.
I can understand conceptually how letting go of my compulsion to win the approval of the world will lead to greater peace and connection and joy. But I still cannot let go.
Sometimes I am afraid I will never be able to let go.
I ask myself in the dead of night if I am enough for all that is required of me to thrive. Am I enough to endure the abandonment of everything I’ve ever known? Am I enough to give birth to my new self through embodying the Self I’ve been all along? Am I enough to endure the fire of such a radical change? Am I enough to endure all thriving will require of me?
The night grows silent and empty as I listen for a reply. If I listen long enough, Love’s whispers always fill the empty space:
No one lets go all at once. The entire journey is not meant to be lived in this moment. You were only ever meant to endure this part. The magic is only ever happening now.
All that is required of you is to live in the grace of today. Participate in the conversation today is inviting you into. Trust me. Trust your wildness. Let each moment carry you to the next.
You are right to let the world abandon you, darling.
For you have found a deeper well.
