Unsolicited Advice is Really Just People Talking to Themselves

Their advice tells you what THEY need to hear

During a turbulent period in my business, I joined a local gym to get myself in fighting form. The gym owner, a 45-year old divorced father, exuded massive, if exaggerated, self-confidence and often chatted me up about business.

Running a gym didn’t afford “Tony” the level of public adulation he craved, and the martial arts medal he had won some 25 years ago had lost its effect as a personal branding tool. These days, Tony wanted nothing more than to become a social media influencer and build some celebrity for himself in the fitness world.

One day, after Tony shared his latest business struggles, I turned to Instagram to check out his influencer game. He hustled daily toward his dreams of social media fame, exercising a selfie-video habit rivaling that of a 15-year old TikTok princess. But validation from an audience was not forthcoming…

I found something that surprised me: Video after video, post after post, Tony preached to the internet about how to “be successful.” “Just do it!” he shouted to the five or six people paying attention. “Believe in yourself to succeed!” “You too can make it!” I was confused and quite aware Tony had yet to achieve his own goals. So why not focus on that? It seemed like a would-be audience might be more supportive of a genuine effort to build a brand than of a relentless hustle to pretend he already had.

Yet various just-do-it-isms were the main fare on the page. Tony’s multi-year Instagram effort to teach people how to believe in themselves so that you, like him, can also “make it” was impressively robust. And notably devoid of any connection to the reality of his struggle.

But everyone is entitled to their hustle. So if he wanted to “fake it until he made it,” why not? Why was this such a cringefest? I just couldn’t shake the feeling that every post on this Instagram account gave us an accidental peek inside Tony’s tortured psyche. Every shout from him to “believe in your goals!” felt like something he needed to hear — not share.

Of course, Tony is not alone in preaching about how to achieve things he had not. I’ve also given my fair share of unsolicited advice — something I’ve tried to scale back as an adult. I once scolded a friend for enabling an abusive family member (at least that’s what I thought was going on). Years later, I realized I was the one enabling some emotionally abusive people in my own life — and projecting it on her instead of dealing with my stuff.

And this realization taught me something: Unsolicited advice says more about the person giving it than about those receiving it. Coaching people who aren’t asking for help; preaching at people who aren’t listening; foisting “wisdom” onto friends, family, and randos who just aren’t that into it? Maybe the advice is what the person giving it needs to hear.

Tony — barking his orders in video after video to “believe in yourself and just do it!” — was talking to himself.

Today, when I get advice I didn’t want and don’t welcome (and possibly that I find offensive) — whether from a friend, a colleague, an in-law, or a stranger, I take it in stride. It’s actually kind of empowering to see it as the advice-giver airing their personal grievances.

And, if you’re the one forcing your sacred commandments onto others all the time? Preach at your own risk. Because while you are dressing down your audience, the rest of us can see your underwear.