Unpacking the Trope: Older Women Have Too Much Baggage

The guys who say this are the guys who give it to us & then abandon us with it — the ones (like Andrew Tate) who want to date someone young and ‘pristine’ — someone they can really make a mark on. Then they tell you that you have no value anymore because of what you ‘let’ them do to you.

Every single day, I am told that I am fundamentally unattractive. You see, I’m over forty and present as female. I get it from random men I encounter in real life (usually when I’ve rejected their advances) as well as trolls on the internet. If I play hermit for a day, thereby avoiding any direct encounters with the male animal, I will still be bombarded by this message. Our data-mining overlords will ensure that it’s all over my digital landscape — from promotions in my inbox to botox ads on YouTube — it’s inescapable. It’s also an infuriating pile of horse shit.

I can name so many celebrity females who are still considered very attractive who are older than me — from Reece Witherspoon to Thandiwe Newton, there’s a plethora of sexy women closer to a half century in age than a quarter.

Where does this idea come from?

I’ve tried to find data on this but it’s difficult to narrow down its exact origins. Like most ridiculous stereotypes involving older women, it’s considered common knowledge, the source of which no one seems to care to investigate. (If anyone knows where I can find actual data on this, please leave it in the comments.)

From what little I was able to gather, this trope is the product of the 20th Century. Previous to that older women were acknowledged as having equal but different value to their younger counterparts. They were often widows and, as such, were capable of accruing assets in a way that young, single women were prohibited from. If they had children from their previous marriage(s), this was also considered a great asset — children could (and were expected to) work prior to the passing of child labor laws in the 1930s. The fact that she had living children and survived was also a consideration in her favor — clearly, she’s a good breeder.

The 20th Century welcomed many social changes, especially for women. We gained the right to vote, the right to bodily autonomy, equal access to education and employment opportunities and more. The patriarchy is hard at work retracting those rights gained and trying to put us ‘back in our place’ but that’s a subject for another article…

It started to become less common and accepted to see young women in their early teens marrying older men. I’m in no way claiming this practice ceased altogether — hell, it’s still practiced in many states today (which is reprehensible and should be illegal) — but it was no longer common practice and to be expected.

The patriarchy bred and brainwashed generations of men to believe women weren’t fully human — just objects to be traded and used. Some men evolved with society, others clung to the past, resentful of the entitlements they were losing like access to and ability to acquire very young women. These are the men who can’t get women their own age because the beliefs they so desperately cling to repel mature females. Who among us wants to be viewed and treated as a thing, devoid of feelings, needs, or thoughts?

These males (both of the early 20th and 21st centuries) are writing themselves a permission slip giving themselves socially accepted access to young women by perpetuating the trope that older women ‘have too much baggage’. Is it any wonder women their own age don’t find them desirable?

Except that’s not the problem. The problem is grown-ass adult men feeling entitled to underdeveloped young females. The problem is that we as a society continue to fail to hold men accountable for their own actions. The problem is that we continue to fail our female population — of all ages.

Is it misogynistic?

One easy way to determine if something is sexist, misogynistic, or rooted in the patriarchy is to ask yourself if you can reverse the gender roles. If you reverse the roles and no one bats an eye, the answer is no. If you reverse the roles and the response is violently opposed to males being treated this way, the answer is yes.

Ironically, this is another of the changes the early 20th Century gave us. Prior to that, older women (married or widowed) were expected to be the sexual mentors to young men. If men were to pursue young women their own age they would be expected to marry them before any sexual activity. Older women had no such expectation of them, and they would be free to explore their sexuality without engendering a lifelong commitment.

Ask yourself, why is it a man like Hugh Hefner can have an entire house full of barely legal young women available for his every sexual desire and he’s considered an aspirational icon living the dream but the moment a female celebrity dates someone marginally younger she’s mercilessly shredded by the public. Just look at how the media treats the age difference between Olivia Wilde and Harry Styles. There’s only 10 years between them and his brain was fully formed before their affair began but she’s been slandered as a predator.

What do they mean to convey when they say ‘older women have too much baggage’?

I think it’s important to examine who says this and why because, let’s be honest, we all have baggage. I had serious baggage from my parents’ divorce by the time I was 8 years old. I’ve not met a single person in all my decades on this planet who didn’t have some baggage by the time they came of age — a divorce, losing a family member, a car accident, an illness — no one makes it to eighteen without experiencing something that sticks with them.

But that’s not what they mean by baggage, is it? Not when this phrase is being employed. ‘Baggage’ in this context is code for negative experiences with men that impact one’s ability to trust, be openly sexual, or even feel safe around them. It’s the hypervigilance in public spaces from years of being treated like communal property to be harassed, stalked, and groped with impunity. It’s knowing exactly what’s happening when a guy gets cagey about showing you where he lives. It’s the way your nightmares from your rape wake him. Do you have to scream every time? It’s those standards you’ve learned not to compromise, not even for this or that special situation he believes you should be more ‘understanding’ about.

One of the most common arguments I hear from the men who employ this phrase is, ‘I wasn’t the one who did those things to you so I shouldn’t have to deal with it.’ I don’t believe for one single second that the guys who say this are actually innocent of the actions in question. They just didn’t do it to you. Remember, theses are the men who will employ this trope to excuse targeting, grooming, and taking advantage of still developing young women.

I’m not sitting on the sidelines anymore…

I don’t have the spoons or the power to singlehandedly change this but I’m done viewing myself as unable to make a difference because of the size of my life or following or any other excuses, really. I have a short list (5 things) to do to combat the perpetuation and acceptance of this toxic trope.

• Educate young women at an early age
• Make it socially unacceptable to date young women if you are not within their age bracket. Call it out. Everywhere. Film & TV, music, real life, literature.
• Stop viewing women as things.
• Stop perpetuating the idea that we ‘expire’ like dairy products left in the fridge too long.
• Stop saying that because men mature more slowly, they are a match for a female decades younger than them — it’s a twisting of reality to suit the male desire to exploit young women and factually incorrect. When you hear this, call bullsh*t.

For years, I’ve sat silent while people around me said things like this. No longer. I’ve found my voice again and I’m starting to discover how much wisdom is available to women my age. I refuse to adopt the culture of in-fighting that the patriarchy promotes in female relationships. I will use my voice to defend women of all ages, colors, and origins.

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