Unlearning Selfish Tendencies

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Abstract

The ideas of subject & object became the locus of a gaze; the notion that the philosopher began from subjectivity (as opposed to sitting outside human life reporting on what he saw/understood) & from that point disclosed the world became the standard starting point. Because the fact is, “I think therefore I am” does not entail “We think therefore we are”.But sometime later, Hegel’s notion of the revelation of self-consciousness via an encounter with another consciousness is (confusing/complicated) a strange, but somehow helpful notion when it comes to understanding, or positioning, myself in relation to another person; because, of course, it’s problematic when humans treat other humans as objects (slavery, rape, extortion; murder is the action of one human reducing another to the irreversible thing, object). None of those situations is possible by way of a subject treating another subject; rather, that relation is a subject doing whatever they please to an/a collection of objects, or a subject that they have reduced to object-hood. In Hegel’s description, you have this notion of return where it is (almost) like both subjects taking a turn at being object for the other, while they realize that what they’ve encountered is like them, & cannot be consumed by the voracious, immediate consciousness. One consciousness takes on another by way of trying to understand this walking, talking “object” which is ultimately not an object, while at the same time is an object.In this way, there is a back-&-forth, a give & take between the encounters of two consciousnesses. Is it possible to use this as a kind of model to reveal how to not be trapped in a routine of selfish behaviours?This last weekend was wonderful, though. & there were plenty of wonderful moments in January this year, as well. Both occasions share a feature: my wife & I were working together on house projects.I have learnt, certainly, to exist within certain levels of pain. I can’t go indefinitely at any physical activity. Pain will invariably ramp up & slow me down. This has happened several times when I tried to return to my job in manufacturing. It happens when there is too much snow on the driveway. So, not wanting to live the rest of my life glued to my seat, I have learnt how to manage a modicum of physical activity, always coupled with some downtime. I have to take frequent seated breaks.Nevertheless, I helped replace our living room floor & (most recently) we built an indoor “treehouse” for our daughter. These have been, without a doubt, the happiest moments for my wife & I in five years. A

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lmost as if the shared effort, the bare fact of cooperating, was a catalyst for enjoyment itself. Of course, as with any renovation project, there were frustrating moments, but I can barely remember them, diminished as they were by the glow of my wife’s smile (I married her for that, the most dazzling smile in the world).It’s true that the last time my wife & I discussed what we wanted (out of life, out of our relationship, whether we even have a relationship), she indicated that she didn’t know where we stand: I have made life very difficult for her. By way of my selfishness, her dreams have had to take a backseat. I have been unable to work full time at any job I have held over the last few years for longer than a few months. This has remarkably frustrated her financial goals, &, perhaps more important, has eroded her sense of security. I am forever (excuse the hyperbole) something of a question mark.Add to the above description frequent, intense anger & resentment, you could absolutely express your surprise that she is still with me. Sometimes I can’t believe it. In fact, she says that the fact that she “doesn’t know” where we stand is a good thing for our future; she says it should be easy for her to leave me behind, & not look back after the difficulties I’ve brought to her life.So to reduce the tension I’ve created by excusing my behaviors by way of my victimhood, I have (at long last) sought counseling. Almost instantly, I began to reflect on the real cost of my behavior, begin to see the things that I was doing that harmed our relationship, that was, in point of fact, me treating my family as objects. Their needs were second to mine, only in a sort of reductive, barely human fashion. My life was still front & center.Only it can’t be if I want to continue to have a relationship with my girls, for what kind of relationship does a subject have to objects? Either maker or owner (not to get too, too deep into that particular issue [see Hegel’s master/slave story]). But I am neither to my family, & don’t want to be. So how do we learn to put others first?I can only attest to the benefits of this cooperation & reflection; through these processes there is a real realization that the other, too, is a subject, one we can happily, kindly, lovingly interact with. Moreover, the Other becomes a partner, complicit in your existence, helping to reveal you yourself as a self-conscious being. Perhaps there are more ways to unearth this, realize this, but this is certainly a good place to start.<a href="undefined">J.D. Harms</a> 2020</article></body>

Cooperation, reflection as ways to cease damaging behaviours

Selfishness makes for lonely pursuits.

It has been, as I’ve written elsewhere, a trying past few years for my wife & daughter since I was diagnosed with a rare, painful neuropathy in 2015. Sometimes, I think that the patterns I have been stuck in started when someone told me (when the pain started setting in) that it’s okay to be a bit selfish when we’re ill. They said that sometimes it’s necessary to just focus on you when you’re trying to recover. That said, it’s a moot point when the condition will never go away. But I think I took my interlocutor at his word. Since then, I have spent months rooted to the couch, trying get everyone else to stay the hell away from me when I would finally get comfortable. I equated the entry of another body within my personal space as likely to disrupt the fragile equilibrium I had just achieved. I was selfish & demanding in other ways, too. Potty training our child could have happened months earlier than it did only because I found it physically easier to change her diapers, rather than sitting in the bathroom for hours trying to calm her down, keep her seated, etc. I was also selfish in how much housework I contributed to, using pain as an excuse to keep me seated when I could probably have gotten through the vacuuming or such. I claimed that unloading the dishwasher was pretty much the extent of my capabilities, leaving my wife to shoulder the heavy burdens of the rest.

I’m sure I’ve forgotten plenty of other instances. (Exhaustion, pain, & medications really don’t help with memory retention.) Once started, though, reversing patterns like these, especially once they’ve had years to become ingrained, is difficult, to say the least. Assuming an attitude of victimhood (a classic instance of bad faith) really doesn’t assist in improving these relationships.I

At a critical moment in the history of ideas, Rene Descartes declared “I think therefore I am”. Mind-body dualism, made up of the distinction of the “thinking substances” from the “extended substances” (bodies; extended in space), was born. The ideas of subject & object became the locus of a gaze; the notion that the philosopher began from subjectivity (as opposed to sitting outside human life reporting on what he saw/understood) & from that point disclosed the world became the standard starting point. Because the fact is, “I think therefore I am” does not entail “We think therefore we are”.

But sometime later, Hegel’s notion of the revelation of self-consciousness via an encounter with another consciousness is (confusing/complicated) a strange, but somehow helpful notion when it comes to understanding, or positioning, myself in relation to another person; because, of course, it’s problematic when humans treat other humans as objects (slavery, rape, extortion; murder is the action of one human reducing another to the irreversible thing, object). None of those situations is possible by way of a subject treating another subject; rather, that relation is a subject doing whatever they please to an/a collection of objects, or a subject that they have reduced to object-hood. In Hegel’s description, you have this notion of return where it is (almost) like both subjects taking a turn at being object for the other, while they realize that what they’ve encountered is like them, & cannot be consumed by the voracious, immediate consciousness. One consciousness takes on another by way of trying to understand this walking, talking “object” which is ultimately not an object, while at the same time is an object.

In this way, there is a back-&-forth, a give & take between the encounters of two consciousnesses. Is it possible to use this as a kind of model to reveal how to not be trapped in a routine of selfish behaviours?

This last weekend was wonderful, though. & there were plenty of wonderful moments in January this year, as well. Both occasions share a feature: my wife & I were working together on house projects.

I have learnt, certainly, to exist within certain levels of pain. I can’t go indefinitely at any physical activity. Pain will invariably ramp up & slow me down. This has happened several times when I tried to return to my job in manufacturing. It happens when there is too much snow on the driveway. So, not wanting to live the rest of my life glued to my seat, I have learnt how to manage a modicum of physical activity, always coupled with some downtime. I have to take frequent seated breaks.

Nevertheless, I helped replace our living room floor & (most recently) we built an indoor “treehouse” for our daughter. These have been, without a doubt, the happiest moments for my wife & I in five years. Almost as if the shared effort, the bare fact of cooperating, was a catalyst for enjoyment itself. Of course, as with any renovation project, there were frustrating moments, but I can barely remember them, diminished as they were by the glow of my wife’s smile (I married her for that, the most dazzling smile in the world).

It’s true that the last time my wife & I discussed what we wanted (out of life, out of our relationship, whether we even have a relationship), she indicated that she didn’t know where we stand: I have made life very difficult for her. By way of my selfishness, her dreams have had to take a backseat. I have been unable to work full time at any job I have held over the last few years for longer than a few months. This has remarkably frustrated her financial goals, &, perhaps more important, has eroded her sense of security. I am forever (excuse the hyperbole) something of a question mark.

Add to the above description frequent, intense anger & resentment, you could absolutely express your surprise that she is still with me. Sometimes I can’t believe it. In fact, she says that the fact that she “doesn’t know” where we stand is a good thing for our future; she says it should be easy for her to leave me behind, & not look back after the difficulties I’ve brought to her life.

So to reduce the tension I’ve created by excusing my behaviors by way of my victimhood, I have (at long last) sought counseling. Almost instantly, I began to reflect on the real cost of my behavior, begin to see the things that I was doing that harmed our relationship, that was, in point of fact, me treating my family as objects. Their needs were second to mine, only in a sort of reductive, barely human fashion. My life was still front & center.

Only it can’t be if I want to continue to have a relationship with my girls, for what kind of relationship does a subject have to objects? Either maker or owner (not to get too, too deep into that particular issue [see Hegel’s master/slave story]). But I am neither to my family, & don’t want to be. So how do we learn to put others first?

I can only attest to the benefits of this cooperation & reflection; through these processes there is a real realization that the other, too, is a subject, one we can happily, kindly, lovingly interact with. Moreover, the Other becomes a partner, complicit in your existence, helping to reveal you yourself as a self-conscious being. Perhaps there are more ways to unearth this, realize this, but this is certainly a good place to start.