Summary

The author reflects on personal struggles with unhealed traumas, wrong beliefs, and depression, among other issues, and expresses a desire to address and overcome these shadows in their life.

Abstract

The article is a personal reflection by the author on the various shadows cast over their life, including unhealed traumas, depression, unrequited affection, lack of self-confidence, confusion about life goals, isolation, loneliness, and sleep issues. The author acknowledges the impact of these challenges, particularly in the context of the Covid-19 pandemic, and how they have contributed to a sense of failure and self-doubt. The piece is an introspective journey into the author's personal struggles, with an undertone of hope for healing and finding solutions to emerge from these shadows.

Opinions

The author feels that their depression and daily conflicts with their mother are interconnected and contribute to their sense of failure.
They question whether their affection for someone who did not reciprocate their feelings was misguided due to their own issues.
The author believes that feeling betrayed in various forms of love has significantly undermined their self-confidence.
They express confusion about their life's direction, exacerbated by the changes brought about by the Covid-19 pandemic.
The author identifies as a social being who has felt lonely and misunderstood, leading to a self-imposed isolation that has intensified during lockdowns.
They have struggled with insomnia since a young age, which they attribute to their lack of confidence and feelings of guilt.
Despite the somber tone, the author is optimistic about finding ways to deal with their difficulties and plans to share solutions in a follow-up piece.

Unhealed Shadow Leads to Another

Analyzing the Shadows of My Life

“I’ve been watching

I’ve been waiting

In the shadows for my time

I’ve been searching

I’ve been living

For tomorrows all my life”

(The Rasmus — In the Shadows)

This week’s prompt gifted by our dear friend Diana C. made me think a lot, so I decided to write something about my personal shadows. I acknowledge that they exist and then, little by little will try to heal and leave them behind.

After some solid thinking, I wrote down a list of the big shadows on my life right now.

Unhealed traumas, wrong beliefs, and depression
“Chasing” the wrong person
Lack of self-confidence
Confusion about what I truly want
Isolation and loneliness
Covid-19
Sleep issues

Unhealed traumas, wrong beliefs, and depression

In the past years, I lived in the shadow. I was not happy or serene. I don’t even know what that is, anymore. Sometimes I feel like I almost don’t exist, especially since the Covid began.

In part, it’s because of my mother’s depression. Because of my own depression and frustrations. We have rough episodes of fighting, almost every day.

One of my main goals was to do something for my mother, as she had a very tough life. The feeling of failure was almost too much to endure.

Fighting every day, disagreeing about everything and other problems lead to depression.

I still don’t know if I’m a horrible person or not, but I’ve been somehow treated like that almost every day, in the last 10 years. And not only. And it’s nobody’s fault, I guess… maybe it is only my fault.

“Chasing” the wrong person

I still wonder if he truly was “the wrong person” or if it’s all about my own depression and unhealed little traumas.

I feel like I was somehow “chasing” the wrong person. Someone who cared about me, but wasn’t in love with me. I don’t know if I am wrong, but I feel like he never valued me as a person and woman.

Was he right? Was I doing it all wrong? Was I chasing him when he didn’t want me? I can’t help from thinking that maybe he had a point, so, for a very long time, I just tried to keep my mouth shut, and not express any desires or opinions. I was literally afraid to express any personal opinion, not to make him angry and shout at me.

I had such little faith in myself that I sort of let him do almost anything to me. I was almost like a doll without opinions and personality.

I will never understand why he was so aggressive with me. If I expressed opinions and desires, he would say I’m wrong. If I was an obeying doll, he still didn’t like it. It was never right.

Lack of Self-Confidence

In my case, it was due to many things, especially feeling betrayed in love — family love, companion love, friends love, and so on. Or maybe, I am the one who betrays everybody. I still don’t know. Not feeling appreciated kills my confidence. I believe that I can achieve things, but I don’t believe that I am a valid person.

I also feel extremely ungrateful and spoiled, as I know that I also receive so much, all my life.

Confusion About What I Truly Want / Covid -19

At this point in my life, especially since the Covid appeared, I am truly scared and confused about what it is that I truly want in life.

So many things seem to change. It’s becoming difficult to meet people, to do family projects and so on.

Or is it only me? Do you think differently?

Isolation and Loneliness

I am a social “animal”, as I believe many of us are. Actually, I believe in balance in everything. Too much of social life can harm. Also, too little.

In the past 3 years, I was mostly a lonely person. I felt judged and misunderstood most of the time, so I sought some form of loneliness/being among people without really being there for/with them.

In the lockdown, loneliness and despair were at maximum intensity. All that loneliness transforms into bad thoughts, depression, and so on.

But, these days, there’s not much that we can do about it, isn’t it, except for socializing through the internet, camera, and phone.

Sleep issues

I have insomnia since I was 16 years old. Even though I tried everything there is to try, I still struggle when it comes to go to bed and sleep instantly.

My lack of confidence, fears, and sense of guilt gives me a hard time.

Final Thought

I hope I haven’t depressed you too much with the shadows of my life. You probably all know what I’m talking about. We are all humans and confront with more or less the same difficulties. I’m guessing.

I will do a follow-up and write about solutions to get out of the shadows. How to deal with depression, bad days, and negative issues.

Thank you for reading. Stay safe!

Photo by Ester Marie Doysabas on Unsplash

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