Understanding Narcissistic Abuse from a “Non-Victim” Perspective
A Twisted Representation of a Twisted Act.
Without prejudice
It can hit like a random hailstorm in the middle of a sunny, lazy afternoon. Or, in my case, in the midst of a power nap, with kids safely (one hopes, amidst the pandemic!) packed off to school. Then, just as REM is about to arrive…there it is, boom! A jerk back to reality. A random thought hits, and I’m jolted from a state of calm relaxation into a heightened state of alert, focused on this one random thought or memory, leading to a thousand others within seconds.
It could be something that I’ve been mulling over in the back of my mind, or something completely out of the blue. I’ve no idea from where, or why the thought is coming to me like this. But all of a sudden, it consumes my entire brain and everything else is pushed aside. Direction and priorities completely discarded to make room for it.
On this occasion, it’s a childhood memory - Scooby Doo, a fictional cartoon character I loved when television was a luxury, before “pause” and “record” had even reached the psyche. The villain is being unmasked by the Mystery Inc. heroes, while he unabashedly reveals his dastardly plan, which they have just foiled…And justice was always served, once that mask was removed.
Not always so in real life. Even if the mask is finally removed and the dastardly plan is explicitly revealed.
For anyone who may have read anything else I’ve written, be it poems or articles, the main underlying force behind most of my ramblings is recovery from abuse, namely narcissistic abuse.
It may seem a little obsessive to many outside observers, that those who have survived abuse of this nature continually speak about their experiences, honing in on the finer details, wider rationalization or psychological evaluation of what happened to them. It may seem like we relish the victim mentality, since most of the writings from certain authors I follow, as well as my own, tend to focus on our feelings and negative experiences both during and post-abuse. It might even appear a little self-indulgent, or, (dare I say the dreaded word?) “narcissistic” in itself. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The truth is, we are traumatized. We need to warn others of the danger. We have been catapulted into a reality that we never believed existed, or at least fought against believing for a long time, some of us over decades. Our perpetrators wore a mask for a long time before we realized what lurked underneath.
The best way I can explain it to someone unfamiliar with narcissistic abuse is if you can imagine you are in your home doing something relatively mundane, something you don’t have to give too much thought to, like cooking a basic meal, washing up, brushing your teeth…something that is part of your daily routine or reality. You may be making simple plans for the evening or the weekend ahead, when in that instance, you are suddenly dragged from your reality and sucked up into an alien spacecraft. You grapple to make sense of it all, as you find yourself strapped to a table, in a clinical setting; probing wires are being placed on your head and your chest by an unrecognizable being that isn’t part of the human world.
Imagine the shock, the horror, the terror you would feel, your mind grappling with so many thoughts; your whole sense of reality being brought into question because of this experience. Now imagine that the alien creature suddenly transforms into someone you are close to, that you trust. They tell you it’s okay, no need to fight it, that it will be all over soon. You feel a little less panicked, perhaps, although even more confused. Then they begin to cut you open…
Only some will live to tell the tale, if and when they awaken and find themselves back in their “normal” setting again, dishcloth or toothbrush in hand. Possibly minus the physical scars, which may not be visible, but certainly very shaken and confused. Changed forever.
Survivors of narcissistic abuse have come from a place of denial or diminishment, and reach a point where they can no longer accept that the abuse isn’t real or threatening. The “Eureka" moment can be different for everyone, but it’s the final straw that forces victims to face the reality of what’s happening to them. Like suddenly finding themselves strapped to that experimental table. They have no choice but to accept the fact that it’s a bad situation to be in and it doesn’t bode well.
Our boundaries have not only been pushed for so long, but have been crushed, trampled on, then tossed back in our faces. We accept so many things that most would find unacceptable and have believed what we were told by our perpetrators, because we have been conditioned over time to do so, or suffer the consequences. Not unlike brainwashing. But in a subtle, gradual way, so we don’t realize what’s happening, until the danger is no longer deniable. Our new reality is that, not only do we now understand that we’ve been completely violated, but that the person inflicting the abuse was someone we loved and trusted. And it takes so much courage and a shift in the mindset when coming from a place of obedience to finally rebel and shout “NO!”, remove those probing wires and run like mad for help.
And it was no accident we ended up on that operating table. We were an unwitting party to a suddenly lucid plot. It’s earth-shattering when you reach the place of acceptance that what you thought was your life, was actually a complete farce. Try explaining to people why you have gone from being (superficially at least) happy in a relationship to now cowering in fear and seeking to escape your spouse, or parent, or the one who has now become this alien creature, your tormentor. All the while, your tormentor, having since transformed back into human form, has been acting all charming as usual, but has also been bringing attention to family, friends and anyone who listens that you are acting a bit strange, they are “worried” about you, you seem a little unhinged.
While you sit at home, afraid, confused, trying to figure out if you imagined it all. Wondering if it will happen again, a horrible sense of foreboding in your belly. Yet no tangible evidence to show that any of it was real. Coming to the realization that you were simply supplying a need. You were an experimental guinea-pig. And now, you could be in more danger by confronting your “alien” or exposing the truth…