Understanding Men: A Complete Guide For Women

We are but simple creatures.

Alright…here we go! This article springs from a variety of conversations I’ve had lately with female clients who’ve said things like: “See, women just don’t know this stuff about men!”

So, here, we’re going to dive into some of the things that make men, well…men.

Here’s the thing:

Some of this, women won’t like.

Some of it, women won’t be able to relate to.

Some of it, men will probably refuse to admit.

Some of it, women will comment and say: “That goes for women, too!” (Yes, we already know that, but this article is about men).

Some of it, they’ll wish I hadn’t said out loud.

But…that’s what I do. I say the silent things out loud.

I’ve spent more than a decade [trying to] help men understand women through endless articles (like this recent one here), speaking, and private coaching.

Now, let’s dive into some points that will [hopefully] bring you some clarity around why men are the way they are.

In no particular order…

1: Men need to feel useful.

“Useful…like a tool?”

Well…sort of.

Men take pride in doing things this is why the immediate instinct when a woman expresses a challenge or problem, is to jump into finding a solution, even if she just wants him to sit there and listen.

He wants to fix things — like the broken cabinet. He wants to open that jar that he (maybe on purpose) closed way too tightly. He wants to tinker around inside of your engine bay when the car overheats even if he has no idea what he’s looking at.

Why? Because it makes him feel valuable.

His value is largely perceived through his level of usefulness.

How much value can he bring to your life?

This, understandably, has become more of a challenge for men in recent years as women have (let me be clear — to their credit — as a positive thing) risen socially and begun outpacing men in many areas of society such as higher education, earnings, and career trajectory.

While this shows societal progress, it can often leave men feeling confused about their place in relationships.

If a woman doesn’t “need” him to do anything for her…then…where is he to be of use? Where can he bring value? Where can he step in and fill a gap, if there isn’t one?

Much of this, of course, is simply due to perception from the man as all of us have our own wants, needs, and desires in a relationship that only a partner can fill — no matter how much money we make or how successful we become.

Yet, because of his need to “be of use,” he will seek out opportunities that appear to maximize his ability to do so.

For the record — I am not saying you should pretend to be a damsel in distress and be a helpless maiden who needs him to swoop in and save her…that’s not who you are, and it’s not what he’s looking for.

What I am saying, is that men welcome opportunities to bring value, because he directly ties his own value to what he’s provided you with.

2: Men need to feel respected.

“James! Are you saying that women should bow down and respect men like they did centuries ago?!”

Uh, no. I’m not.

Respect, in all types of relationships, must be mutual and equal.

Much of this is tied together — you see, if a man cannot provide value (see point #1), then he won’t feel as though he’s bringing anything to the table, which makes him feel less capable (I’ll get into that soon), which makes him fee like you don’t respect him.

The result: He pulls back, or goes silent, or turns inward, or looks elsewhere for respect.

I don’t necessarily mean elsewhere from another woman, but elsewhere meaning: Work, friends, hobbies, pursuits of passion where he is good at something and thus respected for it.

Men gravitate towards people and places where they feel they’re respected, and away from those they don’t.

Just like women do.

3: Men feel connection through physical touch.

“James! I knew it! Men just want sex!”

Listen — sex is great — but, it has never been, nor will it ever be, a foundation for a healthy relationship.

Of course men want sex, and…ahem…so do women.

It’s part of the expression of emotional intimacy and connection between two people.

This point, however, is about physical touch.

Holding your hand, hugging you, cuddling on the couch, putting his arm around you, you locking arms with him walking down the street, putting your hand on his leg as he drives.

The small, seemingly “casual” moments where two people just…connect.

Any two random people can have sex if the circumstances are right — but not any two people will be physically affectionate with each other in ways that express love, adoration, and caring.

And, since men are physical creatures, they receive love in this way.

If there’s no physical touch, then you feel more like “just a friend” than a romantic partner — which stands to reason.

Here’s the kicker:

(I’m speaking in generalizations here, where it’s obvious that there’ll be exceptions)

While women need emotional connection in order to desire physical intimacy, men build that emotional connection through physical intimacy.

In other words, we’re on two different roads that converge in the same place.

This is why mutual communication is so important: We need to find ways to help both people in a relationship feel safe and secure in what they crave from each other.

4: Men need direct communication.

“Why can’t he just…read the signs?”

lol.

I just got off of a call with a new client who’s highly successful in sales.

He said to me: “My job is to go do things. Tell me what to do and I’ll go do it.”

I think that this illustrates the subconscious desires of many men out there.

Just…tell me.

Tell me what you want.

Tell me what to do.

Tell me what would make you happy.

Tell me how to please you (wink wink).

And…I’ll go do it.

“James, I shouldn’t have to train a man like a pet!”

No, you shouldn’t — but, it’s up to both people in a relationship to communicate their own needs, wants, and desires to their partner — and we must do it in ways that our partner can understand.

For men, the way is very simple: A direct one.

5: Men thrive (and do more) when you appreciate them.

“James, we ALL want to feel appreciated.”

Yes, yes…remember when I said that some of these points would be gender-neutral, but that this particular article is about men?

Let’s look back at, say…point #1.

Men want to feel useful, great!

They don’t however, want to feel used.

There is a big difference between useful and used.

Gratitude is the fuel that keeps the tank of effort full.

When a man does something for you and you express your appreciation to him, he’ll want to do more.

He feels valuable (ahem, point #1 again).

He feels like what he’s doing is making an impact and improving your life, and since he thrives off of that knowledge, he’ll want to do even more of it.

More appreciation = more willingness to put in the work.

The inverse, of course, is also true.

The less he feels valued or *ahem, again* respected, the less willing he’ll be to step up to the plate.

As the old saying goes — when the crowd stops laughing, the clown stops performing.

Kindness should never be an act, of course — and it should never be done for the sake of a reward. That, after all, is not genuine kindness.

However, we should all strive to show gratitude to someone who does something kind for us, and this is never more true than within the context of an intimate relationship.

6: Men need you to be a safe harbor in the storm.

“Men are supposed to be strong.”

Listen, I need to make a very clear disclaimer before I get into this point.

Hear me on this: This point, or any other points, are ever supposed to diminish, ignore, or minimize the struggles of women. Women have faced unimaginable discrimination, roadblocks, and unfair treatment since, well, the dawn of women. Saying that men have mental and emotional struggles too, in no way minimizes that.

Now, I’ll run through this point since we’re on the same page:

Men face their own documented societal pressures and struggles. Loneliness, financial pressures, (especially for those of us who support a family), feelings of unworthiness, not being good enough…

And, when being thrashed around the storm of life, he looks to you for safe harbor.

He fights an internal battle all day long, and the last thing he wants when he gets home is even more fighting.

He feels insecure and like he’s not doing enough most of the time, so the last thing he needs is to feel even more inadequate.

Does this mean you should coddle him or tiptoe around his emotions? No, obviously not.

It does mean, however, that you two are supposed to be teammates, backing up and supporting each other — both when times are good, and (especially) when they’re bad.

“For richer or for poorer,” right?

Go back to point #5: The same stands true if you replace “appreciate” with “emotionally support.”

7: He needs to feel safe opening up to you without judgment.

“I don’t want to date a crybaby.”

Expounding on the previous point, men are conditioned from a very young age to believe that their emotions are signs of weakness, and expressing these emotions is a surefire way to appear vulnerable and, well…weak.

Obviously, we know this is not the case.

This message, however, remains deeply ingrained in many men which causes them to suppress their feelings or insecurities for fear of judgment.

Especially to a romantic partner, because he wants you to see him as strong, capable (I’ll get there next), and as your rock when you need him.

How could he be your rock, if you have to be his?

Well, support is mutual in a relationship.

We need each other at different times, for different reasons.

And he’ll be a lot more likely to be there for you, if he knows you’re also there for him (without secretly or overtly judging him for his feelings, like he thinks the rest of the world does).

8: Men want to be seen as capable.

“Yeah, he’s capable of being a pain in the ass.”

This ties in with being useful.

You won’t ask him to do something to help, if you don’t think he’s capable of helping.

And, hey, if he doesn’t have the skill…that’s on him.

This isn’t your issue to fix, it’s his own.

He should read more books. He should learn more skills. He should hire a world-renowned life coach. (wink wink).

The point is this: If he wants to be seen as capable, it’s up to him to become capable.

I’m a bit of a James Bond fanatic (if the tuxedos didn’t give it away), and one of the reasons why Bond is a beacon for many men (minus the womanizing and alcoholism and unhealthy sense of self-worth) is that he’s highly capable.

If you put him in any room, in any situation, he can figure out a way out of it…or, into it.

He can just do, well, everything.

That’s what makes him cool. It’s what draws other men to him as a (forgive the term) bit of an “idol.”

What do you do with capable men? You trust them, and…

9: Men want the opportunity to be trusted.

“Trust is earned, not given.”

That’s right — men (and women) need to step up to the plate and earn trust. Then, we all must maintain it over time.

This is what breaks down many relationships in the long run, a slow but steady erosion of trust.

Less effort, less gratitude, more broken promises, more inconsistency…

Nobody is saying anyone should be handed trust on a silver platter without putting in the work to earn it — just the opposite, actually.

Some women (men are guilty of this too, of course) approach new people or relationships with such a jaded or cynical mindset that the opportunity to earn trust doesn’t even exist.

It’s smashed to bits before it even has a chance.

Now, don’t get me wrong — much of that jadedness is well-justified.

You’ve been cheated on, disrespected, lied to…and maybe even worse.

I get it.

You should never blindly trust anyone, and you should never put yourself in an uncomfortable situation.

Nobody should.

If, however, we are seeking to open ourselves up to a relationship, or get to know someone new, or explore what’s out there for us — then giving someone the opportunity to earn your trust is part of the deal.

It’s a risk, of course — love is always a risk for all of us.

As we know, though…no risk, no reward.

10: [Most] men are never taught how any of this works.

“Boys will be boys…until someone teaches them to be more.”

I consider myself immensely fortunate to have grown up around healthy male role models and to be raised by a man of honor and integrity. My dad has taught me how to be a good man, and he still leads by example every single day in his life and his marriage with my mother.

I recognize, however, that many men haven’t had the same advantage.

That’s one of the reasons I started writing in the first place, to bring some of that knowledge to the public forum.

I’ve actually had many male private clients over the years express that having me as their coach is one of the only “healthy male relationships” in their life.

Listen, I understand it’s frustrating when a man doesn’t know how to communicate, or when he says the wrong thing, or when he doesn’t show up in the right way, or when he doesn’t understand you.

It’s frustrating for you, and for him.

And — don’t get me wrong — lack of knowledge is not an excuse.

He’s a grown man who should seek out the things he hasn’t learned and put in the work to improve.

Many times, though, you don’t know what you don’t know, and he may not even know where to start.

It’s like getting frustrated with a toddler for not knowing the alphabet when they haven’t been taught it yet.

It’s not an excuse, but it’s still reality.

11: Men would love to get more compliments.

“lol, James — what?!”

Hear me out — men hardly ever receive compliments.

Guys — tell me if I’m right or wrong in the comments.

Most men are pursuing women, or complimenting them, or telling their wife or girlfriend how beautiful they look. (I’m not talking about the creepy guys or catcallers, that’s a whole other article).

Rarely are men receiving regular compliments from others in their life.

Positive reinforcement.

Support.

Acknowledgment.

*Ahem* — appreciation.

This is why saying one nice thing to a guy can hold him over for, like, a month.

12: Most men tie their value to their level of success.

“Success doesn’t make the man.”

There’s (thankfully) a big movement around body positivity in order to encourage women to feel more comfortable and confident in themselves after a lifetime of being fed images of “perfect” bodies that are, more often than not, photoshopped and unrealistic.

If you translated this to men’s insecurities based on social comparison, it’d be monetary.

Success.

Wealth.

Financial freedom.

Many (most…) men compare themselves to others in this area, which we all know is a losing battle…but we do it anyway.

There’ll always be a bigger dog in the yard.

Always a faster car.

Always a more palacious house.

Always a fatter wallet.

“James, do men ever outgrow these childish thought processes?”

I mean, sometimes, but not usually.

Here’s the thing, though:

The love, support, respect, and commitment of a good woman who loves him can bring a man immeasurable peace. He’ll put less pressure on chasing the external (like this final point) because he’ll be more internally fulfilled.

He’ll feel more worthy and more valuable because he knows you appreciate him for not just what he does…but also for who he is.

He’ll focus even more of his attention, love, and energy on your relationship and family when he knows that all of the work he does and sacrifices he makes for you are seen and acknowledged.

We’ve established this many times already in this article but I’ll say it one more time to come in for a landing:

This all needs to go both ways. The respect. The love. The appreciation. The gratitude. The affection.

It needs to be mutual.

It needs healthy space to grow.

It needs you both to put in the work.

Sometimes, one of you will need to step up to the plate first and show that you’re willing to open the door, so the other can walk through it.

Other times, those roles will be reversed.

That’s what makes a team, though…working together towards a common goal.

Love, happiness, fulfillment, and joy.

That’s all any of us really need.

• My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them. Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together.
• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
• Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
• James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.