Understanding Forgiveness

What forgiveness is and what it is not

Everyone agrees that forgiveness is a virtue and a fundamental way of life. However, sometimes we do not embrace forgiveness simply because there are glaring misconceptions about it that have made it near impossible for the victims to be free. Therefore, let us delve into it and define what it is and what it is not.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines forgiveness as,

a. to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)

b. to give up resentment of or claim to requital

c. to grant relief from payment of forgive a debt

The first definition deals with resentment, therefore we can say:-

Forgiveness is letting go of resentment

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” Mark Twain

Letting go of resentment is a great sign of forgiveness. The complexity of this sometimes depends on the magnitude of the offense, for example, if someone stepped on your foot by mistake, it would be odd carrying that resentment for a whole week. Unlike, if someone defrauded you of your life savings with no hope of recovery, then that would definitely be a different scenario. The healing process is not the same, as resentment may stay longer in the latter case. Letting go of resentment is beneficial to your mind and body, and this is integral to the healing process.

According to Karen Swartz, M.D., director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at The Johns Hopkins Hospital, studies show that chronic anger puts an individual into a mode of “fight-or-flight”, resulting in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure, and the immune system. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.

Forgiveness is freedom

“Let no man pull you low enough to hate him.” — Martin Luther King, Jr.

Letting go of those negative thoughts, feelings and motivations brings about freedom. A story is told of a man once scorned by his lover, who decided to buy a sports car and drive it slowly past her house every day just to show her how well he had done for himself. Only later to find out she had moved out of that house years ago. He had wasted so much time trying to prove himself to her and yet she did not even know it! Releasing someone is taking back your power.

Holding on to something or someone may at first give the illusion of power, but nothing could be further from the truth. The problem with this kind of thinking is that the power actually lies with the other person. For as long as they do not admit they are wrong, the offended person remains tied to them. In the case they never apologize, one is tied to them for good. Even in different cities, they still come along with you. Clearly, one cannot go very far this way. Freedom from negative thoughts brings healing to the body, heart, and mind.

Forgiveness takes account of the wrong committed

“Forgiveness isn’t approving what happened. It’s choosing to rise above it.” Robin Sharma

Forgiveness, at times, is misconstrued as minimizing the wrong committed. This is equivalent to sticking ones’ head in the sand and further exacerbating the hurt someone feels by the offense. I believe many offenders want their victims to act like everything they experienced was not important and guilt them for not forgiving fast enough. The truth is that this is the victim’s prerogative. They forgive when they want to forgive. The offender cannot demand the way the other party forgives and how much time it takes them. They are allowed to take as long as it takes to fully come to terms with what happened and to truly forgive. The problem of rushing this process is that it may convince others everything is well, but inside, there is no forgiveness at all.

Forgiveness is unilateral

Forgiveness does not require the other person to apologize or admit they did wrong. That is reconciliation. Reconciliation is when both parties accept accountability for what happened and chose to move past it with a resolution to do better. However, since we know this is not always possible, forgiveness can still be offered without reconciliation.

Forgiveness is a process

“Forgiveness is a process. A choice you make over and over, every day until you’re free of hurt.” — Anonymous

It truly is a journey and not just a destination. One has to evaluate what has happened to them, grieve for the loss they have endured, and then embark on the healing process. This process varies from person to person. The most important thing is just to begin the journey and be open to it as soon as possible. Once you have forgiven someone, you allow the healing process to start. Although healing is usually not a day’s affair, on the flip side, it would be unfortunate that 10 years later one is still talking about the incident as if it occurred yesterday. Given there may be a bit of vestiges of the harm left, one cannot allow this to become the story of their life.

Forgiveness is for yourself

“It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive. Forgive everybody.” — Maya Angelou

It may seem that forgiving someone is doing them a favor, maybe so, but it is ultimately always for you. You get to be healthier, both physically and spiritually. Bitterness gets old real quick and as much as people will first empathize with you, they will get tired and move on quickly.

What forgiveness is not

Forgiveness is not absolving people from crimes they committed

Forgiveness has to remain within the stipulations of the laws of the land. This means that if a crime has been committed, the victim cannot tell the courts not to prosecute the offender because they have forgiven them. The law has to be upheld even if the victims’ requests are to be considered. This is to ensure that the offender does not get an easy way out to continue with their crimes. Just because one has had a change of heart does not mean the offender has changed. You could release them and they harm other people. Laws of the land are upheld to protect people from future crimes. On a personal level, boundaries need to be established and enforced so that the offender does not continue to harm the other person

Forgiveness is not reconciliation

This is mostly applicable in relationships. If the relationship is toxic, then forgiveness does not mean blindly walking into a minefield. It is creating boundaries safe spaces to avoid further aggravation. The thing is, once you are aware of the other person, you can take the right steps not to be victimized one more time.

Forgiveness is not minimizing the offense

I believe this is the worst misconception because all it serves is to further victimize the victim. Minimizing the offense is a classic example of gaslighting and this delays the victim from healing because they can no longer tell what is right or wrong. Normally, the offender or his allies are probably the ones who ensure this happens. For instance, in the case of sexual assault, a number of victims have been asked what they were wearing. This is a strategy to push blame on the victim and sadly, it works as the victim may choose to remain silent. The fact is no matter what he or she was wearing, it does not negate the crime. Minimizing the offense impedes healing.

The benefits of forgiveness are well documented but I believe it is important to fully understand what forgiveness is and what it’s not so that it can be fully embraced.