Understand the Truth About Loneliness

The romantic allure and misconceptions

“Loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself.” ― Rupi Kaur

Everyone has felt lonely at some point, and perhaps you are feeling lonely right now (I hope my words are good company). Yet, most people don’t even recognize their loneliness. They think their loneliness is an unfair result of being unloved, misunderstood, or different. And maybe they are — misunderstood and different, but so is the truth about loneliness.

The truth is this: loneliness is not something that happens to you because of other people’s perception of you but rather a self-constructed mille-feuille of negative beliefs you hold about yourself.

Loneliness is self-sustained

It is not uncommon for people who think very low of themselves to feel lonely. If you always believe you are the victim, in every scenario, you are fighting a mental battle with yourself.

If you worry about what people think of you, say behind your back, or what their facial expressions mean as they greet or react to you, loneliness will be your only friend.

But perhaps there are other reasons you want to feel lonely…

The romantic allure of loneliness

I used to think loneliness was wholesome and admirable. You know, the allure of being a solitary genius, finding inspiration and enlightenment in your own isolation. I thought of the renowned figures of our past who had a reputation for their solitude, immersed in their thoughts, art, and discoveries; from philosophers to scientists, painters, and writers.

These legends survived loneliness, and I wholeheartedly admire them for it.

But do we have to feel lonely to become significant? The idea that only loneliness could be a catalyst for creativity, deep introspection, and profound insights that make you different and special is a little flawed.

Greatness doesn’t have to be lonely

Greatness is one thing, and loneliness is another. The two don’t need to marry each other. It is not true that you must sacrifice or compromise your deepest relationships and waste your years trying to be significant, accepting loneliness as a byproduct.

You can thrive in business and be a good husband. You can have many friends and be a best-selling author. You can be a philosopher, scientist, archeologist, doctor, mother, or businesswoman, and live a life free from loneliness. You don’t have to become a social butterfly, but neither do you have to wallow in the melancholy of your greatness.

You can do both, all of it, and then some. But to do that, you must approach your loneliness and understand it. Loneliness is so loud, it wants to be heard.

The Antidote

1. Resist protecting yourself from loneliness

Whatever you do, don’t attempt to escape or protect yourself from loneliness. Resist the tension between your loneliness and desire for quick gratification.

If you shield yourself from the roots of your loneliness, you will only attract more loneliness. You will draw in relationships that you never needed, only to become an outlet for your people-pleasing tendencies. Because they saved your loneliness, you now feel responsible for maintaining their stay in your life.

You must understand that your loneliness carries a message, and the sooner you learn it, the sooner you will leave it behind, maybe even for good. Until a new wave of loneliness arrives, that is.

“The loneliness will run your entire life. You’ll marry the person who makes you feel less lonely, and you’ll think that’s natural and normal. But it’s exactly the same as the person who is avoiding the pain of the thorn instead of taking it out. You have not removed the root of loneliness. You have only protected yourself from feeling it.” — Michael A. Singer, The Untethered Soul

Aloneness doesn’t have to be lonely

Being alone without feeling lonely is one of the greatest feelings imaginable. As great as wrapping a fluffy duvet around your shoulders as you twist to your side, sinking into fresh sheets.

You can be alone and still feel held, loved, and supported. The secret is to seek deep connections that compensate for the lengths of time you spend alone.

2. Cultivate deep connections with people you love

Deep connections are the cure for loneliness. First, a deep connection with yourself; knowing yourself inside out, and treating yourself like a friend you respect and admire. Then, a deep connection with people you love and trust.

Ten hours with 100 people who don’t know you are worth nothing in the face of loneliness. But 10 minutes with someone who knows you and understands can transform your day and week.

“The truth is I didn’t need therapy; I just needed to feel loved and know that someone out there craved my attention.” ― Robert M Drake

Takeaways:

1. Loneliness is a self-constructed state of mind, not caused by others’ perceptions of you.
2. Being around people who don’t know you will not alleviate loneliness.
3. Loneliness is the result of feeling disconnected from yourself and the world.
4. Loneliness should not be romanticized as a necessary condition for greatness.
5. Deep connections with oneself and loved ones are the antidote to loneliness.

Isra A. is a passionate writer based in Bahrain, a little island in the Middle East.