Summary

Salma, a neurodivergent new Muslim, grapples with the personal and emotional implications of wearing a hijab, which conflicts with her identity and the empowerment she feels from her hair, Becky.

Abstract

The narrative "Uncover Me: Freeing Becky" delves into Salma's internal conflict as a recent convert to Islam, particularly focusing on her decision to wear the hijab. This decision, presented as a lifelong commitment and sacred covenant with Allah, has profoundly affected her self-image and sense of beauty, which she has always associated with her hair. Salma's relationship with her hair, Becky, is complex and symbolic, representing her strength and individuality. The act of covering her hair with a hijab feels like a suppression of her identity and the attributes that make her feel confident and beautiful. Despite her love for Islam and the joy it brings to her life, Salma struggles with the discomfort and unfamiliarity of her new appearance, which makes her feel unrecognizable to herself and less powerful than before. She questions whether this is the true intention of Allah for her life and seeks guidance through prayer and discussions with her husband.

Opinions

Salma initially felt panic and uncertainty about committing to the hijab, viewing it as a significant and irreversible decision.
She believes that wearing a hijab is a sacred covenant with Allah and fears the consequences of breaking it.
Salma respects her husband's wishes regarding modest dress but sees the decision to wear a hijab as her own choice.
Her hair, Becky, is a source of pride and empowerment, akin to Samson's strength in the Bible.
Salma feels that her hair is an essential part of her self-representation and that covering it with a hijab hides her story and individuality.
She takes issue with the attention her hijab draws in America, which she feels is contrary to the purpose of modest dress in Islam.
Salma's husband has expressed that Islam should be easy to practice and that difficulty may indicate incorrect practice.
Despite her struggles, Salma loves being a Muslim and credits Allah for the joy in her life, denying room for Shaytan (Satan).
She is actively seeking a resolution to her conflicted feelings about wearing the hijab through prayer and conversation with her husband.

Uncover Me: Freeing Becky

A tale about a girl, her hair and the hijab that stands between them.

Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy on Unsplash

When I first thought about draping a hijab over my head I felt sick and panicky. This was a huge decision that was for the rest of my life. Looking back on it I wasn’t really ready for the commitment. The way I see it, wearing a hijab everyday is a sacred covenant with Allah. And breaking that covenant? The consequences of which I shudder to even think about…

The Quran instructs us about a woman’s dressing habits saying that she should cover herself so as to not be sexually alluring to other men besides her husband. My husband has specifically asked me not to wear shorts or tank tops while out in public and I respect his wishes, but wearing a hijab? That was my own choice.

Being a brand new Muslim, I wanted to be the best Muslim I could be. I wanted to follow the laws of the Quran and immediately fit right in. In my typical, neurodivergent fashion, I rushed into my brand new life with full forced, blind enthusiasm. I only realized after I made the commitment to wear a covering, what wearing the hijab really entails.

The self-image that I have spent a lifetime carefully constructing is more fragile than I had thought. It has all but come crumbling down since I started wearing a hijab. I feel stripped of everything that makes me feel beautiful and confident. I had a small revelation about letting my inner beauty shine through and while that is all well and good, I still want to let my hair down, literally. My hair, whom we will call Becky, makes me feel so empowered. Much like Samson in the Bible, it is where my strength originates.

Since the day I was born Becky has been with me, prominently poised on my head. Becky has been the envy of many, garnering compliments from hairdressers to strangers alike. I have always felt a swell of pride when the tired women cutting my hair exclaims, “ You have enough hair for three people!”

Since I am lacking in traditional “good looks”, my hair is a compensation of sorts for me.

So, maybe I am not universally attractive, but look and my thick, wavy locks! See how my hair shines in the sunlight? Aren’t you jealous?

Cut to me with a jersey hijab wrapped around my head and neck suffocating my amazing tresses of all air and light. What did Becky do to deserve this? Was she tempting men behind my back? Making them go crazy with sexual desire that the only way to combat their advances was to smother her with fabric for all eternity?

Perhaps I have taken some dramatic license here, but this is the relationship I have with my hair. Becky and I are frenemies. Becky has a mind of her own. Becky hates to be curled, even though she is naturally wavy, consequently curls will rapidly fall out of her. Becky only likes to be combed not brushed otherwise I will be attempting to tame her into submission all day. Becky is heavy and long and is happiest when she falls directly in my face. She delights in obstructing my view while I am doing something precarious like tight rope walking…

Becky is voluminous, courtesy of my father, who had a full blown afro as a teenager. Becky looks amazing in a high ponytail and because she is thick, she takes immense pride in snapping weak hair ties that can’t handle all her amazingness.

I don’t think my experience with Becky is too dissimilar than those of other women. Our hair is our crown. We loving take great pains to keep it nourished and healthy. We take vitamins to supplement its growth, caress it with oils and lotions to give it the hydration it needs, and why? Why do we do this?

Because, our hair is a integral part of our self representation to the world.

Just as we carefully choose the clothes we wear or the make up we put on our hair aids in telling the story of who we are to those around us. As a Muslim woman, that story has been hidden with a hijab. Which only tells the story that I am a Muslim. While I have no shame in my religion, I want to feel like myself when I step outside the house. I am a proud Muslim woman, but I feel so weak and lost in the hijab. I don’t feel as powerful as I did when I was uncovered. Is this what Allah wanted for me?

The Haram police will say that Shaytan is in my thoughts and making me feel this way. To them I would say that I love being a Muslim. Allah has shown his awe-inspiring good works in my life many times in the short amount of time I have been a revert. I am blessed with an amazing husband and we are leading a life we love thanks to Allah. I give all credit to him for the joy we have. I enjoy living my life in a way that please Allah. Bismillah, there is no room for Shaytan in my life.

However, feeling like a fish out of water everyday of my life wasn’t exactly the peace I originally felt when I reverted. Here in America, my hijab draws attention to me in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable. To my understanding, this is the opposite of the purpose of wearing a covering.

My husband always tells me that Islam is supposed to be easy. If it feels hard then it is being practiced wrong.

Well this feels especially hard. Whether I am right or wrong, I feel it deep inside me. I don’t recognize myself in the mirror and I don’t feel like myself when I can’t let my hair down.

So where does that leave Becky and me? I admit that I have a lot of soul searching to do. I am praying over this and talking with my husband. I don’t know if this feeling I am having will change with time or if I Becky and I will ever again enjoy a day in the sun.

Salma is the Editor of MidWestern Muslim and writer for several publications on Medium. Please consider subscribing to show your support.