Unburdening the Past: The Power of Forgiveness and Self-Acceptance as We Age

Forgive to live with less emotional baggage

As we age, we come to realise that memories from the past have a way of resurfacing unexpectedly, often at the most inconvenient moments. These memories can keep us awake at night, weighing on our minds. It’s remarkable how things that seemed insignificant when we were young can gain significance as we grow older, replaying in our minds like a broken record.

Let me take you back to the year 2001, in the early part of the year. I was in the car with my ex as he was driving us home. We were approaching a roundabout near our residence in Malaysia, where we drive on the left side of the road. He decided to change lanes to join a shorter queue, signaling his intent. However, as we made the lane change, a sudden, thunderous collision occurred. An elderly man on a motorcycle was thrown onto the road.

Right before that that crucial moment, I had glanced at my side mirror and saw the elderly man on the motorcycle, at some distance away. Assured that he was far enough, my ex continued driving - the collision happened. However, we soon noticed another car stopping on the opposite side of the road. A passerby from a nearby truck quickly came to the aid of the injured man. Our car had a flat tire due to the impact, while the other car remained unscathed. The occupants of the other vehicle insisted they were not at fault, leaving us in uncertainty.

The injured man received medical attention, the other car departed, and we replaced our flat tire before heading home. My ex was quite upset because he was confident that he had signaled and changed lanes cautiously. The elderly man wasn’t speeding and could have possibly stopped or slowed down, yet the collision occurred. We suspected the other car may have grazed him, but to this day, we remain without a conclusive answer, and sadly, my ex is no longer with us.

The elderly man may have also passed away, and the woman in the other car, who was pregnant at the time, might have a college-aged child by now. Nevertheless, this incident remains etched in my memory as a traumatic experience, turning me into an exceedingly cautious driver.

We carry these emotional burdens with us as we progress linearly through life, with no way to rewrite our past experiences. So, the question arises: how do we shed these burdens, especially those memories that keep us awake at night?

In my experience, forgiveness, particularly self-forgiveness, is a potent remedy. Oftentimes, we are unreasonably harsh on ourselves, quick to accept apologies from strangers but reluctant to extend the same grace to ourselves. In some instances, we even resort to self-punishment, a futile endeavor.

To truly free ourselves, we must forgive wholeheartedly. We need to give ourselves a break and release the weight of our own expectations. There are several approaches to achieving this.

For instance, a friend of mine stands before a mirror, addressing her own reflection, reassuring herself that it’s okay to make mistakes, and there are no hard feelings. She shared that this practice significantly alleviated her anxiety-related health issues. Sometimes, we must explicitly grant ourselves permission to err because mistakes are an inherent part of life.

Another method I find effective is to place your right hand on your forehead and say ‘hum ksham,’ which translates to “I forgive.” This action is believed to connect with the third eye (agnya), associated with forgiveness, humility, and the removal of rigid conditioning within us. By doing this, we focus on the act of forgiving ourselves, our thoughts, and others.

There is another way to release ourselves from any feeling of guilt. To do that, we should acknowledge and accept them, rather than deny their existence. By establishing the truth, we can find it easier to let go and move forward. Hiding unpleasant experiences to protect our emotions inadvertently burdens us over time.

Lastly, we should promptly seek and grant forgiveness to others. It’s a weighty burden to carry missed opportunities for forgiveness to our graves. I recall the moment when my ex-husband passed away. At his bedside, I sought his forgiveness and forgave him for any past grievances over our 16 years together. The sense of relief that followed was unparalleled. I’m sure he experienced a similar relief. Seeking and granting forgiveness to others and ourselves lightens our emotional load as we age.

So, take a moment to reflect: how much emotional baggage can you afford to carry with you on your life’s journey?