Insecure in Your Masculinity? Don’t Worry, There’s Special Water For That

Finally, water and soap even men can use!

Hey bud, you doing okay? You feeling a little… insecure?

What’s that you say? Reusable bottles aren’t MANLY? You want to reduce your plastic usage, but in a way that won’t make your dick fall off?

Sounds like you need water so hardcore, you could drown a baby in it.

CAPITALISM TO THE RESCUE. Liquid Death will murder your thirst! There’s nothing we can’t gender. Water-drinking may be a necessity, but there are ways for you to do it WRONG, turns out.

And do you know what other water-using activity has been making you look like a total pansy?

Showering

Soap is for girls. Has been this whole time. If a woman smells even one hint of something flowery on you, she’ll instantly suspect you have a low sperm count.

It’s well-known that women want a man who reminds them of their father and smells of naval diplomacy. Get yourself a BIG ASS BRICK of soap that will remind the ladies who’s in charge.

Almond-scented? Irish Spring, whatever the hell that is? You smell effeminate, you flaccid crybaby.

There are only three smells suitable for men: beer, whiskey, and woodsy. We’re calling woodsy “cedar” for now, but that’s really pushing it. Sounds a little cream-puffy, if we’re being honest.

Are you still drinking out of a “glass” and using “whatever” kind of soap?

It’s okay, bud. Nobody actually gives a single shit.

You can totally drink out of a reusable bottle and neither women nor other men will notice it at all. We will not question your masculinity. We will not think any less of you.

In fact, it’s only when I see a man buying into these kinds of marketing schemes that I begin to suspect you’re trying to cover for something.

Forget about what is “manly.” Straight women don’t actually care about “manly,” not exactly. What we care about is confidence. You could drink pink raspberry cosmos and smell of Midnight Fantasy by Britney Spears — as long as you do it with total confidence, we’ll still be drawn to you.

Bullies target insecure people. When you feel you must drink “man” water and bathe with “man” soap, a bully radar gets tripped. In fact, I’m bullying you about it right now. You dickweed.

There is only one soap and water-related mistake you can make with the ladies: avoiding soap and water altogether.

Please don’t forget to bathe.