Two Weeks Alcohol-Free — I’m Not Feeling How I Expected To Feel

My reasons for going alcohol-free — my expectations and how I’m feeling so far

I recently made the decision to give up alcohol. For how long, I’m not sure. A year would be a great achievement, but I also know how my brain works and giving myself such strict goals will make me more likely to not achieve them.

I didn’t ever think I had a problem with alcohol, but I would drink a glass or two of wine most days. I would also drink to mask the severe anxiety I felt when going through alcohol withdrawal symptoms. Even after not having a drink for two days.

The feelings of low mood and anxiety that have become more common after drinking are what drove me to read more on the subject. The less I drink in general, the more I feel the effects of alcohol on my overall mental state. According to a few articles and books, I have a problem.

While drinking helps to immediately relieve anxiety, it makes it worse in the long run. Who would have known?

So in an effort to improve my health, decrease my anxiety levels, improve my mood and be sure that I’m not relying on alcohol in any shape or form, I’m giving it up for a while.

I’m writing about it to keep myself accountable. I’m also connecting with other people who have given it up, who can provide tips or simply words of encouragement.

My reasons for going alcohol-free

So far, I’m two weeks in. I’d guess that in the last twelve years, I’ve probably had around three or four occasions where I have not had a drink consecutively for two whole weeks.

Writing that down feels a bit disappointing.

When thinking about my reasons for drinking most days or weeks throughout my whole adult life to date, I could think of a few. When I was younger it was the social aspect. I was never one to miss out on a night out and drinking was always a part of that.

At university, I had a group of friends that valued drinking to get drunk as the main social activity. If I hadn’t taken part in that, I probably would have been left out of the group a lot more, and had a much lonelier experience — and probably had much less fun.

Working in bars fuelled the daily drinking culture and finding my first office job exasperated it further. The best way to make friends at a new job was to go out drinking with colleagues at every opportunity.

Now, into my late twenties — after the office culture has died down and I’m primarily working from home — I get severe anxiety at most social events, anywhere that is more crowded than a remote field and any place where I have to speak to someone or stand amongst other people.

I didn’t experience this throughout childhood — it crept up on me quite suddenly in my early twenties. Having a glass of wine relieves me of the crippling urge that I have to get out of there immediately. It allows me to stay in a room of more than ten people without feeling like I’m going to pass out.

While over the last year, I have made a conscious effort to cut down my drinking to two days a week, I now realise that when I do drink it’s because I need to. It’s when I need to feel relaxed enjoying a gig or simply loosen up so that I become more sociable rather than feeling hyper-alert.

It’s my inbuilt response to avoid being in the moment and enjoying what I’m doing. Looking around to see what other people in the audience are doing instead of watching a band kind of takes away a lot of the joy of being at a gig. Similarly, when my brain fogs over when I’m at a busy bar, I can’t be fully engaged in a conversation with my friends.

The fact that I need to is the reason I’m giving it up for a while. So I can find ways to get by without it and perhaps realise I don’t need to at all. That I can function fine without it.

Two weeks of being alcohol-free haven’t given me the happy, anxious-free feelings I expected

It’s January and I haven’t really been out. I haven’t been in any situations where I would usually drink so I don’t think I’ve been tested properly. There haven’t been any huge waves of anxiety since I stopped but my overall feeling is not that of well-being.

I felt anxious at the cinema and too anxious to go to work on my first designated office day this month. I still had days where my mood was so low that walking the dog was all I could muster up the energy to do. I couldn’t enjoy my free time, which made me feel a lot worse.

I don’t know whether avoiding socialising is making me feel worse, even though it’s allowing me an easy first few weeks into not drinking.

I’m worried about future events I have coming up where I would usually feel anxious until I’ve had a drink — they will probably be the real challenges.

On a positive note, I haven’t had a hangover. Instead, I get to own the smugness of knowing that I have achieved two weeks alcohol-free — and it hasn’t been too difficult. I’ve also restarted my running routine and can be confident that no Saturday night will hamper my training efforts for a whole weekend.

And that’s a great feeling.

Join Medium today to support other writers and me by purchasing a monthly membership and having unlimited access to articles. Use my referral link to join.