Two Ways Criticism Grows A Human Being

Letting relationship conflict make you a better human

Criticism in relationships is a no-no. I do not argue that point.

We’ve been taught to show temperance, patience, and care to our partners. No doubt, these are the qualities of a healthy relationship.

Yet, as we struggle to maintain who we are as individuals within the confines of a relationship, conflict happens and it can surface as criticism.

When you discover criticism in your life and your relationship, you have options. You always have options.

1. Criticism Can Push You to Grow

Let’s start at the beginning: just being in a relationship allows you to develop different characteristics and abilities to cope with the people around you.

This has always been true. Think about the family you grew up in. Every morning when your brother shoved his way to the bathroom ahead of you and locked you out, you developed skills to deal with it. You might have started by screaming, yelling, or tattling, but eventually, you learned to get up earlier or move faster or lock his bedroom door while you made a run for it.

Throughout our lifetimes we create our selves, our realities, and our destinies by responding to the environment around us. And partnered relationships are no exception. If there’s a relationship, it’s shaping who we are.

Bring it on

When there is criticism in a relationship, however, the verbal arguments and strategizing can make our brains develop a keen sense of monitoring. It’s as if we’re tracking the feelings and moods of our partners. We want to stay alert and be able to see when that stinger comes flying at us.

How is this a good thing?

Experiencing criticism allows us to learn how to tolerate inner tension and recognize the anxiety associated with it. It’s the same type of adaptation that allowed the human species to adapt throughout eons of struggle.

I am in no way suggesting that we endure criticism in our relationships in order to attain self-actualization. Rather, when we do experience criticism, it’s okay to step back and observe your reaction and your feelings. Recognizing the mounting tension inside yourself will allow you to consider the best approach, the next step.

Seeing personal criticism as an opportunity for you to respond in a way you never have, means that you are momentarily tolerating the inner tension of not feeling connected to your partner. But you know what? You’re okay. You’re fine regardless of the resulting anxiety you’re enduring.

In a sense, you’re holding on to yourself and being true to yourself in that moment of criticism. In holding on to yourself during this difficult time, you’re refusing to allow your relationship to become a battlefield. Instead, you are learning something crucial about yourself — you’re solid enough to stand firm in the face of this uncomfortable confrontation and you’re strong enough to respond from the place inside yourself where compassion resides.

How to think it through

Once you’ve found that solid ground inside, upon which you can stand and contemplate next steps, consider these questions as a place to start thinking things through.

Why did my partner say that? Not all criticism comes with the intent to hurt even though it may highlight mistakes or failures. Consider the amount of compassion it was delivered with and if the words matched the speaker’s emotion and tone. When we’re in the heat of it, it’s hard to hear the true message behind the words. If you can, give them the benefit of the doubt and don’t be afraid to ask straight up, “Why did you say that to me?” or “Why did you use those words?”

Where the words destructive or constructive? Constructive criticism is specific and on target, meant to help with specific aspects of performance or foster improvement. Destructive criticism is often flung with a vengeance and hurts the recipient. Once you separate which type of criticism is coming your way, you’re better able to handle it and to take away the parts that will allow you to grow as a person.

2. Criticism Can Bring You Closer as a Couple

Every time you interact as a couple, you and your partner are shaping your relationship and each other’s reality and personalities. That’s the way of relationships. Who you are is impacting who they are and vise versa. It’s the nature of the beast.

That’s why when criticism enters the picture, it needs to be dealt with.

When you’re in a relationship where there is criticism you have two choices. Be miserable or deal with it head-on.

Here’s what you must know: it’s always okay to confront a partner who is using abusive words, tones, or emotions. Whether it’s one time or multiple times, confronting is necessary. Don’t allow yourself to be miserable and live with constant abuse, regardless of its form.

Confronting criticism

When it comes to confronting, whether it’s criticism or something else, the way you approach the confrontation has the potential to make your relationship stronger or to leave it hallowed with holes. If you’ve allowed the sting of criticism to settle you into a better person as outlined above, then it will make this step a bit easier.

Start with yourself

If you want criticism to bring you closer as a couple (instead of destroying the relationship), it’s going to have to start with you. Not your partner.

Don’t look to them to be standing solidly on the side of bettering your relationship. They hurled the criticism at you and they are most likely pretty emotional and ready to prove their point with more layers of criticism. As long as you know where they are — emotionally and mentally — you can be strong in where you are: seeking a positive outcome.

Don’t bother blaming your partner for drawing battle lines and taking their own side. We’ve all done it. And we’ll do it again because we’re not perfect. We get defensive. We’re often self-absorbed. We are human.

Yet as you focus on understanding yourself, and not on what your partner is doing at the moment, it automatically reduces defensiveness and combativeness. Focusing on your emotions and next steps will encourage goodwill and growth in the relationship even if you can’t see it yet.

You’re not any better for being able to step back and flip open the release valve on your emotions. But what you may be able to do in this difficult moment is show both of you a better way to be as a couple.

Use compassion and understanding

The hardest thing to do in this moment will be to respond from a place that seeks to understand your partner rather than the place that wants to hurt your partner for hurting you. Yes, very hard.

There’s nothing wrong with conflict in a relationship. Where things go wrong is in handling the conflict. The defensive reactions and the escalating emotions often blind us to what matters most: our partners.

As you prepare to mount your flag of compassion, consider this:

— Avoid your personal agenda. This is not the time to move your point forward. When it comes to relationships, once the first awful word is flung, all bets are off for discussing the original issue until you are both back on track as a couple.

— Avoid resistance. The best way to support your relationship while decreasing friction is to focus on this moment. Don’t bring up the past. Don’t threaten the future. What happened just now? How are you feeling and how can you respond from the best place inside you, regardless of how your partner is acting?

— Understand where your partner is coming from. Are they angry? Are they scared of losing you? What do they want right now? You can ask. It’s always good to ask with a curiosity that comes from a place of genuine interest. Seek to know what’s in your partner’s heart and mind. For the sake of your relationship and your partner, explore understanding prior to reacting.

If there are enough caring statements and meaningful discussions in a relationship, it can be easier to discuss conflicts and deflect the criticism when it comes. Every couple is in a different place when it comes to avoiding brittle interactions and dealing with the criticism at hand. Just know that it will come and you can use it to become a version of you.

There will be adversarial qualities surrounding certain issues in any relationship. But if you’re able to hold on to your solid sense of self and approach the conflict from a place of compassion, you are likely to grow both yourself and your relationship in ways that will surprise you both.