Two Things That Make Relationships Easier
And creates a place of safety and respect.
I looked into her eyes and wanted to tell her how much I love her. But I felt stifled by my conscience. How could I say that after what I just did?
Certain things have never sat right with me; being found out, feeling like a fraud or feeling like a hypocrite. But it is not what you’re thinking. I have not lied, nor was I caught in a lie. I only almost broke up with her. Okay, maybe I shouldn't say only.
I have a low tolerance at this stage of my life. Though somehow, that may sound noble — a man who knows what he wants and doesn't tolerate nonsense. Hold on a sec. While that may seem mature and alpha, it still isn't always the right way to handle issues in a relationship. Intellectually I know this. Then why continue to act as a sweet asshole?
I got issues. I know. I need to learn to be patient sometimes.
‘Say what you wanna say, instead of being timorous’. she threw at me.
“I wanna say I love you”. “So?” ‘I feel like a fraud’ ‘Good. You should’. she said. Her gaze narrowed — as if trying to unravel if really what I say is true.
‘You scare me sometimes.’ I said, ‘I know.’
‘You really would just up and leave?’ she added rhetorically.’
I chose not to respond to that, even though she wasn't expecting a response. How do you tell someone you love them, yet you are willing to walk away?
“Only a fool does the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result” –unknown
A couple of years ago, if you have quoted me such a quote, let's just say it wouldn't have ended nicely. I am kidding. But it is not something I would think about — introspectively. I can say I have changed — I have grown. But I still have a lot of growing up to do. Each year I edge closer to becoming more of a man — ripe to have his own family. This consciousness has made me stayed woke. I figured, to have a better relationship, I must be better.
How do you build yourself a beautiful, happy and satisfying relationship with that lovely partner? A relationship where you do not consistently hurt their feelings?
Self Awareness
Every relationship I have been in, I have post-mortem -ed. Call me a perfectionist. I say I am a curious guy. Curious to see where I err. To never be ignorant of my flaws. Because I learned that, most of the things we suffer, is partly on us.
In retrospect, in every relationship from my past, I've been absolutely clueless about what relationship truly is. With my skew definition of love, I have met disappointment and heartache. What I have come to learn is:
- Blissful love is the result of work
- People are full of garbage, including me
- Everyone got a past they’re dealing with
- No one has a clue of what love truly means. That means you too.
- Most people really do not know what they want.
The post-mortem on my previous relationship gave me a very good idea of what to expect in my next. Not because potential partners are full of shits, but because I, myself, am full of crap. A whole load of crap. Is it my reticent tendencies? Or my quick feet to assume and paint things out of context? The recipe for a happy relationship seemed easy, as there are millions of book sermonizing various ideas to cultivate happiness in a union. Why then does our dream relationship elude us? For one simple reason — the secret to love and relationship is not what you know, but what you are.
We love, not by the knowledge in our head, but by the habits, we’ve accumulated over time. There is a need therefore for deliberate awareness of who we are. Our habits, character and lifestyle.
When I look at Jasmine, I know I didn't want to lose her. If for anything, I reacted awfully by trying to break up with her simply because I have used one wrong to encapsulate her entire personality. I have to learn that, one act doesn't define a person. And as human, she can not, not offend me. Just as i can not, not offend her. We must learn to work on ourselves, accepting the fact that, we may be just as damaged as they are.
Without Love, we don't stand a chance
It was love that made Jack exchanged his rickety raft with Kate. It was love that pushed Juliet to gulp the poison that saw her end. Remember Achilles? It was love that got him killed by a teenager. It always seemed love has never stood for anything good. I remember walking miles to go visit my crush, only to get there and feel so shy to say a word, while she is laughing and talking with a friend I asked to accompany me because I was too afraid to face her alone. It was all for love.
Easily we skew love, mistaking love as mere emotions felt. The naive young girl says she is in love because she feels butterfly in her stomach. Really? A five minutes conversation in a dimly lit night bar got you all pink in the face, and boom — you are in love? I hate to be the one to burst your bubble, but that ain't it. That is what I call the “pre-i-might-i-like-him” phase.
With the whole hide and seek and nude sketching, jack and rose played, it still wasn't enough to convince us that he was in love. Because from the time of Alexander the Great, we know that love is a verb. It isn't what you say, but what you do.
When jack couldn't stand kate dying in the cold, we knew he was gone — he was in love. How do you measure love?
By what you are willing to sacrifice!
Every now and then we would have an argument of the most stupid, bizarre and oftentimes, meaningless things. We argued about what can change a man? A woman maybe? Not just a woman — a woman he loves. A woman he has really lost himself over. It is not her per se, but what he believes she represents for him.
It is love that drives men to do the craziest of things. When we decide to pause, take a step back, and look at ourselves, to see where needs fixing, we do it out of love. We do it because there is no other way. Losing the beloved is not an option.
It is why I felt like a fraud and could not tell Jasmine I love her. I have failed her in my own estimation. It is why I have chosen to look into the mirror to find the problem. I made a promise to myself — for her, that I would be better. That I would work on me. It takes two to create a beautiful life. It takes two commitments to make that life last forever — love and sacrifice. Love is a choice to give and to hold on to.
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