Two Things Biden Should Have Said To Trump
It takes a strength of character few possess
It is all too easy to become riled when people try to bully or intimidate. We recoil at the injustice when people lie about us. We let our emotions boil over and we lash back when needled by a hostile person.
That’s what Trump does. He pokes and prods until he finds his target’s hot button — that one little niggle that makes people react.
I’ve met people like Trump — hell, I grew up with one.
They know how to goad a response. How to raise the hairs on the back of your neck. When that happens, the red mist descends.
It happened to Biden:
“Will you shut up, man.”
Okay, Biden is a politician and is used to holding back his feelings, especially in public. That fairly innocuous comment was Biden exploding inside.
Managing our impulsive feelings isn’t easy. Staying composed in the face of unrelenting repugnance takes focussed self-control.
I should know a little about keeping my feelings in check; after 30 years in the police, you come across a lot of people who rub you up the wrong way.
Self-control, staying calm, is crucial for police officers. When facing antagonistic people our natural response is to react. Outstanding police officers use the least force necessary, they maintain a professional demeanour. They are unflappable.
Keeping your cool, despite provocation, is something you can learn.
What can you do?
- Recognise your own feelings.
It takes practice. There is an art to controlling your emotions. The first step is to spot what is taking place in your own body, recognise your feelings. It’s not easy to stop a runaway train. Catch it before it gets up to speed. Better still, use your emotional intelligence to blow out the match that lights the fuse.
2. Pause.
Take a breath — literally. Two big inhales, stick your tongue to the roof of your mouth and breathe out slowly. This does two things: It stops you from talking and gives your brain time to think.
3. Assess
What are they actually saying? Does it make any sense? Is it true? Why do they keep interrupting? What is their purpose in upsetting you? Does it matter?
Ask yourself these questions. Analyse what is being said. Again, this gives you time to think. Time to compose a response. Our amygdala works on a hair-trigger, the part of our brain designated to make snap decisions — fight or flight.
It’s what makes us say things without thinking, a natural response that can cause a clash. Controlling that raw impulse isn’t easy — not at first, but with practice, we can override the circuitry.
This puts your thinking brain in control. It allows you to make rational responses as opposed to knee-jerk reactions.
Recognise — Pause — Assess
Once you do this, you can employ strategies; courses of action that work for you.
Make a conscious decision to engage calmly.
“No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” — Eleanor Roosevelt.
Only you can let another person make you feel inferior. I’ve learned that when people are being nasty, you can turn it around.
You can walk away.
Walking away takes all the control from them and gives it to you — it is no defeat. Walk away with your head held high, there are better people to talk to than those who disparage you. You have things to do. You don’t have time to worry about some idiot spouting off.
Imagine the person is talking about themselves.
Everything they say is what they think about themselves. Once you have accepted this premise, it’s easy to nod and ignore. It isn’t a personal attack on you — it’s a projection of what they think about themselves.
It works on two levels.
First, when trying to offend, bullies/narcissists/intimidators tend to say the things that would upset them, and what upsets them is the truth.
What people say to agitate you is what would upset them.
Second, the intimidator gets no fulfilment. Their goal is to upset you, but by agreeing with them you show you are not bothered by their words.
There is nothing so dispossessing as indifference.
Be the opposite of confrontational — that’s the expected response. You don’t need to deny something that isn’t true. You don’t have to react to an insult. Be patient. Let people blow off steam. It takes self-awareness and a little practice, but it is worth it.
Instead of lowering yourself and making it an argument, challenge yourself to remain detached from everything they say — you know it’s nonsense, so why bother.
The presidential debates
In the first televised debate, Trump did as expected. He was an over-aggressive, petulant spoilt brat who interrupted repeatedly with ridiculous denials, lies and more lies. This wasn’t a discussion, it was a forum for Trump to incite Biden. And he did so with some malevolence.
There were no winners, but there was a loser — America. The last remnants of respect the rest of the world may have had dribbled from the broken bottle.
This was not a presidential debate. What we saw wasn’t even a debate. We saw a man incapable of reasoned argument, degenerate the office of president to its lowest point imaginable.
Joe Biden should have said two things:
#1 In my experience, people who bully, intimidate and makes up lies to gain a reaction do so because the things they say are a projection of what they see in themselves and those are the things that upset them because the truth hurts. So when Mr Trump accuses me of anything, he is really talking about himself. Isn’t that a revelation?
From then on, Biden could have responded to every slur or lie with a nod of the head and a knowing smile. Trump hasn’t got the mental acuity to see what others see in him. He suffers from the Dunning-Kruger effect. He is so incompetent, he doesn’t know how incompetent he is. Trump would have continued to make slurs and lie. At which point Biden should have said…
#2 Mr Trump, you have constantly interrupted me and talked over me like a child having a tantrum. Repeating lies after lie does not make them true. Your disparaging rhetoric is not what this country needs to hear. I am not going to continue with this pointless exercise because I have to prepare to run this country and work out how to fix all the damage you have caused. Goodbye.
Biden should have walked away.
This is not a weak thing to do. Contrary to conventional thinking, walking away takes emotional intelligence — that’s a strength few of us possess.
