Two Sides Of A Coin
In response to this week’s prompt on authenticity.
I would say in being totally honest with myself that, the thing I truly fear the most, is losing control. To put all the losses and tragedies in my life together most of them included having no control or losing it, having had it at one time. From what is the most defining moment of my life resulting in being in a hospital bed for more than three weeks without ever getting out of it and wondering at the time, if I would survive to do so to the feeling when I was young of having little or no actual control at all.
The greatest joy I have is to let go of that control completely through drink, weed, or otherwise with someone I feel safe enough with to let that happen. What most people enjoy most about mind altering things is the freedom and loss of control. I enjoy drinking but do not enjoy at all the loss of control that comes with it. If I ever have truly let go around you and let loose, it is the greatest compliment I can give you.
This dichotomy leads to the greatest joy and also the things I beat myself up over. I truly love the feeling of letting go around people I trust and just being the child inside. I laugh no harder than when I am this unguarded person. I do not regret it in the morning when I do this with people I feel free enough to do it with. The gift I presented was freely gifted. I do beat myself up when it happens with others however, or when things such as crazy drivers let my anger pop out.
One of the things that people misunderstand about me is that although I really enjoy traveling, I hate to do it by myself. One of the greatest joys is to find something truly beautiful out there. It could be an animal, scenery, a building, or some other random thing. It is one thing to capture this in a photo and share it that way… But when that can be shared live with another person, another soul, that bond can put a lasting mark in both hearts. One of my greatest frustrations is to see that and not be able to share it. A photo often does not capture the scene appropriately.
The biggest mistake I made that I am grateful now for making, though it will eventually result in my life ending, is not acting quickly enough when I had my pancreatic attack. I have since been a type 1 diabetic as I can’t produce insulin anymore…
But I am also kinder to my body and mind as a result of it.