Two powerful Mantras to Strengthen Relationships
Choose words carefully and Speak Less and Listen More
Humans being social animals can never stop talking to each other. Every day humans hold millions of conversations with each other. Not all conversations have a happy ending. Often, people misunderstand what we say to them. Shocked by their reaction, we scratch our heads and wonder where we went wrong.
The answer to our puzzlement is the wrong choice of words we use. Words are powerful. They have a life of their own. Words have a vibrational energy that we send out to the listeners unconsciously.
Japanese scientist Masaru Emoto performed experiments on the effect that words have on energy in the 1990s.
When frozen, pure water will form beautiful ice crystals that look exactly like snowflakes under a microscope. Impure water will freeze without forming crystals.
He would take pictures of water normally, and then again after reciting a prayer over it. He tested the water by playing different genres of music to it. Classical music produced well-shaped crystals but heavy metal songs produced misshapen, irregular crystals. He pasted labels of positive and negative words on the jars of water. Words like “love” and “gratitude” produced beautiful, perfect crystals, but negative words produced no crystals or misshapen ones.
Remember our bodies are 70% water.
While harsh and angry words harm the listeners, negative self-talk causes harmful physical and mental reactions to the speakers. If we repeat the negative self-talk, our subconscious minds will rewire our brains to implant negative thinking and behaviour in our minds.
How we speak is as important as what we speak. It is said 60% of communications are non-verbal. Our body language, especially the hand gestures and facial expressions, should signal kindness.
In his book, “The Four Agreements”, author Don Miguel Ruiz says that we should be “impeccable with words”. The words we speak or write should spring from love for ourselves and love for others:
“Impeccability of the word can lead you to personal freedom, to huge success and abundance; it can take away all fear and transform it into joy and love.
The consequences of using positive and negative words
In their book, “Words Can Change Your Brain,”, authors Andrew Newberg and Mark Robert Waldman, state that “a single word has the power to influence the expression of genes that regulate physical and emotional stress.”
Using positive, uplifting words like “love” and “peace” in our everyday lives can literally change pathways in our brains by boosting our cognitive reasoning and making areas of the frontal lobes more effective.
However, when we use negative words, we activate the fear response in our brains, which increases levels of cortisol and other stress hormones.
Reframe responses that shift the negative to positive
Examples:
Wife: “How is this dish I prepared for you?”
Husband: “It doesn’t taste nice.” (Inappropriate)
“Good, but you had done this better before,”. (Appropriate )
Boss to an employee: “You are a slow worker” (Inappropriate )
“A little more speed will make you an excellent worker.” (Appropriate)
“Imagine how many suicide victims would still be with us, if only the right person said the right thing at the right time.” ― Wayne Gerard Trotman
Heed the three gatekeepers before you speak
An Arab proverb says the mouth should have three gatekeepers:
The first gatekeeper asks: “Is it true?”
The second gatekeeper asks: “Is it kind?”
The third gatekeeper asks: “Is it necessary?”
We should listen more than we speak
“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”- Epictetus
When people talk, they expect us to listen. Our attention spans have shortened thanks to communication technologies like the Internet. Instead of paying attention, our brains are busy framing our reactions even while the other person is talking.
Inattention is the greatest spoiler of relationships, whether official or personal. Misunderstandings arise when we cannot grasp what the other person is trying to communicate.
Attention is the most prized commodity of the modern age. It can make or mar relationships and careers.
We have to build our Attention Quotient (AQ) which is a function of our attention spans. A simple formula for increasing the AQ is “speak less and listen more”.
The written word is as powerful as the spoken word
The pen is mightier than the sword. We should be especially careful while writing on social media as our words will outlive us. Never use harsh words in writing. If you want to disagree, do it agreeably.
The power of silence
Sometimes silence is more eloquent than speech.
The aphorism, “silence is golden, speech is silver”, seems to have lost its popular appeal in contemporary society.
It is better to say nothing than hurl hurtful and insensitive words at others. People may not remember the wonderful things you said about them, but they will never forget the harsh words that you spoke to them. Even if they forgive you, they will not forget the awful words that you spoke.
“Open your mouth only if what you are going to say is more beautiful than the silence.” (Spanish Proverb )
Silence can never be misquoted or misunderstood. Silence is spiritual, it opens the doors to wisdom. The more you practice silence, the more you learn to listen to others and pay attention to the world around you. Excellent listeners enjoy flourishing relationships as the capacity to listen is a sign of empathy.
To sum up, practicing the two mantras, “choose your words carefully”, and “talk less and listen more” will enable us to enjoy enduring and meaningful relationships.
Thanks for reading.