And piles to soothe before I sleep
Two Hemorrhoids Walk Into a Bar
Is that a hemorrhoid in your pants or are you just glad to see me?
Two hemorrhoids walk into a bar. They order suppositories but the bartender ignores them, so they get frustrated and leave. Guy at the bar says to the bartender, “Hey. How come you didn’t serve those hemorrhoids?” Bartender says, “Them? They’re a pain in the ass.”
Two hemorrhoids walk into the metaverse. First one gets a huge grin. Second one says, “Why so happy?” First one says, “In the metaverse, you look like Gal Gadot.” Second one starts crying. First one says, “Why so sad?” Second one says, “You still look like a hemorrhoid.”
Two hemorrhoids walk into a bar. First hemorrhoid says “We’ll each have a gold plated suppository.” Bartender says “That’s going to be virtually impossible.” Second hemorrhoid rips off his Oculus Rift VR headset and says “Fine! Just give them to us here in meatspace!”
Two hemorrhoids walk into a bar and order suppositories. A guy in a white coat walks in and the hemorrhoids look stricken. They hide in the bathroom. Guy in the white coat orders a double martini. Bartender says “Doc, you look beat.” Doc says “Yeah, being a rectal surgeon sucks, everyone thinks they’re funny and calls you ‘asshole’. Plus, I was in the middle of a hemorrhoidectomy and two hemorrhoids just bolted. Chased ’em up and down Main Street, never found ’em.” Another guy walks out of the bathroom just then scratching his butt like there’s no tomorrow and says “Hey Doc, am I ever glad to see you!”
Hemorrhoid walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Hey, where’s your buddy?” Hemorrhoid says, “Why don’t you ask that asshole over there in the white coat?”
Two hemorrhoids walk into a bar and order suppositories. Bartender says “Will that be cash or credit card?” First hemorrhoid says, “Can you put it on my TAB? I left my wallet in my :”
Two hemorrhoids walk into a bar. First hemorrhoid says “Give us each half a suppository.” Bartender says “Half? You guys always order two full suppositories.” Second hemorrhoid says, “No room. We downsized, we moved into a ;”
An exhausted suppository stumbles into a bar and says, “Can I just rest here awhile?” Bartender says, “Sure. What’s the problem?” Suppository says, “There’s a maniac out there with hemorrhoids, and he keeps trying to shove me up his butt! I’m gonna get PTSD. I know I’m gonna get PTSD.” Bartender says, “What’s wrong with that? You’re a suppository right?” Suppository says, “I’m a nasal suppository. We weren’t trained for that shit!”
Two hemorrhoids walk into a package store. The owner looks at them carefully, then points at the door and says, “Get out.” The hemorrhoids get mad as hornets, yelling about freedom, equal rights, and justice as they exit. Guy in line says, “I get it. I just saw that at the bar down the street. You don’t serve them because they’re a pain in the ass, right?” Owner says, “Nope. I have no problem serving a pain in the ass, happens all the time. I’m just not serving a pain in the ass who won’t wear a mask.”
Guy walks into a bar on a cold, snowy night. Says to the bartender, “Man it’s cold! Can I get an Ancho Reyes Hot Chocolate?” Bartender hands him a drink, the guy takes a sip, and the bartender does a double-take. Two hemorrhoids are climbing out of the back of the guy’s pants and streaking for the door. Bartender says, “What the hell was that!” Guy says, “Union rules. They get Friday nights off.” Bartender says, “You’re gonna just let them run wild out there?” Guy looks at his watch, says “No worries. They’ll be back in two minutes.” Sure enough two minutes later, the two hemorrhoids run back in and climb back into the guy’s pants. Bartender says, “How could you be so sure?” Guy says, “I live in Florida. They don’t like the cold.”
Two hemorrhoids walk into a bar. First one can’t stop scratching his butt. Bartender asks, “Hey, what’s wrong?” Hemorrhoid says, “Poison ivy.” The bartender notices the other hemorrhoid is also scratching his butt relentlessly. Bartender says, “Poison ivy?” Hemorrhoid says, “I wish. Hemorrhoids.”
Guy walks into a bar. He sees the bartender vigorously scratching his butt. Guy asks, “Hemorrhoids?” Bartender says, “Yes! Two of them down the other end of the bar. My phone’s in my back pocket and I’m secretly texting my rectal surgeon. He’s been looking for those guys all afternoon!”
All proceeds from this article will be donated to Hemorrhoids Without Borders.
