DOCTOR FUNNY MELON CHALLENGE

Two Girls, One Cup

A lopsided life

Boobs. Knockers. Tits. Pillow Pets. Sweater Cows. Melons. Milk Monsters. Mary-Kate & Ashley. Shoulder Boulders. Midnight Snacks. Dairy Queens. Bazoongas. The Twins. Cha-Chas. Nipsey Hustles. Utters. Hand Warmers. Sonny & Cher. Juggernauts. Tig ol' Bitties. Jell-O Jigglers. Swag Bags. Bad Mammer Jammers. Morning Glories. Personal Floatation Devices.

We can all agree that breasts are fantastic, but not all hooters are created equally.

Dueling Banjos

While most of the Devil's dumplings seen in media are equally yoked in terms of proportion, most Julius Squeezers are not created equally.

When I began my journey into puberty, my bean bags developed at a rapid and consistent rate. It wasn't until I hit my late teens that one of my gum drops started growing at a faster rate than the other.

Maybe it was because I was left-handed or simply because God hates me, but either way, my left pectoral peach decided it wanted to take center stage. I was forced out of the life of flimsy unlined bras and eventually sought comfort in heavy-duty underwires with maximum padding to conceal my disproportionate hush puppies.

Seeing is believing

Wonder Bras were a blessing in the beginning as it was easy to keep Cagney and Lacy looking symmetrical. But eventually, once I hit the D cup district, I maxed out on their size chart.

“In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.” Desiderius Erasmus

The quote isn't relevant, but I like to think if you closed one eye, you wouldn't be able to tell that one of my boobs was bigger than the other. Quite honestly, I did a bang-up job at making them look even — even with both eyes open!

Three pregnancies later, my coconut cream pies managed to make amends and settle their differences once and for all. They finally found peace in the Land of Double D's.

Gone are the days of my lovely lady lumps feuding over attention and admiration. But we shall never forget our struggles or our roots. And like any great nation, we have our own triumphant anthem to regale.

“Some like ‘em big. Some like ‘em small. We’ve got the right size to satisfy them all!”

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