Twin Flame Journey? Or Karmic Debt Repayment Plan? Part 5
What?
I didn’t hear from him on my birthday. The great thing is that I heard from so many friends and family that I didn’t really give him much thought that day. I was grateful that I was actually able to put him aside for once. This felt like progress. I went out with five girlfriends for dinner and went home where my kids had flowers, cake and presents for me. It was pretty good for a Monday.
The day after my birthday my daughter and I spent a good portion of it searching for the title of her car that had been totaled in a hail storm. She needed to hand the title over to her insurance company in order for them to issue a check so she could replace her car. After a lot of frustration and some tears, we decided it was worth the trip to the tow yard that had her car to look through it one more time. It was 3:30pm and they told her it closed at 4:00pm so we decided to hightail it out there. About 10 minutes into the drive I realized we were out of gas. My daughter had been driving my car all week and didn’t want to fill it up. We were running on fumes and I could feel the car trying to chug to a stop. I saw a gas station off the upcoming exit and turned off the freeway in the nick of time. As I was turning into the gas station I noticed a little green 1960s truck and thought to myself, “No way. That can’t be him.” But it was. My daughter saw him too. We passed each other going in different directions into and out of THE SAME GAS STATION…at 3:45pm…on a random Tuesday afternoon…in a part of town where NEITHER of us lives — a part of town I haven’t been to in at least four years. What are the chances? This reminded me of the other “running out of gas” story that relates to him that I mentioned in the last installment. When I was in a headspace of forgetting to get gas and a lot of other stuff that happens when one stops caring about anything outside of my marriage and my family falling apart in front of my eyes. The time that he came out of his house and asked if he could help me. Recap: I said no, he walked me to my house, he told me about his new business — and I’ll add that I remember feeling like he was bragging about his success and I wondered why he wanted me to know this when we hadn’t ever really discussed his work. Later, I remember thinking, “Oh, maybe he was trying to impress me?”
This is the kind of stuff that I don’t understand completely. Why? Why two running out of gas incidents in one lifetime? Why would we both be at the same place, at the same time with zero knowledge that either of us was even in town? (He was usually in another state during the week.) I don’t get this. Who is this man to me? Why am I consumed by thoughts of him? Why can’t I seem to cut him free from my mind. I don’t care if he’s in my life or not. I just want to feel some sort of peace and to move on with my life. Am I trauma bonded to him? I have never ruminated over anyone for nine straight months after a breakup. Why this one?
This torture is funny though. I am tortured by thoughts of happiness. Of connectedness with nature and intimacy and goodness. I hurt because I felt whole and happy with him. Every time I have seen him he has brought me nothing but joy. Every time we’re apart it’s a hell like no other. At least for me. I miss him. Trees and beauty and pictures and mountains make my heart ache for him. Being with him was hilarious bliss. I know he felt it too. What happened to us? Will I ever be able to find a love that makes me feel this way ever again? The pain ebbs and flows, but his absence haunts me every day. I can’t imagine spending my whole life without him.
So I randomly take a call from an incoming psychic hotline. I had talked to the same group last June when we shattered (and now they call me all the time). This was the first time in my life that I’d ever reached out for some divine intervention. My grandma had a strong stance when it came to “fortune tellers”. They were akin to the Devil. I couldn’t find an ounce of peace day or night and a friend recommended them. I thought, “What the hell.” Maybe I needed something to help me stop the suffering and provide some clarity — even if it might be “woo-woo”, hocus pocus bullshit. I have talked to a few over the past year and they all said eerily similar things to me— all pegged him very closely to who I know him to be.
I am now afraid of what I’ll hear so I won’t go back to psychics…too close to truth. I’ll tell you what they said next time.