Turn your regrets into the fuel you need to succeed

It’s easy to get beaten down by our regrets, but what if we got inspired by them instead?

by: E.B. Johnson

Everyone — at some point in their life — has felt the pain of regret. Life flies past and with it comes missed opportunities and missteps that can set us back and leave us feeling hopeless.

Relationship breakdowns, missed job opportunities and personal loss are just a few of the things that can cause regret in our lives. Try as we might to make things perfect, things still manage to fall apart. And when they do, we are often left with a sense of guilt and shame that can negatively permeate into every aspect of our life.

Regret is one of the most miserable feelings known to man — but it’s also one of the most powerful weapons in our arsenal. When we learn how to face our regret openly and honestly and accept our mistakes for what they are, we can turn our regret into inspiration…but it takes a little digging.

Why do we do things we regret?

Think back to your most recent regret. Does the memory of it cause you to flinch or ask yourself, “why on earth did I do that?”

Well, if that’s the case, you’re not alone. We all have that WTF moment when we engage in a behavior that causes us to feel regret.

There are three basic reasons we engage in behaviors that we regret. The first is a feeling of deprivation, suppression or obsession. The second is the “screw it” effect (which can cause you to make some truly shocking decisions ) and the last is the Pleasure Duality.

A breeding ground for regret, we all experience these states at one point or another in our lives, but in order to overcome them we have to understand them.

Deprivation, Obsession and Suppression

If you’ve ever been on a diet, then you know what it means to feel deprived. Being without can make us feel desperate and vulnerable, but it can also make us feel miserable and obsessed with what we do and don’t have.

Deprivation makes us crave the forbidden fruits of life.

When we try to suppress our cravings, they become worse, leading us to focus on them so intensely we lose touch with other things in our life.

It’s a bit like trying to hold a beach ball underwater. Try as you might, it’s a juggling act that you just can’t master. Feeling suppressed or “without” will only make you feel more desperate and when you’re desperate you make poor choices.

The Screw-It Effect

The Screw-It Effect is one of those double-edged swords that can be both empowering in our lives and regret-inducing.

When we’re stuck in the thralls of this life-stage, “ah, screw it,” becomes our mantra. We dismiss important things and leap head first into things we know don’t suit us because we lose touch with our authentic selves and the things that make us tick.

A “screw it” mentality comes most often when we’re in prolonged states of deprivation or suppression. Temptation rides high in these moments and being vulnerable makes it easier to give in. Feelings of self-loathing always follow, though, and with that feelings of anxiousness or hopelessness.

The Pleasure Duality

There are two types of pleasure in this world and they give us two very different things. The first type is the standard type of pleasure, which we get from our physical enjoyment of the material world, while the second is a more thrilling sort which we get from ambition, success, seduction and all those more abstract aspects of our humanity.

While the first type of pleasure is relatively manageable, it is this second type of pleasure that leads us often down the road to regret. This second type is a wanting, a deep desire, that drives us to the edge in a desperate pursuit of desires that are often hard (if not impossible) for us to manage.

The things that cause regret every single time.

While regrets are a part of everyone’s life, there are concrete choices in life we will always regret. These are things both consciously and unconsciously chosen; done and undone. Avoid them and you’ll avoid some of the nastier pitfalls in life, but not all of them are avoidable. Learning how to identify them is just the first step in learning how to turn your regrets into success.

Taking a job for the money.

Taking a job strictly for the cash will always leave us feeling unhappy and unfulfilled. When we pursue something like a job just for the benefits it offers — rather than the passion it inspires — we find ourselves being unmotivated and uninspired to improve ourselves or the conditions around us.

Belittling other people.

We use criticism to empower ourselves when we’re feeling vulnerable, but it doesn’t give us any power and only leaves us feeling worse over time. Judging people too quickly only reflects your own insecurities and denies you of the opportunity to make real and meaningful connection. When you belittle someone else, it doesn’t make you look any better — it only makes you look like a bully.

Not telling people how you feel.

No matter how you shake it, you’ll always regret not telling someone how you feel, even if those feelings aren’t so nice.

Being open and honest with the people around us is one of the keys to happiness, but it’s hard to do when you’re faced with emotions that make you feel unsure.

Failing to tell people how we feel is worse, though, and be especially damaging when the worst happens and words are left unsaid.

Letting fear dictate your decisions.

When fear guides our decisions, it guides us into the land of mistakes. Fear makes a desperate bedfellow of us all, and when we’re desperate we can’t think straight. When we do things out of fear, we’re reacting rather than thinking through the options — and that can lead to some truly devastating consequences.

Speaking out of anger.

Anger can make us lash out in some ugly and unexpected ways. When we’re angry, we aren’t thinking clearly and it can cause us to misinterpret the situation and see it through a skewed lens.

You have to learn how to take your emotions in hand and settle them before you react to a situation that makes you feel angry or aggravated. When your anger is in charge, you aren’t.

Cheating on a partner.

Unless you’re a bonafide sociopath, cheating on your partner is always going to lead to feelings of shame, guilt and regret. Betraying the trust of a partner or loved one is a betrayal of trust in ourselves. When we harm the ones we love that harm comes back tenfold on us, damaging us in a ways we could never expect.

How to turn our regrets into fuel.

Whether we make a simple mistake or a calculated choice that backfires grandly, everyone — at some point in their life — experiences regret. This pain is real and it’s haunting, but it’s also a fuel that can feed us on the path to our greatest successes in this life.

Rather than letting our regrets hound our ambitions, we can transform them into motivators by accepting them and moving on with a few simple tactics.

1. Stop beating yourself up.

When we slip up, we have a tendency to be really hard on ourselves. The inner critic is a very real thing, and mistakes bring out its malice like nothing else. That pesky critic keeps you scared, alone and sad by gnawing at your psyche and reminding you constantly of the blunders that you’ve made.

While taking responsibility for our role is always important, beating yourself up too much can be toxic in the long run.

When we give our inner critic too much power, it can affect how we feel about ourselves and hinder our progress by making it harder to move forward confidently and bravely toward our dreams.

If you continue to beat yourself up about the things you got wrong, you’ll do nothing but make yourself feel worse. So stop the self flagellation and start being proactive about your healing by taking responsibility, learning the lesson and moving on.

2. Evaluate your coping style.

All of us cope differently with disappointment, whether it is us that is doing the disappointing or someone else. Some of us push people away, while others brood and obsess over their mistakes, internalizing everything and suppressing their emotions.

Learning how to evaluate our coping styles and the mechanisms we use to overcome our struggles is one of the key ways we can transform our regrets into fuel. Whether we ignore or fixate on the what’s bothering us, our emotions are impossible to run from or ignore. Dodging our upsetting feelings makes them even more present, and suppressing our emotions actually diminishes our capacity for happiness and joy.

By slowing down and taking time to notice our emotions and how they make us react, we can identify our coping mechanisms and stop the most poisonous ones in their tracks before they are able to destroy our lives.

3. Revisit your regret.

It’s impossible to find the lesson in something that you don’t study. In order to take control of our regret, we have to be willing to face it bravely and analyze ever aspect of it to avoid such missteps in future.

Often, when you revisit a moment of your life that you regret, you find that there was really a silver lining hiding there all along.

It takes some digging to find it, though, and it takes an honest commitment to healing — no matter how hard it may be.

When looking back at the mistakes you’ve made, remember: everything looks different from a different perspective. There is always a positive value there, but we have to be willing to see it even when it’s an uncomfortable truth.

4. Clarify the things that matter.

Profound regret can make us wonder about our place and life and lead us to make some truly bizarre decisions. We can use these emotions, though, as a springboard for greater things when we learn how to clarify what actually matters in our lives.

Remorse can be used to pinpoint the virtues that you cherish most. Focusing on the damage done won’t do you any good, but you can take the time to ask yourself why you feel such profound feelings relating to your actions or decisions. Work backward and identify and clarify the things that matter to you and you can unravel the knot that helps you unlock your personal growth.

5. Interrupt the obsessing.

Once you know how to cope and you’ve identified the lesson to be learned, don’t be afraid to interrupt your obsessing in order to refocus your train of thought.

Take a moment to list the consequences of your most recent regret spiral and review those notes whenever you feel yourself descending into panic. Take stock of the concrete lessons you’ve learned or the coping mechanisms that made you feel better (or worse). This list will help you realize that the obsessive focus isn’t helpful, and it can help you keep in mind that you’re wasting energy that could go toward healing.

When you develop a concrete set of alternative options that help you engage in a healthier way with your regret, you’ll be able to maximize the healing you take away from that moment with you. The goal is to stop the thinking in its tracks before it consumes you, but you have to be quick and you have to be consistent however you go about it.

6. Reframe the past.

Some regrets can’t be corrected, and that’s okay too. Rather than suffering, survive the disappointment by reframing the narrative in a more favorable light — one that is more palatable for you and the direction you’re taking.

Put the best face on things and pinpoint the ways that the event has contributed positive to your story. Doing this is easier said than done, but it’s all about centering your thoughts around constructions like “if…then” rather than “everything is horrible and everyone hates me.”

You can also go deeper in reframing these narratives.

By making peace with the event and coming to terms with it, you can forgive yourself and anyone else involved in your most regret-filled moments. Through this lens of total and absolute acceptance, we can stop blaming and shift our feelings into constructive assessments rather than angry accusations.

7. Learn from the lessons.

The agony of regret is pointless if you cannot take from it a positive lesson that enables you to transform you life in some meaningful way. Mistakes are the greatest teachers we ever receive in life, but seeing their lessons can be hard beneath the deep layers of hurt our regrets and disappointments inflict.

If you want to learn your lessons quickly, start by acknowledging your errors each time there’s a mistake and embracing them honestly. Before you can learn from you mistakes, you have to be able to accept full responsibility for your actions.

Next, ask yourself the tough questions and don’t be afraid to confront even the ugliest aspects of yourself or your decision making process. Only when you can ask yourself the things that make you uncomfortable can you find a way to make a plan forward, enabling you to take action and change your life; sending it in the direction you’ve always wanted.

8. Take action.

There is an art form in Japan that is known as kintsugi. This artform is ancient and practiced by only a few masters, but it is revered and well-respected throughout the world. Translated, kintsugi literally means “golden repair” and its lessons are ones that can be applied beautifully to our own lives.

Kintsugi revolves around a very special philosophy. In this philosophy, broken things are not seen as objects to be discarded, but objects to be repaired (lovingly). Rather than hide the imperfections of a crack here or a chip there, kintsugi artists lovingly repair broken pottery using precious metals which cause their imperfections to glow.

Imperfections are a part of us and they make up our history. Though we might like to bury them and forget them, they help us put together the puzzle pieces of who we are, and without them we would be lost.

Curing our regrets doesn’t come down to burying them or feeling eternally lousy. It’s pursuing solutions thoughtfully and having the courage to take appropriate action where we can.

Life is not a passive sport. It’s an all-hands-on-deck all-out MMPORG. The wisdom we need to defeat adversity is out there, but it can only be gained through self-reflection and a commitment to action. Taking action isn’t always easy, but it’s necessary. Have the courage and self-respect to go after the things that stoke your passions.

Putting it all together…

We all have regrets, but what separates the champions from those who are lost is how we cope with that regret and move forward through our struggles. There are a lot of reasons we commit to decisions that we later regret, but almost all of them can be reconciled in some shape. It takes a little honest grit and determination, though, and most of all it takes an unflinching willingness to do what’s right for yourself.

Learn from your mistakes and reframe the negative narratives that leave you chained to the past and feeling miserable. Clarify the things that matter and evaluate your coping style for signs of possible improvement. We all handle adversity differently, but we can only succeed when we learn how to openly and honestly accept who and what we are.

Regret isn’t forever, just for right now. Learn how to get past your regret and turn it into the fuel that drives you forward. No one is stopping you but yourself. The choice is up to you.