Turning My Mess Into A Message

I’ve never been good at expressing my emotions. I’m not sure where this feature of mine started to develop, but It was the start of internalising all of my pain. I didn’t want anyone ever to know what was going on inside of me. But there comes a time when the pain becomes so much that the open wound never stops seeping.

How I hide the mess?

I confess that I’m a Binge Cryer.

I’m the one who huddles up in the blankets, goes into the toilet cubical, or hides in a dark spot and quietly allow the tears to run down my face.

It’s a silent art — and it’s one without anybody’s motion or quivering sounds from the lips. If you weren’t paying attention, you wouldn’t even see me doing it at my desk.

It’s just the way I coped with sadness, loss, despair or hurt — I’d suffer silently & pay for it internally.

When it was all over, I’d quickly contain myself and be ready to pick up where I left off — emotionless and unbeknown to anyone that may know me well — not even a close friend.

Thinking about this now, I see that I was dreadfully ashamed of the way I felt — and have been for a very long time. Perhaps being emotional didn’t put me in a position to be the rock, or the strong one, the rocket launcher (I’m known for this in my family).

I didn’t want people to know that I was a puddle of mess sprawled on the floor — and I didn’t want anyone to clean up after me.

I kept up the facade for about 30+ years — wow, what a long time!

Being the master emotion hacker came to an end in my 40’s — when my mum was diagnosed with Cancer.

The first time I let go was in the hospital with her lying on the bed, fearful about how much time she has left on earth.

After the specialist gave us the prognosis of not being able to help her — no chemo, surgery — I could do absolutely nothing for this person I love dearly.

She was going to die.

I let out an over-flowing rainfall of tears in front of the nurses, doctors, patience & in front of my mum.

I tried to be strong for her, but I had nothing left in that emotionally charged moment. I could not stop — and from that moment onwards, I had no control over my tears whatsoever.

I now took to letting the tears flow rapidly and without warning.

How was I going to cope with this now overflowing flow of emotions?

The thought of losing my mum had brought the fear that I’ve been holding onto for so long?

When I asked myself this question, the words of Napoleon Hill sprung to mind. We should not worry about things we cannot change.

What should we do instead is somehow find a way to turn the pain into positivity.

I fret for weeks trying to work out how I could turn this fear, pain, weakness and hurt into something positive? That’s not what I’m used to, and It’s not even the way my brain works.

Well, there is always a first time for anything, isn’t there?

What triggered me into action was a verse in an audiobook I was listening to at the time. The situation was of a backstabbed man, wronged by someone he trusted and was loyal towards.

It left him in pain and angry as hell.

Although I don’t know the whole story, the outcome of action based on that situation was a marvellous idea.

Instead of fighting back, getting angry or upset, he did this: -

“I took a pad of paper and a pencil and started writing words.”

The words that resulted from this was a magnificent poem about life and that he was determined situations would never conquer him — he would never give up or stop smiling.

It inspired me so much that I, too, decided this would be my avenue for positivity, healing and finally putting an end to sealing my emotions.

I, too, will put an electronic pen to tablet/Macbook pro.

From that moment onward, the deal I made with myself was that every time I would cry or feel an overwhelming sense of emotions, whether it was anger, sadness or hurt, I would open up my Evernote and begin typing.

It didn’t matter what the curser would form; all that mattered was that I would place a message on a blank slate and expand on the emotions, feelings, conflict and anything else that decided to show up. It became my emotional canvas, much like an artist who first dips a brush into the paint.

My paint will be the collage of words that compile to form a story.

Somedays, the words made sense, and at other times it was a bunch of binary words & sentences that may come together at a later stage — perhaps down the track, it will make up an imperfect story.

I don’t know why this works, but it’s as powerful as weight training. That’s a pretty weird comparison, as I’m very much the first person you see in the weights room, ready for my therapy session with the bar.

But I guess, that’s just what it feels like to me.

If you find yourself in a highly emotional state and don’t know where to channel the multitude of welling symptoms in your body, I highly advise you to grab a pen, tablet, or laptop and start writing.

Gather up a collection of bits and pieces, like shells on the beach. Keep them hidden from others, and revisit when the time is right.

There is no better story, poem or piece written as an impromptu emotionally charged, gathering of thoughts — and I believe those may be the very pieces that some other person on the far corners of the earth needs to hear.

Happy writing, and keep it up, no matter how bad you think it is. It’s a learnt skill, and everyone should be left to learn at their own pace.

Remember that, after the rain, will come a rainbow.

Perhaps my rainbow is my own story.

Be Open Says;

Everyone can contribute to this Open Poem!