COPING MECHANISMS

My Name Is Chantal and I Am a Perfectionist

The illusion of perfectionism

‘Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we do will ever be good enough — that we should try again.’ — Julie Cameron

This is a short piece in which I felt necessary and important. I decided to unmask a sensitive disposition, for you dear reader — you’re not alone in your desire for perfection. But just so you know:

Perfection is a lie! Not only is it subjective, it’s unachievable. Reach for excellence instead.

As I reached midlife, I hadn’t realized how much I had depended on my looks as my only credible sense of identity. I was repeatedly told I was a mistake as a child, and physically and emotionally abandoned — particularly by my father — I had little to zero self-worth.

As I blossomed around the age of eighteen, I started to get a lot of attention — although not all of it was honorable. I received compliments about looking like a movie star and told many times I should be a model. I got as far as a casting — they adored me, but I bolted. The trouble was I didn’t believe a word of it deep down, and wouldn’t for decades to come.

Nonetheless, over time I put my only value on how attractive and slim I could try and be on the outside, being that on the inside — I carried around a sense of brokenness that stemmed from my unhappy childhood.

Later on in my life, I endured chronic unexplained health issues, as well as a tempestuous and hurtful relationship, which intensified those childhood wounds.

My face started to look downcast and radically changed. I became aware that my edgy energy had been sucked out of me. I felt reminded of the time when I was pregnant, a wall went up and I became invisible.

I hadn’t seen how I had been hiding my sense of self-hate behind my looks for most of my life. And the saddest consequence of this was that I was faced with an unmet part of me.

Serendipitously, I found a wonderful and talented therapist a little after this change in me, and through many sessions, he was able to diagnose my codependency; a maladaptive coping technique that’s rooted from a dysfunctional upbringing.

I was shocked, and yet the more we dug deeper, the more insight followed, and I was able to unveil another layer of my coping mechanisms — perfectionism–another form of false control and an avoidance mechanism.

Perfectionism can develop from being highly criticized, invalidated, and neglected as a child. I remember being smacked, punished, and criticized most days. My mother would relentlessly tell me I wasn’t doing my chores the right way, and my father — openly ashamed of me — would tell me as a fifteen-year-old, I was too large and had unattractive facial features, and hands.

Attempting to reach perfection was also a shield against the internal shame I dripped in. I hid behind perfectionism to avoid failure and judgment and unknowingly, my true self.

Subconsciously a true self is nurtured, safe, and established as a child, and if only loved on conditions and shaming, we develop a sense of never feeling good enough in our core.And so this is where false identities and avoidance mechanisms are formed.

I always wanted to look beautiful and slim to be loved and accepted, even though I didn’t accept myself. I hid from my unbearable flaws and projected them onto others. If I made failures or mistakes, it confirmed my worthlessness. When I became overweight at certain times in my life, I felt ugly and bad. In my mind, I would imagine being slim and believe that when I reached that size once again, every — good — thing would fall into place; even though that has never happened when I am slim.

When I achieved accomplishments and accolades, the joy was short-lived. I held a chronic state of negativity that even a big win couldn’t hold off. I wasn’t good enough because I was always reaching for perfection.

My perfectionism was not only self-oriented but also other-oriented. I was setting myself extremely high expectations as well as unknowingly projecting that onto others.

Perfectionism is an illusion and a form of control. It is associated with appearing to be successful, however it is a personality trait, striving for flawlessness, which heightens self-criticism and severe criticism of others.

This chronic pursuit of trying to be flawless is only ever met with frustration and feelings of low self worth, depression and anxiety.

Now having reached an understanding of what was going on for me over those years, I have started to adopt a self-compassionate dialogue with myself and daily self-acceptance by acknowledging who I am, warts and all. I am good!

Having insight to what is driving our anxieties can mean a need to dig deeper.

If you find you relate to what I have shared, then please do consider finding a therapy that will help you unpack your psychological layers. It doesn’t always have to originate from an upbringing — it may just go back to isolated incidents or a relationship.

Life is short and you deserve to feel free and good about who you are, flaws and all!

Thank you for your love

© Chantal Weiss 2024. All Rights Reserved