Surviving Emotional Abuse & the Importance in knowing you are Not alone.

No one wants to face the fact that their family (or really any relationship) is toxic and emotionally abusive — at least I cannot imagine anyone does, I know I sure didn’t (and still don’t) want to. This struggle is real for so many and there is so much judgment and shame for survivors of emotionally abusive families or as it has been coined: hidden abuse. Unhealthy, unsafe, toxic family members (and psychopathic-like personalities) are adept at gaining support.

Unfortunately, because of this I think there is much of society that not only doesn’t accept the truth or understand the pain and the reality of what emotional abuse is and does, but also is unaware of and uneducated to these types of personalities and how they work, or rather…manipulate.

Often suffering in silence, trying to find the strength to continue, while also trying to avoid unnecessary ridicule and/or judgment from people who do not know, understand, or accept the truth — all while trying to figure things out in the middle of a whiteout blizzard that has become your nightmare... Mental, emotional, psychological, energetic abuse is hidden and goes unseen to the naked eye. It is with love that ask or rather encourage you to not judge what you haven’t experienced for yourself and therefore do not understand. Do not imply or tell a victim/survivor of abuse, or others, that he or she is to blame and didn’t try hard enough, that his/her story isn’t real or is over exaggerated.

Please, do NOT condemn someone for making the hardest choice to FINALLY take a stand and do what s/he needs to do in order to love and protect him/herself from inexplicable unimaginable confusion, harm, pain, control, manipulation, guilting, shaming, and trauma just because you do not know or understand someone’s story

— the truth is, that individual should have escaped a long time ago, the even bigger truth is, it NEVER should have happened in the first place.

Growing-up, I never liked or accepted the famous saying “life isn’t fair.” It has just never felt quite right to me. As an adult, I still feel very similarly. I don’t understand why and refuse to believe it can’t be. We can all do better to make it possible.

I cannot help but wonder if it is ‘true’ because we accept this or even support this saying therefore, making it so true — kind of like a self (or societal) fulfilling prophecy. It becomes true because people make it true through the actions they take (or allow) towards themselves and others. It is because we just accept it, that it remains the status quo.

Because we permit people to treat us poorly, or others, we create disharmony, unfairness, pain, suffering, and so many problems along with ripple effects that stretch out past where the stone landed…

As Jack Sparrow says: “The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem.”

Several books related to this topic expressed my thoughts, feelings, doubts, fears, anxiety, struggle, and experiences almost word for word at times. It felt like the very essence of my being was being crushed, and I felt like part of me was dying. I was lost, confused, empty, and in more pain than I can being to express, and for what seemed like a length of time that would never end.

All from what family and supposed friends, as well as other manipulative toxic psychopathic and narcissistic (cluster (type) B personalities) people had done to me, not only throughout my entire life, but also combined like a force of pure evil during a very specific period of time where it all (or they all) seemed to come to a head — crashing downward, inward, outward, as if exploding and imploding all at the same time…

Longing for love and a sense of community, while feeling hopeless, unworthy, and unsure of who or what to trust — including myself. Ready to give up, begging God to stop the pain, striving to survive, longing not to exist but not wanting to die, longing for unconditional love, reason, and hope that things could change -could be better, wishing I was wrong, wanting to be happy and healthy… only to finally learn to accept that happiness and health wasn’t something that was possible so long as those people were a part of my life…

It is through learning I am not alone in this journey, through God’s love and the strength he provided me, the love and support of my husband, advise of multiple health professionals, research and resources, journaling, prayer, self-love, as well as the friends and/or clients who shared their experiences about their own personal struggles through similar trauma, that I learned, and continue to learn, to heal.

For all of them, everything I have learned, the strength I never knew I had, and for so much more, I am eternally grateful. It is with great love and encouragement that I ask you not to give-up on yourself and your divine right to be truly happy.

I share a little of my story because I believe people need to share their stories, like Jackson MacKenzie & Dr Sherrie Campbell, in order to help others struggling. To show them, perhaps most importantly, that they are not alone through this unexplainable painful experience that so much of society doesn’t, can’t, or won’t even try to understand.

I share because I understand the difficulty in processing everything you are going through — on top of the constant judgment by society, in addition to the constant stream of manipulation from those involved directly, as well as by those who are being unwittingly pulled into the drama and used by the very tactful people who caused you harm.

Own your truth. If and when you are ready, share it. We, survivors and would be victims, gain ground through spreading awareness. Our shared stories help more people understand what we and others have gone through, perhaps what they too are going through. Better yet, doing so may help save someone from going through the depths of the trenches we have endured.

Unfortunately, I believe many of us are in toxic relationship and never realize it, for any number of reasons and/or circumstance. I believe we can help one another. Let us all come together to compassionately support anyone who is struggling with hidden abuse.

Don’t believe them when they blame you and put you down. As astutely stated in Pretty Woman “people put you down enough you start to believe…the bad is easier to believe, ever notice that?” They use this, and many other tactics, to keep you exactly where they want you.

You are loved, you are worthy, you are talented and beautiful and amazingly gifted. You were not and are not to blame. You were not the problem. You can and will heal in time. Search for truth, search for healing and love that is real, bonds that are honest and true. Search for yourself and your joy. I support you and God supports you, if you do what you need to with love — loving yourself does not mean harming others.

Don’t let those who caused you suffering trick you into believing that they actually care or that you are to blame, because they don’t care about you and they refuse to take responsibility, and their actions have proven that. “When people show you who they really are, believe them,” Maya Angelou. Never let anyone take away your spirit. You were beautifully and divinely made, and are loved beyond measurability.

Learning to move on from toxic family members, or other people, does not mean we do not forgive or even have compassion for them as human beings and as people we once, or still, care(d) about… It means having enough self-love and respect and compassion to live a life you love without the overshadowing fear or guilt of/from constant abuse. “Live Your Life On Purpose,” or “ Live Your Best Life,” or whatever other wonderful expression you want, after all, it is your life…

Gently edited 1/172024

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