Reptilian Brain
Trump Goes To Bat For The NRA
Buy more guns, not less guns
In the wake of the Texas school shooting, one of the NRA’s most beloved prostitutes, Donald Trump, resorted to that old song and dance, blaming the massacre on a lack of attention to “mental health.”
Because who cares more about the sick, the needy, the weak, and the mentally ill, than Fox’s favorite tycoon, Donald J Trump?
Something about the way he tossed those cheap paper towel rolls to hurricane victims in Puerto Rico during a five minute presidential photo op sealed the deal for me: this fat golfer was Gandhi.
While the overwhelming majority of Americans are sick to death of the slack gun laws that are the cause of endless school mass murders, Trump has a radically different logic-defying solution:
Arm the schools and school teachers.
Because nothing gets your attention during roll call quite like an armed and loaded school teacher standing at the front of a class.
For all of you faint-hearted skeptics who imagine that two plus two equals four, hear me out while I unpack the finer nuances of Trump’s transcendental NRA logic, where two plus two in fact equals five.
Imagine a scenario where a kid comes to class with a baseball bat and beats the crap out of another kid, sending him to the hospital. So-called logic might tell you to simply ban baseball bats in schools. Think again.
When applying transcendental Trumpian logic to the situation, the real solution becomes more baseball bats, not less. In other words, every single kid in school and all of the teachers need to be equipped with one baseball bat each to be carried at all times and used at the slightest provocation.
This will create a sane, friendly “Darwinian” environment where the best hitter will be able to have the last swing and create a temporary natural order.
As our beloved Teddy Roosevelt once said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.”
This is a win win situation for all involved. The NRA will reach its financial quota with its new buy-two-guns-and-get-a-free-baseball-bat deal available in stores everywhere. Nature will eliminate its weaker members and slower hitters. Teachers will be able to let off steam and exercise their id. The evolutionary human brain can stop developing through the more reflective frontal cortex and get back in touch with its primitive fight or flight reptilian brain.
I rest my case. In 2024, be sure to vote with your reptilian brain.
© Carlo Zeno 2022
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Thanks for reading, and thank you to Muddyum for providing this platform for black humor and transcendental logic. If you want to support you can buy me a baseball bat and/or read two more of my Muddyum gems below.