True Responsibility
Owning my creative power vs. Making sure everyone is safe
in the place the family gathers
a dark form
was created with magic.
impressive, amazing! but also, scary…
who’s going to take responsibility
for all of the unintended demons?
dream last night:
i did a magic spell that i learned as part of carolyn elliott’s* course, and a really large shadow figure formed on the floor of the living room.
scary, but also impressive. how tangible the magic is.
later, i call carolyn to have dinner and tell her what happened.
she is cavalier about it, “oh, yes, we realized that was too much. probably not a good idea, so we took it out of the course.”
i realize that people, even “leaders,” don’t actually know what they’re doing. they are unintentionally irresponsible. they may help open portals, but have no idea what consequences will result.
that’s what i thought the dream meant.
but the dark figure was so compelling… i wanted to understand more. i decided to interpret it using what (the real) carolyn elliott calls “alien dream interpretation,” where you replace all the nouns of your dream with descriptions, as if you’re describing it to an alien from another planet.
magic spell: intentionally changing something
carolyn elliott: woman i admire, but don’t totally trust
course: teaching
shadow figure: scary, unnatural dark creation
living room: place where family gathers
then you replace the nouns in your dream with the descriptions, and see if you notice any mirroring in your waking life.
— —
i wondered who carolyn “the woman i admire, but don’t totally trust” might represent in reality… perhaps, myself?
then the dream story becomes:
“i intentionally changed something, as part of my teaching, and a large, unnatural dark creation forms in the place where the family gathers…”
and suddenly i remembered i’d recently had the fear that my deepening work with my ancestors might invite in lower, unwanted energies.
i began connecting with my ancestors consciously over a decade ago, and recently i’ve been more consistent with my offerings and communication with them.
our dining room has become a living ancestral altar- with place settings for my maternal and paternal grandparents, my not-fully-incarnated twin and my aborted brother.
big changes have been happening since i’ve started to honor them in this way and restore the family constellation.
i’m afraid of creating something dark that i cannot control- or ‘be responsible’ for later- as i continue to connect with my family, seen and unseen, transform the energy of the home, and experience the magic that follows from their guidance.
i continued with the dream interpretation:
“it’s impressive and amazing. how tangible the magic is.
but also scary.
i call myself, tell her what happened as we’re receiving nourishment.
she says, ‘i realized it was too much, so i took it out of the teaching.’”
our ability to create our own experiences is impressive, and owning that level of freedom and power can be scary.
especially if i carry the fear that it is not safe or responsible to make a mark in this world, because i can never know what unintended consequences may arise from my actions…
and i suddenly saw that the response “i just took it out of the teaching,” was not irresponsible and flippant, but a reminder of how to live my life.
i can just change my story (teaching), once i realize it’s “too much.”
it’s ok to create something,
and then to create again.
something different.
without judging the prior creation as bad or evil or a mistake.
i had thought that “carolyn” should have been “more responsible”- meaning more careful about what she was suggesting people do, that she should not make invitations if she could not guarantee the consequences.
but no…it’s more like the consequences don’t matter! because there’s nothing to ultimately fear. and we can re-create the rules of the game at any time.
*you can find more about carolyn elliott here and i (well, the conscious i) recommend her book, “existential kink” to shift the way you experience life.
