True Positivity Requires Embracing the Negative
True positivity gives you strength in difficult times. False positivity makes you weak.
A good friend of mine lost her best friend recently. She didn’t die. She’s just no longer interested in being her friend.
Did they have a big fight? Snitched a secret when she was supposed to say silent? Borrowed a book and (gasp!) turned the corners down on the pages?
Nothing so understandable. Instead, the former friend (let’s call her Jane) chose to cut my friend out of her life. And it wasn’t because of something my friend did.
No. Jane couldn’t face her new husband’s negativity. He didn’t like her having friends other than the ones he approved of. And he didn’t approve of my friend. (No wonder — my friend didn’t think much of him, either.)
Jane considers herself a “positive person”. But what that means is that she only wants to be surrounded by rainbows and unicorns. Nothing unpleasant is allowed to enter her world.
Arguing with her husband would be unpleasant. Thus, she would rather lose her best friend, and not risk her husband’s displeasure. It keeps her in a positive space.
That’s not positivity. That’s delusional.
True positivity gives you strength
“A positive attitude gives you power over your circumstances instead of your circumstances having power over you.” — Joyce Meyer
Why is having a positive attitude considered a good thing? Because it gives you strength.
What happens if the only reason you’re positive is that nothing negative is in your life? How will you react when something negative eventually happens?
Because let’s face it. Something negative will happen. It’s just a matter of time.
Accidents happen. People get sick. Pets die.
It’s impossible to shield yourself from all negativity. No matter how privileged you are. It will happen.
And then you’ll be like the wife of one of the people I worked with. Their dog died, and she was unable to get out of bed for two weeks. When my coworker finally got her out of bed to see a therapist, she needed months of therapy.
It wasn’t about the dog. It was about the years of denial and repression.
Negative emotions are okay
“You don’t have to be positive all the time. It’s perfectly okay to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, scared, or anxious. Having feelings doesn’t make you a ‘negative person’. It makes you human.” — Lori Deschesne
In my book, ROAR: Overcome Obstacles in 3 Simple Steps, I point out the importance of acceptance. (That’s what the A stands for.) If you want to get over an obstacle, you have to accept the truth of the situation.
Acceptance also means admitting that you have feelings. You’re not a robot, programmed to remain cheerful and happy no matter what happens.
Negative emotions are not the same as negativity. Negativity is when you look on the dark side, have a pessimistic world view, and disparage any good news.
If you’re emotionally healthy, you feel the feelings, and let them go. Maybe you have a good cry, or scream and stamp your feet. You might even break out the emergency carton of Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer.
But you don’t cling to the emotion, wallowing in it. You also don’t deny the emotion, or repress it. (Waiting until you’re in a safe place to express your emotion is okay. As long as you don’t wait too long.)
Negative emotions are not the same as negativity. Negativity is when you look on the dark side, have a pessimistic world view, and disparage any good news.
All healthy people experience negative emotions. It’s a good thing. It means that you’re reaching for new experiences. You’re trying to do things outside your comfort zone. You have hopes and dreams for the future.
Sometimes those don’t work out. And that hurts. So we hurt.
The solution is not to wrap yourself in bubble wrap so that you can never be hurt again. The solution is to become so strong that you can bounce back from any hurt.
One of my favorite celebrities is the writer and car enthusiast Richard Hammond. In September of 2006, he famously crashed a jet car traveling at over 288 miles per hour. He had severe brain damage. Two months later, he drove again for the first time. A year later, he drove in a high-speed race again. And he is still, 15 years later, driving fast cars with gleeful enthusiasm.
That’s bouncing back. Do you honestly think he never felt anything negative about the crash? Or didn’t feel scared when he started driving again? But he has great positivity.
Embrace negativity to find the positive
“I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter.”– Walt Disney
So how do you develop positivity in the face of a negative situation? Look for the positive elements. To do that, you have to embrace the negativity.
You can’t hold it at arm’s length, or pretend you don’t see it. You have to really look at it. See what’s there. Not what you’re afraid is there. What’s truly there.
For example, my father was recently sent to see a thyroid specialist. There is a problem with his thyroid. After many tests, it appears that there is some sort of growth on the thyroid. It may be cancer, it may be a cyst, or it may be a solid nodule.
This would, by anyone’s definition, be considered a negative situation. But he started right away to find the positive. 95% of thyroid nodules are non-cancerous. Most can be treated non-surgically. Of those that need surgery, many can be done in such a way that they don’t leave a scar.
He didn’t stop there, though. He scheduled an appointment at the Mayo Clinic, in case he does need a procedure. If it comes to that, he’ll have the experts on thyroids working on him.
Scheduling the appointment will let him be more comfortable when he gets his results. If it requires a procedure, he goes to Mayo. If it doesn’t, he cancels the appointment. No question about what to do next.
My brother is accompanying him to his local doctor appointment. How wonderful that he has family living nearby to support him! If he needs to go to Mayo, I or my husband will fly out to be with him. How wonderful that we are able to work wherever there is an internet connection! And that we have both received our vaccines, so we can fly safely.
This is not false positivity, that puts on a “happy face” and denies the truth of negative situations. This is true positivity, that sees the blessings and benefits in anything, no matter how dark.
After all, Viktor Frankl found the positive in being a prisoner of a WWII concentration camp. What are we ever likely to experience in our lives that holds a candle to that?
Conclusion
False positivity demands that you have no negativity in your life. To make that happen, you deny yourself any experience that might be negative. It makes you weak, and unable to handle the eventual negative situations in your life.
To deal with negative situations, you must first accept them and see them as they are. Allow yourself to feel any negative reactions. And then move on, to discover the positive.
True positivity sees the blessings and benefits in anything, no matter how dark. And it makes you strong enough to bounce back from anything.
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